A Whale Of A Story

There’s a story that I have heard many time over the course of my life.  No, I’m not talking about Humpty Dumpty.  The story I refer to would be Jonah and a Whale.  Not  just any whale, but ‘the’ whale of all whales. 

The story says this dude got a message from God to go take care of some ‘holy’ business.  Jonah was to go witness in a town called Nineveh.  However, Jonah had other plans so he ducked out of town and caught a cruise ship headed the opposite direction. 

God was not pleased to look down and see Jonah on the deck of the ship, sipping a margarita.  So, God sent a whale to gather up Jonah.  The whale swallowed up Jonah and spit him up where God wanted him to be.

Someone will no doubt read this and laugh.  It’s a whale of a story indeed.  Thing is….there’s a moral to this story.  When a higher power requires your attention?  You best ‘pay’ attention.  I don’t care if you pray from a pew, pray with a cap on your head, or kneel on a towel facing east.  When your God tells you to move?  Just do it. 

There may never be a call on your life to head to Nineveh.  Instead, maybe your call is to be a cool parent to some kids...be the loudest one to cheer from the stands and make them feel extra special.  Maybe it’s a little lady you treat like a queen...never letting her lack for anything.  Or, perhaps you are that little lady….trying like hell to keep your man in line.  

The other day during my 15-minute collect phone call to my lady, she told me that she’s proud of me, which made my chest swell up and the grass look two shades greener.  I told her some days I feel like Jonah.  God’s plan for my life was to be a good man, love my family, and rock my lady’s world.  Then, I went and jumped on a cruise ship for a destination of my own.  God looked down at me and said “Hell No!”  I caught a ride in the belly a concrete whale, which is currently where I live.  I am in the belly of the whale. 

When I told my lady this, she said I should write about it.  There comes a point in a man’s life when you begin to listen to your lady.  So, here I am.  Writing about God, a whale, and a man named Jonah.  Perhaps today you find yourself in the belly of a whale.  Maybe there’s some things going on in your life that aren’t what you had planned.  Then again…you could still be on that cruise ship heading the wrong way.  There may still be time for you to change your direction. 

Some people speak in riddles.  God spoke in parables.  I’m not sure what I do.  My lady tells me I’m a bullshitter, yet she liked my Jonah story enough she asked me to tell you all.  So there you have it.  I heard a preacher once say….”You better turn, before you burn!” 

The last thing I plan to do is preach.  People fall asleep in church and try to leave before the offering plate is passed.  I used to be that guy.  Always trying to duck the collection plate and the alter call.  That was before the whale caught up to me. 

Now, this is turning into that whale of a story.  I better duck on out before the alter call comes.  You better take off before I take a collection.  See ya next time!

Fade to Black

A few months ago my friend and brother Scott went home.  He finished his sentence and returned to the free world.  I called him tonight.

Scott told me about freedom.  How good it feels to be free.  I smile.  My friend has a job, works hard, and loves this.  I hear pride in his voice when he tells me he had a long day and just got home.  We spent our phone call catching up.  Scott already know what we do here.  I want to know what he does out there.  On top of a good job, he is busy being a dad, and is now dating a cool chick.  After catching up, Scott took time to encourage me.  That's my dog.

He told me my time will come before I know it.  Before long, I will be a free man myself.  I'll be damned if he didn't put my head in the clouds.

These 15-minute calls fly, and very quickly our call was over.  After my call to Scott, I called my woman.  She was in the check-out lane at the grocery store.  She asked how my call to Scott went.  I was excited to fill her in.  I felt good.  I'm explaining our conversation, she's asking me a question,  there is background noise here and I'm struggling to block it out.  She's asking me a question and at the same time the automatic teller at the check-out lane begins to scan items.  I hear all of this.   And....my brain freezes.

I mean my train of thought drives out of the station and I'm left standing on the platform...alone.  I'm so lost I can't even explain how I'm feeling.  No words will come.  I can't remember what I was saying.  My girl is asking if I'm OK.  I'm everything but OK.

My world consists of two reck yards a day, and three meals a day.  I am given the next day's schedule each night at 9 p.m.  I have a job.  I clean showers.  My whole life is planned out for me.  My life is what we call the "pound".  The compound.  A five-acre field with fence surrounding it.  Whatever I need and have to deal with is in this fenced area.  This is my life.

Tonight my life went over the fence and behind a shopping cart.  I met an automatic teller and had a fucking melt down.  I felt helpless.  Like a deer caught in headlights.  I was lost.  I tried like hell to pull myself back, but my lady caught me.  Perhaps she heard the tear that slowly ran down my cheek and splashed on the floor.  I try so hard to be a rock.  Most days I am.  Today, I realized I handle this world back here, but faced with a daily task of your world...I fell apart.

My woman caught me.  She took my hand and held me.  How does she do that anyway?  Usually, I try to fix the world.  Make people around me happy.  But today, I feel like Humpty-Dumpty.  My lady talked me back and I am going to be fine.  We all are.

Even if my lady has to put post-it notes on my forehead, I'm gonna make it.  I came too far to ever turn around.  Perhaps my wife will need to pack me a lunch along with the kids.  I have a bright future to look forward to even it it's a homemade Hormel honey baked ham sandwich.   Can I just ride the bus to work too?

Tonight, while Scott was telling me something I heard his girlfriend scream from the passenger seat.  I ask Scott if everyone is OK.  He answers me that they are just fine...he just flew through a red light...no big deal.  We both laughed.  His girl did not.  Guess he's still getting used to life out there too.  That's comforting.  At least we both have good women to babysit us.  I'm better now.  Back to my stoopid self.  I'm out.  PEACE!