Happy Thanksgiving

Eighteen years ago I gave my daughter up for adoption.  At the time I was eighteen.  About six years ago, while here in prison, her mother contacted me.  She reached out and asked if I would come back into my daughter's life.  But, she under one circumstance.....if I stepped back into my little girls life, I had to never leave her again.  She said if I could come back and stay in her life, then I had her blessing. I don't know about other adoptions, but to me this was the gift of my life.  A second chance to be in my child's life.

I can't tell you how many times I look back over my life and see such a waste.  That is until I got my daughter back.  She is the best think I have every accomplished in 37 years of life.  Thank you Tami.

From this prison I have watched my sisters become mothers and my brothers become fathers.  They place pictures of me around their homes and point out to their kids who Uncle Mike (me) is.  They keep me alive because of their love for me. No matter my faults I am still big brother.  Thank you Abigail, Ester and Grace.

And my brothers, Aaron and Phillip, never forget what a privilege it is to be a dad.  I love you both.  And remember to appreciate and respect the woman who made your children with you.

To the woman who made me 37 years ago...I thank you for overlooking my faults and loving me unconditionally.  You have seen me become a moan.  You have watched me become a father to my daughter.  You are about to see me be set free.  I love you mom.

Since coming to prison, my most frequent visitor is my dad.  Driving nearly six hours one way to see me, then driving back at the end of visitation.  He comes here and I spend all his money on junk food while we laugh and enjoy our time.  We came a long way since I was a kid.  Thank you dad for loving me.

Last, but not least, to my lady.  She helps me do my time, she works full-time and is a mom.  But she has to do it all alone.  She will argue and say that I am in her heart and closer to her than most relationships.  My lady has been with me for several years and my head has never hit her pillow.  When this is said and done we will have been together nearly eight years.  About that time many people are getting divorced.  I will be putting a ring on her finger.  Thank you for choosing me.  I will make sure you never regret what you have sacrificed to wait for my return.  I love you more.

Please take some time to look at your own life.  Find the things your thankful for.  Let the people in your life know how much they mean.  Then send them a nice text to let them know how you're feeling.  :)

Happy Thanksgiving.  Enjoy life, your children, your better half or maybe your lesser half.  Thank you for sharing a few minutes of your time with me and my thoughts.  May you and your family have a blessed holiday season.

Old School

There’s an old dude that sings a song about “keeping on rocking in the free world.” His name is Neil Young and he was some sort of a freedom-fighter in his day. I keep on tilling my own garden and blazing my own trail…… that doesn’t make a hero but rather, an individual. I prefer the term “independent”. 

While the other boys were playing football in the yard or piled on the couch with Nintendo, I enjoyed digging up bullets in the police shooting range. I rode my bicycle with a fishing pole strapped across my handle-bars. 

We were told to go outside and play and when it was dinner time Dad would step outside and whistle for us. He did that two fingers in the mouth “loud-whistle” that they use at concerts and when your favorite team scores a touchdown. When you heard Dad whistle, you knew it was time to get on home. I guess parents just text the kids now or send them a message on Facebook. Since the chances are their kids are somewhere in the house, holding some electronic device. 

Yard darts and pogo-sticks have been replaced by toys less likely to poke your eye out. 

I learned most of the stuff I know by watching my Dad or the neighbor man. Parents had to set some sort of example since their kids were watching them. Now their kids are too busy learning the rules from Google and YouTube. Times have changed since I was young. 

I hear about cars that will drive themselves and robots that will clean your home. It’s these kids who are google babies that love those ideas. More time for them to “surf the web” or whatever they do. No thanks! 

I want my own hand on the wheel, top-down, cruising the road with the radio on. Oh Yeah…I can plug up on Mp3 to the car and listen to my own playlist. No more commercials. OK, so technology does have some perks. 

It scares me to hand over more and more of my “hand on the wheel” for something else handling my business. I’m just not a fan of that. 

My lady tells me the other day she walked 7 miles before noon. I asked her how she knew? She replied that her IPhone tracks her movement and lets her know how far she’s traveled. If your phone tracks you, then so can anyone else who can get into your phone’s data….You can call ME on my old school Nokia. 

Don’t track me nowhere with a GPS. You can find me at the end of a dirt road. Track me to the lake…sitting at the end of the dock with my baby watching a sunset. Follow my fishing line from the bobber to the boat….where I’ll be chilling. 

And when you text me -- expect a real live call back. If you don’t have time for me, then I won’t have time for you. 

Three years and I’ll be home Momma. Keep the light on. 

This Little Light of Mine

I carry a belief that there is a God.  I also believe that when I live according to a certain standard he will walk with me.  Before I chase you off, just chill....

There's on small problem and it's that I fly much faster than my guardian angel most days and I manage to lost that freedom.  The reality of life behind bars is the life here is savage.  I'm calling home and telling my lady we're on lock down because some dude had half his face cut off.  That's my reality.  Another part of that reality is there is no feeling other than...."better him than me."

This is where I struggle to walk that fine line of good and evil and heaven and hell.  My daily prayer consists of "Dear God, continue to bring your peace to my life."  And he does.  And I don't attend a Sunday service and tithe 10% or any of that.  God meets me much more than half way.  There was a time I really thought I was a badass.  I didn't have a clue.  I'll do my entire 30's in here.  Many of my friends have much longer sentences than I and I feel bad even mentioning that I am three and a half years to freedom.  However, in my last nearly seven years incarcerated I have experienced situations that have molded the man I am today.  Prison didn't rehabilitate me as much as I did myself.

In the same way, my attitude is "better him than me".  That completely changes when it comes to my family.  I know my lady, my sisters and my mom can hear a no bullshit (and at sometimes very harsh edge) to me that may seem scary, but they also see my heart.

I once tattooed a phrase on a man that stated, "If I know you, I fuck with you.  If I don't know you, then fuck ya!"  This was put on a nearly 300 pound black man.  That's just how he felt about shit.

Funny though....this life will give you that attitude. I don't necessarily feel like if I don't "know you"  than fuck you.  I feel more like you stay in your yard and I'll stay in mine.  We say back here to "stay in your own lane".  I like that.  Perhaps that's more my motto.

But then I think about my 17 year old daughter deciding she wants to come visit me here.  It's merely a dream that I play over and over and over again....  I make it through the door and into the visiting area.  She stands.  I see her.  That little girl all grown up.  She looks a little like me.  A lot like her momma.  I find that my breath is gone.  I exhale.  Standing before me is the best thing I've ever done with my life.

This will happen.  I've dreamed it over and over and I cry each time.  Was I saying I've become a badass?  What I became is a dad.  Only three and a half left huh?.....BRING IT!!  I can do this thing.