I carry a belief that there is a God. I also believe that when I live according to a certain standard he will walk with me. Before I chase you off, just chill....
There's on small problem and it's that I fly much faster than my guardian angel most days and I manage to lost that freedom. The reality of life behind bars is the life here is savage. I'm calling home and telling my lady we're on lock down because some dude had half his face cut off. That's my reality. Another part of that reality is there is no feeling other than...."better him than me."
This is where I struggle to walk that fine line of good and evil and heaven and hell. My daily prayer consists of "Dear God, continue to bring your peace to my life." And he does. And I don't attend a Sunday service and tithe 10% or any of that. God meets me much more than half way. There was a time I really thought I was a badass. I didn't have a clue. I'll do my entire 30's in here. Many of my friends have much longer sentences than I and I feel bad even mentioning that I am three and a half years to freedom. However, in my last nearly seven years incarcerated I have experienced situations that have molded the man I am today. Prison didn't rehabilitate me as much as I did myself.
In the same way, my attitude is "better him than me". That completely changes when it comes to my family. I know my lady, my sisters and my mom can hear a no bullshit (and at sometimes very harsh edge) to me that may seem scary, but they also see my heart.
I once tattooed a phrase on a man that stated, "If I know you, I fuck with you. If I don't know you, then fuck ya!" This was put on a nearly 300 pound black man. That's just how he felt about shit.
Funny though....this life will give you that attitude. I don't necessarily feel like if I don't "know you" than fuck you. I feel more like you stay in your yard and I'll stay in mine. We say back here to "stay in your own lane". I like that. Perhaps that's more my motto.
But then I think about my 17 year old daughter deciding she wants to come visit me here. It's merely a dream that I play over and over and over again.... I make it through the door and into the visiting area. She stands. I see her. That little girl all grown up. She looks a little like me. A lot like her momma. I find that my breath is gone. I exhale. Standing before me is the best thing I've ever done with my life.
This will happen. I've dreamed it over and over and I cry each time. Was I saying I've become a badass? What I became is a dad. Only three and a half left huh?.....BRING IT!! I can do this thing.
