Men Vs. Women (NSFW)

Not long ago, I wrote about some books I was reading, like the Twilight series.  Did you think that was a little gay?  Well, screw you!

I guess there are four books in the series.  The first one, Twilight, I read and liked.  Next one was New Moon, and I flew through that as well.  Then I started the third.

My god, lady!  Around and around about some damn vampires!  The first one inspired me to write “Matters of the Heart.”  …But by the third one, I’m thinking, ‘Will you get to the point already?’  After about 100 pages on book three, I put it down and picked up a real book: American Gods by Neil Gaiman.  Now, this book has promise.

(To purchase, see Amazon.com)

My aunt sends me Men’s Health, so each month I learn new work-outs, see food I can’t eat, and learn sex tips I can’t use.  Still, I love that magazine.  Where else can you learn the best new work-out of the month as well as sex tips to drive your woman wild?  …Anything to sell a magazine.

Men’s Health tells you one way, then you read a magazine like Redbook and it totally contradicts the other.

So I start to look into this.  Well, looks like Men’s Health is a man’s view on what you women want, where Redbook is a woman’s point of view.  Here I sit, ladies, wanting to know the truth!  Let’s get to the bottom of this!  Men’s Health says 60% of women love to give oral sex and get gratification from it.  Redbook says 60% don’t like it, and 40% do.  However, that 40% only like it because they think their man does (which, by the way, YES, we do!!)  …So it’s clear one of these views is wrong.

Since I seek the truth, I’m taking my tips from Redbook.  During my research, I have found one thing both men and women like.  They say the way to a man’s heart is with high heels and fish-nets.  Oh, wait!  …Wrong study.  Food!  Yeah, it was food.  The study said that you women like a man who can cook as well.

This photo is an excerpt from Porn For Women 

Men’s Health says you should learn to cook at least one meal to “woo” a woman with.  I still think this is false advertisement.  Then again, false advertisement is yet another thing men and women have in common.  Aww – come on – we both do it!  That’s why men still think 60% of you like to give head.  You’re lying to us!  (Note from Ester: Maybe they’re interviewing porn stars, who are faking it like, 99.9% of the time…).  …Then you marry us and we find out the truth: 40%... and only because you think we like it – which we do!!

I dug deeper and learned even more.  This shit is weird.  Check it out….  Men wake up with a boner and want to ‘get to it.’  Women are more like a diesel truck in the winter.  You need to start them up, let them idle and warm up some first.  That’s basically what Men’s Health says.  Of course, I made up the truck part.  Women aren’t trucks.

Redbook paints a clear picture.  It says to do the dishes.  Yeah… really!  A woman’s sex drive runs off emotion, not Viagra.  So they say, after dinner, help your lady do the dishes and clean up the place.  This must come after all the false advertisement and marriage.  I used to just take them to the bar, feed them drinks, and… well, you get the point.

But dishes?

(According to this study, men become more aggressive when asked to do work 

traditionally associated with women.  Want to get laid?  Wash your own damn dishes!)

So does this really work?

Men’s Health says to build larger biceps and work on the V-shaped upper body.  Another one I found that works… keep a lot of cash in your pocket.  Is that why strippers always followed me around?  Maybe I should do more dishes….

There is one thing I have: Humor.  That’s the one thing both Men’s Health and Redbook agreed on.  Women love a man who can be funny (Ester's note: women also love women who are funny - go figure!).  Woo hoo!  …Or do I just piss you off?  Guess not – you’re still reading.  …Uh, hello?  Anybody there? (Is this thing on?)

I told my girl that the other day – Me being here lets her get to know me.  Sucks because I can’t pull off the whole false advertisement thing.  My life is all right here for the world to see.

…Her comment to me?  “At least I know where you are every night!”

Thank you, dear….

So are you the 60% or the 40%?  No, no! Don’t answer!  See, that’s the problem with many men.  They don’t take the time to ask.  That’s probably women’s biggest problem with men….  We can’t stop and ask for directions.

But I don’t want to be that guy.  I’m spending my time getting to the bottom of the issues that matter.  Sex!  Duh!

I’ll continue my research.  Can I ask one question? Spit or swallow?