Monday, October 23, 2017
GIVEN TO FLY
"I got two turn tables and a microphone"..a line made famous by music group Beck.
I have a bike in Mom's shed, one cool daughter who loves me and freedom just around the bend. Forget the partridge in a pear tree...I don't need one. I'm putting a tattoo machine in the saddle bags on my bike and beginning the "endless-summer-tour" once I'm free. Coming to a location near you. And yes, as much footage of all this as possible will be posted to Jailbird for everyone to see.
For many years the blog has been about my incarcerated life in print form. I'm excited to, after release, change that factor and bring more photos and video. Starting the day I'm released. I intend to bring as much of my story to you from out there as I have from in here.
A family member told my daughter to be careful. I may get back out there and forget about being her dad. She knew better and let them know her Dad has a plan. After it pissed me off for a second, it motivated me. Thank you. All the haters in the crowd. I get far more energy to perform from the haters than from the fans. A standing ovation makes you smile and reassures you that you just owned that. But it's the people who talk shit and voice their disapproval that cause you to put in late hours at the workshop. Even if what you're building is a bomb for the. HA! I kid...
The ride is nearly over for me. I did the time the judge gave me. I fixed as much as I could from here. I took advantage of the time. I'll come home and tattoo. Don't need to sell drugs anymore. I'm still batshit crazy but I'm sober. And I like it this way. It's a shoe that fits nicely.
Speaking of, I just bought my daughter her first pair of Harley boots. She told me she loves them. She hasn't been on the Harley yet, but that comes soon. That should give the family something to whine about.
Keep watching me though! The fun truly begins once I'm home. 10 years in a cage--this dude is ready to fly!
Thursday, October 12, 2017
FLASHBACKS
My parents bought me a guitar for my 16th birthday. It was really special. And I sold it for $75.00 a year later. And then about 5 years later I bought it back from the same guy. And pawned it a few months later to buy drugs.
My Grandpa bought us all a gun when we reached hunting age. A rite of passage. I misplaced that gun somewhere in my travels. Since Grandpa is dead now, I really wish I had that gun.
I teased a girl named Margarette when I was in elementary school. Glue on her chair, tacks on her chair and of course about her name. Margarette? For real?
I found out in high-school that she took her own life. Margarette was a foster child. Passed from house to house and somewhere in the mix of all that I was teasing her. I can't help but feel I contributed to her discomfort in life. That weighs heavily on my mind.
And then the way I did my daughter's mother. We were kids. Not quite 18 and about to have a baby. To this day I don't know why, but I cheated on her while she was pregnant with our baby. It makes me ashamed of myself on the highest level that I would do her like that.
And now I look at my daughter that is like some high bred version of the two of us and I see her mom at 18 again and it makes me see myself at 18 and sometimes I get lost. There was so much good in me at 18, yet how could I do something so stupid? And I pray no boy ever breaks my girl like I did so long ago.
As I lay in bed at night, as I have done for so many years, those are the things that reach me, those are the voices that speak to me. Margarette.
We've all made mistakes. Do we own them? I believe I am. And for this next year, (my last year) I will continue to soul-search. Prison took me out of life at 28. Everything hit pause.
But it didn't out there. And the fact is, I'll be a 40 year old man. That's going to be hard to pull off. You can ask my daughter, sometimes she's more mature than I am.
I don't tease anyone anymore. I won't cheat on a woman either. I keep things that people give me. I have all my letters and cards from over the years, and I keep my clothes on in public.
My epic fails have been my best lessons. It just hurts, you know.....
the falling down!
My Grandpa bought us all a gun when we reached hunting age. A rite of passage. I misplaced that gun somewhere in my travels. Since Grandpa is dead now, I really wish I had that gun.
I teased a girl named Margarette when I was in elementary school. Glue on her chair, tacks on her chair and of course about her name. Margarette? For real?
I found out in high-school that she took her own life. Margarette was a foster child. Passed from house to house and somewhere in the mix of all that I was teasing her. I can't help but feel I contributed to her discomfort in life. That weighs heavily on my mind.
And then the way I did my daughter's mother. We were kids. Not quite 18 and about to have a baby. To this day I don't know why, but I cheated on her while she was pregnant with our baby. It makes me ashamed of myself on the highest level that I would do her like that.
And now I look at my daughter that is like some high bred version of the two of us and I see her mom at 18 again and it makes me see myself at 18 and sometimes I get lost. There was so much good in me at 18, yet how could I do something so stupid? And I pray no boy ever breaks my girl like I did so long ago.
As I lay in bed at night, as I have done for so many years, those are the things that reach me, those are the voices that speak to me. Margarette.
We've all made mistakes. Do we own them? I believe I am. And for this next year, (my last year) I will continue to soul-search. Prison took me out of life at 28. Everything hit pause.
But it didn't out there. And the fact is, I'll be a 40 year old man. That's going to be hard to pull off. You can ask my daughter, sometimes she's more mature than I am.
I don't tease anyone anymore. I won't cheat on a woman either. I keep things that people give me. I have all my letters and cards from over the years, and I keep my clothes on in public.
My epic fails have been my best lessons. It just hurts, you know.....
the falling down!
Monday, October 2, 2017
FALLING DOWN
Today is Tuesday, sheet day. Everyone strips down their bunk and sends their bedding in to be washed. As they return from laundry I hear the hustlers speech begin..."I make beds for a soup. I'll fluff your mattress for a dollar!!"
I sit here and look around me, I feel myself disconnect from the world I have known for 9 years. The dinner meal is called and we make the walk to the chow hall. There is no chicken-on-the-bone anymore. Now there's chicken nuggets that are 90% breading.
As I wait in line to eat I watch 50 people cut the line and pass by me. It makes me angry. I look at the back of the mans head who just cut me in line. I think about whether a bat would connect better than a golf-club. Perhaps a 9 iron would drive the point home.
I recognize the rage. In my head I address it, then slowly walk it back from the edge. Once under control I slowly let out the breath I realize I was holding. I remind myself I'll go home soon. It's time to let it go. This life, it's rules, the anger, the disrespect.
I get inside and take my tray as it slid out the flap. Then I look at the next table to see who is sitting there. Is that the prick that just cut me off? Yeah, it is, and another dude who grinds me. So I walk by the water cooler to get my drink and fumble around just long enough for that 4-seated table to fill. Then I hustle up to catch the next table.
I keep my head down and eat with a purpose. The quicker I can exit the better. I'm already hot, sweaty and short fused. The air is thick and the officer is telling us to hurry, he needs spaces for more men to eat. I don't taste the food as I rush to eat. I don't need the officer coming over to yell at me, I'm already at the edge.
I finish my tray and enter another line to dump my tray and slide it into the dish window. As I exit the chow hall, I am greeted by a wall of officers. One points at me and tells me- "Against the wall!" I walk to the wall and put my hands against it. He kicks my legs apart and does a full body pat down-search. He's looking to see if I tried to snuggle the chicken nuggets back to sell in my dorm. As men do so they can get a dollar to buy them a cigarette to smoke. Once he's satisfied I don't have the nuggets he tells me to kick rocks.
I walk back toward my dorm. On that walk I pass the Lake this institution is named after. I see a ripple in the water and a turtle pokes his head up and looks at me. I'm envious of his protective shell. I watch him watching me for a minute. It's a simple thing but it brings my focus back. I'm full and the day is over. My bed is made and it has clean sheets. I have made my bed and I must lie in it.
I sit here and look around me, I feel myself disconnect from the world I have known for 9 years. The dinner meal is called and we make the walk to the chow hall. There is no chicken-on-the-bone anymore. Now there's chicken nuggets that are 90% breading.
As I wait in line to eat I watch 50 people cut the line and pass by me. It makes me angry. I look at the back of the mans head who just cut me in line. I think about whether a bat would connect better than a golf-club. Perhaps a 9 iron would drive the point home.
I recognize the rage. In my head I address it, then slowly walk it back from the edge. Once under control I slowly let out the breath I realize I was holding. I remind myself I'll go home soon. It's time to let it go. This life, it's rules, the anger, the disrespect.
I get inside and take my tray as it slid out the flap. Then I look at the next table to see who is sitting there. Is that the prick that just cut me off? Yeah, it is, and another dude who grinds me. So I walk by the water cooler to get my drink and fumble around just long enough for that 4-seated table to fill. Then I hustle up to catch the next table.
I keep my head down and eat with a purpose. The quicker I can exit the better. I'm already hot, sweaty and short fused. The air is thick and the officer is telling us to hurry, he needs spaces for more men to eat. I don't taste the food as I rush to eat. I don't need the officer coming over to yell at me, I'm already at the edge.
I finish my tray and enter another line to dump my tray and slide it into the dish window. As I exit the chow hall, I am greeted by a wall of officers. One points at me and tells me- "Against the wall!" I walk to the wall and put my hands against it. He kicks my legs apart and does a full body pat down-search. He's looking to see if I tried to snuggle the chicken nuggets back to sell in my dorm. As men do so they can get a dollar to buy them a cigarette to smoke. Once he's satisfied I don't have the nuggets he tells me to kick rocks.
I walk back toward my dorm. On that walk I pass the Lake this institution is named after. I see a ripple in the water and a turtle pokes his head up and looks at me. I'm envious of his protective shell. I watch him watching me for a minute. It's a simple thing but it brings my focus back. I'm full and the day is over. My bed is made and it has clean sheets. I have made my bed and I must lie in it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)