THE DEMONS THAT LURK IN THE NIGHT

Perhaps you've seen the TV  drama Orange is the New Black?  Some of my family watch it to get a better idea of what my world is like on this side of the fence.  In your world you punch a guy over an argument and chances are it was captured on someone's cell phone camera.  The police are called and you likely catch an assault charge.

Where I live, someone turns a straightened piece of fence into an ice-poker.   They sharpen the end on a piece of concrete until it's a fine point.  Then they wait until you're asleep, sit on you chest and drive that metal over and over into your gut until they are pulled off you by either the police or another inmate.  They are then cuffed and taken to confinement.  Chances are they will get 30 days in the box. Usually they transfer one of the dudes out.  Other times they don't care and release both back to the compound.

My first prison was called Gulf CI.  It has a reputation just as bad as Florida State Penitentiary.  The day my bus arrived at the Gulf the guard informed us that when we stepped off there would be two lines.  One line would take you back to the compound.  The other would be for check-ins.  "Check-ins" are inmates who are in fear for their life and are scared to be in general population.  Both lines began to fill.  I chose the compound.

Prison is full of these choices every day.  You may be headed to chow and see three dudes creeping along the side of the line.  Each one has a hand inside his pant leg.  That concealed hand holds a lock in a sock, a razor melted into a toothbrush handle, or an icepick.  You learn to watch the road in here.

Out there you wait for the light to turn green, check the intersection, then proceed.  In here, we look for the dudes going against the main flow.  It may be the man bent over tying his shoe.  He stopped so he can fall back  and let the man he's supposed to attack begin to pass him.  Then  he quickly stands up and jumps behind the man while slicing his throat.  You learn to watch for the thing that doesn't make sense.

We have a saying here..."like a cat".  Meaning to stay on point with cat like senses at all times.  When you see your buddy with his head down you reach out and smack him in the nuts.  The idea is to keep your friends on point so they don't get slit.

When your buddy runs to chow and leaves his radio on his bunk or his locker unlocked, you go take his radio and clean out his locker.  When he comes back you let him think all his shit was stolen. After he trips for a minute you give him his shit back.  Again...the idea is to condition him for the real thing.

You leave your car unlocked out there, or your home, chances are they'll be ok when you get back.  In here?  That's not the case.  Everyone in here is criminal minded.  They look for the angle.  Like a con-man.  They see targets.

You go to canteen and come back with a full bag.  Everyone sees that.  They now know your house is full of goodies.  So then they watch you.  It may take a couple days, but they wait for you to slip.

You grab your toilet paper and head to take a shit.  When you get back to your locker, it's been cleaned out.

You go take a shower.  Leave your radio on the bunk and in that 10 minutes you were gone, so is your radio.

Blessings don't wait around the corner for you in here.  An evil man does.  Waiting to harm you.

Welcome to my life!!!

I may have thought I was tough before prison...that notion makes me laugh now.

After 8 years in here these walls have changed me.  I see every angle.  Anything out of place could be a trap.  It fucks with my head.  This place has tried to take everything good away from me.

I get on the phone and put on another face for my family.  You don't want them to see this.

But, in the end, the house sometimes wins.  It causes me to be too hard to the people who love me.  I have to back pedal almost daily.

Sometimes my life here carries out to my people.  It's hard to live this life when you get your head out there on the free side of the fence.

Prison gets worse and worse.  Watch the news.  Where do you think all those bad people go?  They come here...to be my Bunkie.  They stand in the line beside me at chow.  They work out by me on the rec field.

Please stop to consider this if you have a loved one incarcerated.  This isn't a TV show.  Nobody walks off the set here at 5 PM.

We get to stay right here with all the demons that lurk in the night.

Happy Hollidays

 "I've fallen and I can't get up" is something I hope to never say.  I have established myself as a solid, upright business man even among a world of greedy bastards.  My entire time in prison I have made my way.  I learned how to tread lightly around both guards and inmates.  I have been solid in every arrangement and people understand they can rely on me.  I went from an all-out crack head to being that dude.  My word is golden...you can put it in the bank.  I can give you my word, dap your fist and you can walk away knowing it's as good as done.

Your word and what you do are all you have in prison.  Doing someone wrong in here could lead to you trying to digest two feet of iron through your stomach.

I find myself begging my daughter to please answer me when I call.  Please take and hang with me for 15 minutes.  Seriously, I literally beg her to chill with me.  So, I think somewhere along the line she thinks her daddy is some soft push-over.  My motto here is..."If I know you I fuck with you.  If I don't know you, then fuck you."  But my daughter doesn't see that.  She sees her dad bugging her for her time.  I probably annoy her more than anything.  This is funny.

I watch these gangsters in here.  I watch them beat people up.  Fight and all that other stuff.  But you better never talk about their Momma or their kids.  Even the nastiest dude still has a Mom and his little girl will bring out his soft side.

I'm getting ready to call it quits and go home.  This is nearly over for me.  And...I'm blessed my daughter sees none of this and I'm still a dork that bugs her.

My mom and sisters talk to me about their jobs, their men, and their a-hole boss.  I hear about their children, their bills and I'm just a big brother.  My mom simply sees her oldest son.  I call my daughter's mother and we laugh about the kids.  I hear about what's for dinner and sometimes, just sometimes, I forget that I am a convicted felon serving 12 years in prison.

Sometimes it slips my mind that I broke all the rules and at one time actually wanted to be the baddest kid on the block.  Today I probably am one of the biggest dogs on the street but that doesn't matter no more.  I'm just a dorky Dad and somebody's big brother.

Happy Holidays.  Don't give up on the people you love.   Time changes things.