Happy Holidays

"The Holidays are here.

Isn't this the time of year you look back and reflect?  ...Make your silly little resolutions that sound nice, make us feel better, then we never do them and leave ourselves feeling like failures.  Like the gym membership that will be used once or twice.  A vow to quit smoking that lasts only until your in-laws show up to have dinner.  Then you're on the back porch, sucking down a Camel.

(Yeah -- this kind, you sick-o!)

Or how about drinking less?  Isn't that what the holidays are for?  If you're a kid, you think presents.  If you're an adult...you think booze and food.  I like to booze while I hang the lights.

So I'm looking back.  ...All those nice memories.  Like the time I crafted the perfect ice ball, then hid in the bushes to catch my big brother when he stepped outside...only to have him duck and my ice ball smashed into his six-year-old daughter's face.  I am instantly the worst uncle in the world.  "Sorry Sheila!"

Then the time I demonstrated my immense skill to pedal a BMX bike to record speeds.  While passing our campsite, my little brother Phillip steps into the road and I hit him dead center.  He goes flying, blood is everywhere, and once again....all fingers are on me."

(*Note from Ester: Drugs did something bad to Mike's memory, because that was on Spring Break one year, and all fingers were pointed at Ester because I hit him... riding Mike's bike, which, unbeknownst to me, had NO brakes.  Phil has a black eye and a concussion and my mom couldn't look at me for a couple hours, so my brother and Dad took me to see the movie Sgt. Bilko.  We were camping in Biloxi, Mississippi, and Mike's stinker ass was sneaking into an Aaron Tippin concert, which I didn't know 'til I typed up this post for him.  Just to clear all that up - We all would have corrected him if he had tried to make this claim around the holiday dinner table too, so... anyway.  Sorry for that detour.  On with the show:*)

"Of course, there are all the hunting and fishing memories.  My dad put me in the front of his canoe one year.  Big mistake.  Ten year old boys love big splashes.  So it didn't matter if we were fishing sunfish, I was using a deep-sea lure with half the hooks in my tackle box.  I guess I wound up to cast that sucker all the way across Houghton Lake.  And...my lure must have resembled a bug.  For that quick second it dangled in dad's face, he felt the need to swat it out of his way.  At that very second I hooked my dad and made a memory that we will both never forget.

That's really my life in a nutshell.  The picture perfect days, well...they are really only remembered for a short time.  It's those major mishaps that last a lifetime.

Giving tattoos in prison is frowned on.  So, it's an undercover operation.  You need a look out, and a hidden corner.  We have both.  Personally, I sew a hidden pocket on the inside crotch area of my pants.  For special occasions.  Like when the cops come in and you're in the middle of a tattoo.  Very quickly, I cram the tattoo machine and battery pack into this hidden pocket that hangs between my legs.  The idea is if they search me, hopefully they won't go high enough into my crotch to feel my nuts, or my stash spot.

So, the machine is stashed.  The cops walk past.  ...Doesn't get five feet away from me and the power wire reconnects to the machine and the needle is now piercing my ball sack.  Intense pain follows.  Just as the officer turns to look, I smack the machine to disconnect the power wire.  Thing is, the officer and all the guys just see me smack myself in the nut sack.  Bottom line, I got away that day.  That's good.  However, I tattooed, then smacked, the family jewels.  I have been called a freak, but even that was a little far for me.

These memories, at the time, make you feel two inches tall - make you wish you could just disappear - yet later down the road they make you laugh.  Those are the memories you will never forget.  They're the memories that become the very staples of our lives.

What are you grateful for?  Ask yourself that.  I'm thankful for my peeps.  My family.  My woman.  I would like to tell you Happy Holidays.  Thank you all for being a part of my life.

May the Detroit Lions rule the field Thanksgiving Day.  And don't get tangled in the lights and fall off the roof.

On a sidenote, J.J. is thankful to Sevendust, as it took 1st place for the most used keyword, bringing in a ton of traffic to the blog. At number two: "Porn for Women."  ...This touched me somewhere deep inside.  God bless you.  I take the first place award previously given to Sevendust, and bestow it on you.  May God also bless whoever linked that as a keyword.  Fuckin' genius!  And...if J.J. is bringing in MEN searching for "porn for women," then shame on whoever used that as a keyword. 

ESTER!!  Are you playing jokes on me again?  I told you I don't need anymore pen pals.  Silly wabbit!  This dick is for my chick.

Ok, before I am completely sidetracked.....hug your family, call your momma, kiss your wife.

Happy Holidays from the King Hooligan!"


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Men Vs. Women (NSFW)

Not long ago, I wrote about some books I was reading, like the Twilight series.  Did you think that was a little gay?  Well, screw you!

I guess there are four books in the series.  The first one, Twilight, I read and liked.  Next one was New Moon, and I flew through that as well.  Then I started the third.

My god, lady!  Around and around about some damn vampires!  The first one inspired me to write “Matters of the Heart.”  …But by the third one, I’m thinking, ‘Will you get to the point already?’  After about 100 pages on book three, I put it down and picked up a real book: American Gods by Neil Gaiman.  Now, this book has promise.

(To purchase, see Amazon.com)

My aunt sends me Men’s Health, so each month I learn new work-outs, see food I can’t eat, and learn sex tips I can’t use.  Still, I love that magazine.  Where else can you learn the best new work-out of the month as well as sex tips to drive your woman wild?  …Anything to sell a magazine.

Men’s Health tells you one way, then you read a magazine like Redbook and it totally contradicts the other.

So I start to look into this.  Well, looks like Men’s Health is a man’s view on what you women want, where Redbook is a woman’s point of view.  Here I sit, ladies, wanting to know the truth!  Let’s get to the bottom of this!  Men’s Health says 60% of women love to give oral sex and get gratification from it.  Redbook says 60% don’t like it, and 40% do.  However, that 40% only like it because they think their man does (which, by the way, YES, we do!!)  …So it’s clear one of these views is wrong.

Since I seek the truth, I’m taking my tips from Redbook.  During my research, I have found one thing both men and women like.  They say the way to a man’s heart is with high heels and fish-nets.  Oh, wait!  …Wrong study.  Food!  Yeah, it was food.  The study said that you women like a man who can cook as well.

This photo is an excerpt from Porn For Women 

Men’s Health says you should learn to cook at least one meal to “woo” a woman with.  I still think this is false advertisement.  Then again, false advertisement is yet another thing men and women have in common.  Aww – come on – we both do it!  That’s why men still think 60% of you like to give head.  You’re lying to us!  (Note from Ester: Maybe they’re interviewing porn stars, who are faking it like, 99.9% of the time…).  …Then you marry us and we find out the truth: 40%... and only because you think we like it – which we do!!

I dug deeper and learned even more.  This shit is weird.  Check it out….  Men wake up with a boner and want to ‘get to it.’  Women are more like a diesel truck in the winter.  You need to start them up, let them idle and warm up some first.  That’s basically what Men’s Health says.  Of course, I made up the truck part.  Women aren’t trucks.

Redbook paints a clear picture.  It says to do the dishes.  Yeah… really!  A woman’s sex drive runs off emotion, not Viagra.  So they say, after dinner, help your lady do the dishes and clean up the place.  This must come after all the false advertisement and marriage.  I used to just take them to the bar, feed them drinks, and… well, you get the point.

But dishes?

(According to this study, men become more aggressive when asked to do work 

traditionally associated with women.  Want to get laid?  Wash your own damn dishes!)

So does this really work?

Men’s Health says to build larger biceps and work on the V-shaped upper body.  Another one I found that works… keep a lot of cash in your pocket.  Is that why strippers always followed me around?  Maybe I should do more dishes….

There is one thing I have: Humor.  That’s the one thing both Men’s Health and Redbook agreed on.  Women love a man who can be funny (Ester's note: women also love women who are funny - go figure!).  Woo hoo!  …Or do I just piss you off?  Guess not – you’re still reading.  …Uh, hello?  Anybody there? (Is this thing on?)

I told my girl that the other day – Me being here lets her get to know me.  Sucks because I can’t pull off the whole false advertisement thing.  My life is all right here for the world to see.

…Her comment to me?  “At least I know where you are every night!”

Thank you, dear….

So are you the 60% or the 40%?  No, no! Don’t answer!  See, that’s the problem with many men.  They don’t take the time to ask.  That’s probably women’s biggest problem with men….  We can’t stop and ask for directions.

But I don’t want to be that guy.  I’m spending my time getting to the bottom of the issues that matter.  Sex!  Duh!

I’ll continue my research.  Can I ask one question? Spit or swallow?