FALLING DOWN

Today is Tuesday, sheet day.  Everyone strips down their bunk and sends their bedding in to be washed.  As they return from laundry I hear the hustlers speech begin..."I make beds for a soup.  I'll fluff your mattress for a dollar!!"

I sit here and look around me, I feel myself disconnect from the world I have known for 9 years.  The dinner meal is called and we make the walk to the chow hall.  There is no chicken-on-the-bone anymore.  Now there's chicken nuggets that are 90% breading.

As I wait in line to eat I watch 50 people cut the line and pass by me.  It makes me angry.  I look at the back of the mans head who just cut me in line.  I think about whether a bat would connect better than a golf-club.  Perhaps a 9 iron would drive the point home.

I recognize the rage.  In my head I address it, then slowly walk it back from the edge.  Once under control I slowly let out the breath I realize I was holding.  I remind myself I'll go home soon.  It's time to let it go.  This life, it's rules, the anger, the disrespect.

I get inside and take my tray as it slid out the flap.  Then I look at the next table to see who is sitting there.  Is that the prick that just cut me off?  Yeah, it is, and another dude who grinds me.  So I walk by the water cooler to get my drink and fumble around just long enough for that 4-seated table to fill.  Then I hustle up to catch the next table.

I keep my head down and eat with a purpose.  The quicker I can exit the better.  I'm already hot, sweaty and short fused.  The air is thick and the officer is telling us to hurry, he needs spaces for more men to eat.  I don't taste the food as I rush to eat.  I don't need the officer coming over to yell at me, I'm already at the edge.

I finish my tray and enter another line to dump my tray and slide it into the dish window.  As I exit the chow hall, I am greeted by a wall of officers.  One points at me and tells me- "Against the wall!"  I walk to the wall and put my hands against it.  He kicks my legs apart and does a full body pat down-search.  He's looking to see if I tried to snuggle the chicken nuggets back to sell in my dorm.  As men do so they can get a dollar to buy them a cigarette to smoke.  Once he's satisfied I don't have the nuggets he tells me to kick rocks.

I walk back toward my dorm.  On that walk I pass the Lake this institution is named after.  I see a ripple in the water and a turtle pokes his head up and looks at me.  I'm envious of his protective shell.  I watch him watching me for a minute.  It's a simple thing but it brings my focus back.  I'm full and the day is over.  My bed is made and it has clean sheets.  I have made my bed and I must lie in it.