35

The other week I spent a three-day weekend visiting the woman who made me. 

J.J. and his momma!

 
Thirty-five years ago this month I was born in a small farm house in southern Indiana.  During my visit with mom she told me the story of the day I was born.

I was born a natural-birth at my parents home.  To this day, my mother remembers every detail and I have her tell me my story every year.  It's a tradition for us.

A lot of water has passed under the bridge in the past 35 years.  Many times I have nearly drowned.  Yet through it all my mother has loved me unconditionally.  I have nothing but respect and love for the woman who gave me life.

We talked about everything from motorcycles and tattoos to children and growing old.  I hate that my mother has to come to this place to see me, but I needed this place to become the man I am today.  Mom know this.  She finally (at my insistence) has quit trying to take the blame for my mistakes in life.  I don't see mistakes, but rather a journey that has shaped the man I am today.  There was a time in my life when I lived to be accepted by my friends.  I did what everyone was doing.  Today, I am firmly rooted and cannot be moved.  I walk my own path and march to my own drum.  Quite often what I find is others following my lead.  This is a blessing and a curse I think.....

Flattering to see some days and yet a constant reminder to watch each step I take.  Through the blog, I have put my life and my journey through prison out there where everyone can watch.  In some way it's become my accountability and my reason to walk the line.  Something we all need at times.

Along the way I see plenty of people who could use a little of this same medicine.  Here I am the prisoner, the convicted felon.  The one everyone want to watch.  Yet when I look at some of my own people, I wish they could find the same peace I have.

I encourage you to watch me.  Especially if you don't like me.  One day I'm going to change your mind about me.  Just remember that I see you too.  Life isn't a one-way street.  I'm still a son and a dad.  On top of that I'm a big brother.  If you're my family then I'm watching you too.....if you're married to my sister, I'm watching you extra close.

I'm not the only one who's accountable here folks.  :)  You are too!

A friend of mine has a tattoo that reads:  "If I know you, I fuck with you.  If I don't know you, then fuck you."

I'm not quite as harsh as my friend is.

Mom, thank you for loving me.  Only a couple more visits and I'll be home.  :)  Four more Thanksgivings and I'll be there with everyone to celebrate.   

From our side of the fence to yours.....

American Bad-Ass

Kid Rock's singing to me that "Only God Knows Why".  From my front row seat, knee deep in the a Florida prison, I declare that I agree.

I once was lost, but now I'm found.  Was blind, but now I see.  What I see is bunk beds stretched across an entire dorm full of sweaty prisoners.  Lost to the streets and lost t addiction, I found myself on the not-so free side of this fence. 

For five long years, I have laid my head on a  pillow hundreds of men have laid on before me.  Slept on a bunk that was one mans salvation and a thousand others nightmares.  Forget walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I pitched my tent and live in the bitch.

If drugs were my escape and way to bail on reality, prison was my reality check.  The battle grounds where I came to face my demons.  And I'm doing it sober.  When you spend your life running from that monster, prison puts you in a back alley with no escape, then puts all those skeletons right there with ya. 

Time to make like David and hit Goliath dead in the nuts with a small, smooth stone.  Or the forehead....whatever works.

Perhaps I don't always live right.  Seems somebody always has a finger pointed at me.  I swear too much, have too large of a voice and somewhere there's someone who wants me to take a seat.  Sorry, but that ain't happening. 

My momma's proud to call me her son.  She got to see me clean and free from drugs.  She knows freedom has nothing to do with fences and razor wire.  My freedom, and yours too for that matter, is found in your heart.  Freedom is a state of mind.

You have a world full of people that are prisoners in their own home.  Shackled to their job, the wrong partner, finances...others are enslaved to the bondage of religion.  They placed so many regulations on their life that they lost the very freedom they sought in the first place.

We do dumb shit, us people.  I broke the law, changed some peoples lives and consequently my life was also changed.  Changed for the better. 

If we learned to quit seeing roadblocks as dead ends, we all would brighten our tomorrows.  Not to mention the people you bless when they see you stand up and fight.  You become someones breath of fresh air.  Perhaps if people could lean to see past the tattoos and occasional cuss words, they would stumble upon the occasional nugget of inspiration. 

I don't know why you read this blog.  Chances are, I don't even know you.  We may never meet.  Still, I wrote this for you.  Even if you're not a fan of the way I live my life, I think that's cool.  I think it's cool you took the time to show love and hang on The Jailbird.  Yeah, even the haters just showed me love cause you just helped raise the stats one more.

And you know what?  I just raised a stat too.  One that suffers terribly every day.  Every day hundreds of people lose the war on drugs.  They lose their lives to addiction.  The beast.  Well, my mom won't lose her oldest son that way.  I too am a statistic.  One that boldly states change has come, change is here.  I face life head on and don't back down.  I fight for you what I believe in.

My family and the people who love me.  And I fight hardest for me.  I forgave myself for all my shortcomings.  The only question now is.....can you?