She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

Growing up and through my high-school years my grandfather played a huge role in my life.  We were very close.  It was hard for me to lose him while I was here in prison.  My grandfather always wore a fedora.  Like an old gangster.

When he passed away, I only asked for one thing.  His hat.  There's no way I could fill his shoes, but with my big head that hat should fit.  One day I will totally rock my grandfather's fedora.  A couple of years have passed since he died.  Last week, my aunt and uncle came to visit me.  First time in nearly seven years I have seen my uncle.  Nearly three and half since my aunt last visited.

During our conversation, they informed me that my grandpa left me his tractor.  Now, we're not talking a yard mower.  This isn't your lawn tractor you pull in the garage beside the car.  You build a garage for this tractor.  This is a man's tractor.

This is the tractor every man wishes he had, but doesn't.  One man is proud to say he has a corvette in the garage.  Another man is proud of his Ping golf clubs.  One dude loves his bass boat.  These are all nice.  Why don't you add a fluffy poodle to the mix?  Pussy.

My garage will have Harleys, a mud truck, my muscle car, and now a tractor.  You know those reflective diamond things they put on the back of farm machines?  I'm getting one of those.

The government says that I can't own guns any more.  That's fine.  You piss me off and a tractor is headed your way.  Right across your lawn and all your sprinkler heads.  My tractor came with a bush-hog and a plow.  You know what those are?  That's enough testosterone to make Jose Canseco giggle like a school girl.

Piss me off and I'll make a few passes across your yard with my plow.  If that isn't bad enough, how about a brush hog across the flower bed?  I may just put on my fedora and ride the tractor up to the country club.  When I learned about my good fortune, I couldn't wait to get back and tell my lady about my tractor.

She answered the phone and I began to sing the country song "She thinks my tractors seeexxxxyyy."  She laughed and said, "Oh, Michael, is that what your calling your 'thingy' today?"  I replied that no, in fact I really own a tractor.  Bless her heart.  I have the baddest chick in the world.  I mean....what would you say if your man came home covered in tattoos, wearing a fedora and driving a tractor?  Talk about spicing things up a bit!  All these dudes taking Viagra because they can't rise to the occasion.  I say, "put some horsepower between your legs."  Then again....not every man can own a fine piece of farm machinery.

J.J. and Grandpa on the tractor that now belongs to J.J.