The rotation of earth with the moon creates the tides. The tides change as water rushes out to sea. There, the process is reversed and you experience the high-tide as once again the water rushes back in. Thus creating the circle of life.
The laws I've broken over a decade ago set things into motion that would change the man I am today. If time indeed heals the broken heart, I pray it can bring peace to the people I have hurt in my life.
They sentence people to prison in an attempt to remove them from society and punish them. Hoping that in the end if the punishment fits the crime, the offense will not be repeated. There are other things that consequently can happen to that person as well. Things that make silly boys into hard men.
If you ask a prisoner what their biggest dream is, nine times out of ten, they will tell you freedom. Freedom for me is: sitting with my family together at a Thanksgiving meal, taking my daughter to a concert, watching my nieces and nephews play in the yard while the adults grill out, or blasting down the road on my Harley.
Being free once again consumes me. I feel like the benched player that raises his hand to the coach, begging to be put in the game.
I have trained my mind that I am no longer an addict. I have worked out five days a week for nearly a decade to stay in shape.
Some people think 40 is cresting some hill as though your life has neared the end, For me, "40" is my starting line.
I don't want to have my car drive itself, I want control of the wheel. I want to take back the wheel of my life as well. I want the opportunity to wake up and choose what I want to eat for breakfast.
Prison has caused me to learn to cut the strings. I don't live by my heart, I live by my gut and cat senses. I have to remind myself to show heart to people because prison has made me a cold man in many cases. That's the side effect of living in a very cold world for 10 years.
I thought I could completely beat this place. Unfortunately while doing this amount of time, it's now inside me. I remind myself that if time can heal a broken heart, then time may also reverse the effects of this place on me.
Prison knows heartbreak. It doesn't know emotion. It will chew you up and spit you out over and over. In prison you live by a code. Respect! You prove your respect and loyalty to the men here. When your friend gets his shit stolen and his ass kicked, will you stand in the paint beside him? If you do, then he owes you the same. Thus a bond is created.
I have family back here that isn't my blood, and I have blood out there that isn't my family.
I call home every week to ask my mom to tell me the newest news on each of my brothers and sisters because I care. I live a life where I'm out of sight, and out of mind. Nobody owes me anything, but I've been watching.......
Those people who have stayed at arms length from me while I was gone can expect the same, once I'm released. "You" didn't stand in the paint beside me. When my life was taken and I was left standing beside a cold concrete wall on the wrong side of the fence, I felt alone.
If your just reading these words, you have somehow cared more than most and I feel you standing beside me.
Thank you,
3 comments:
Time does not reverse, or erase. With time we learn, it diminishes the gravity of feelings to make room for new ones. With time we gain, more family, more bonds. These relationships grow stronger as time moves on, the bonds that break...will again diminish with time.
We feel alone, but we aren't as we are loved, always. Because of that love we can withstand the test of that damn time.
You are loved and respected by many that matter. And that is something time will not take away,
Out of sight, yes. You're never out of mind though Michael, not mine.
Denise Lund says: I cannot wait to see you. I have been standing in the paint with you. And I have been playing in the paint with the rest of your family too. Be well.
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