My Salvation

Life.  What a wild roller coaster ride.  Crazy.

One day we're up, the next down.  Over two year ago I filed a motion to try and change the original sentence of 12 years that judge gave me.  I've learned a lot in the time I've been in prison.  Seems there's life lessons every step of the way.  If nothing more than stand tall and breathe.  Breathe in and out.

Reflecting back over my life at times, I feel all I can accomplish from behind this fence has been done.  I have my sobriety, relationships with all my family and I've learned how special the love can be between the right man and woman.

I have a long term and short term business plan.  I know where I will go once I'm released.  I have learned to forgive myself and move forward with my life.  I have changed the people in my life.  Replacing the bad ones with people of moral.  Everyone else has been cut loose.  I feel good about that.

I find myself doing a lot of praying these days.  Funny my motion went to Orange County Courthouse.  Now that all this time has passed, the motion to rule was sent to the higher court.  The District Court of Appeals.  However, I take the whole thing in prayer to the highest of the high courts.

I don't always speak much on these topics.  Everyone has their own opinion.  I hate the term jailhouse religion.  Nor do I want anyone to add that to the way they describe my life.  Like I jumped on something to help save me.  I relay on myself more than anyone or anything else.  People let you down.  My life has proved that time and time again.

My daddy told me as a boy if you want it done right, do it yourself.  That's me as a man.

So, if you can imagine...trying to exercise faith in someone who hung on a cross for my sins, died, then ascended up into heaven to sit on his throne sometimes overwhelms me.  I not only met God halfway, I still try to get the whole way myself.  Just the way I am.

I don't need any crutch.  I get by on my own.  Nobody can say I came to prison and found some form of prison religion.  Instead, somewhere along the line I saw that living my life accountable to something would make me even better.  Instead of looking to God for what He can do for me, I decided to try and meet some standards. 

He set some standards called the 10 Commandments.  Most often referred to as the "thou shalt nots".  Again, I don't talk much about all this since I do it for me.  Most people would laugh anyway if they heard me say I live by some morals.  How can I possibly say that when I talk like I do about the things I do.....

Well, something I'm doing is right.  It's right for me and I'm happy.  I have peace.  Even here in prison, I'm wearing a smile.  Without laws there would be no order in the world. Without a set standard in my life, I tend to wander.  When I wander, I get into trouble.

Today I have purpose.  What I'm doing works for me.  Guess that's part of growing up.  Learning how to move through the world with grace.  Something we all could use more of.  Hope you find yours.

American Bad-Ass

Kid Rock's singing to me that "Only God Knows Why".  From my front row seat, knee deep in the a Florida prison, I declare that I agree.

I once was lost, but now I'm found.  Was blind, but now I see.  What I see is bunk beds stretched across an entire dorm full of sweaty prisoners.  Lost to the streets and lost t addiction, I found myself on the not-so free side of this fence. 

For five long years, I have laid my head on a  pillow hundreds of men have laid on before me.  Slept on a bunk that was one mans salvation and a thousand others nightmares.  Forget walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I pitched my tent and live in the bitch.

If drugs were my escape and way to bail on reality, prison was my reality check.  The battle grounds where I came to face my demons.  And I'm doing it sober.  When you spend your life running from that monster, prison puts you in a back alley with no escape, then puts all those skeletons right there with ya. 

Time to make like David and hit Goliath dead in the nuts with a small, smooth stone.  Or the forehead....whatever works.

Perhaps I don't always live right.  Seems somebody always has a finger pointed at me.  I swear too much, have too large of a voice and somewhere there's someone who wants me to take a seat.  Sorry, but that ain't happening. 

My momma's proud to call me her son.  She got to see me clean and free from drugs.  She knows freedom has nothing to do with fences and razor wire.  My freedom, and yours too for that matter, is found in your heart.  Freedom is a state of mind.

You have a world full of people that are prisoners in their own home.  Shackled to their job, the wrong partner, finances...others are enslaved to the bondage of religion.  They placed so many regulations on their life that they lost the very freedom they sought in the first place.

We do dumb shit, us people.  I broke the law, changed some peoples lives and consequently my life was also changed.  Changed for the better. 

If we learned to quit seeing roadblocks as dead ends, we all would brighten our tomorrows.  Not to mention the people you bless when they see you stand up and fight.  You become someones breath of fresh air.  Perhaps if people could lean to see past the tattoos and occasional cuss words, they would stumble upon the occasional nugget of inspiration. 

I don't know why you read this blog.  Chances are, I don't even know you.  We may never meet.  Still, I wrote this for you.  Even if you're not a fan of the way I live my life, I think that's cool.  I think it's cool you took the time to show love and hang on The Jailbird.  Yeah, even the haters just showed me love cause you just helped raise the stats one more.

And you know what?  I just raised a stat too.  One that suffers terribly every day.  Every day hundreds of people lose the war on drugs.  They lose their lives to addiction.  The beast.  Well, my mom won't lose her oldest son that way.  I too am a statistic.  One that boldly states change has come, change is here.  I face life head on and don't back down.  I fight for you what I believe in.

My family and the people who love me.  And I fight hardest for me.  I forgave myself for all my shortcomings.  The only question now is.....can you? 

A mix of oldies but goodies.....

Happy Father's Day

Second chances.  I wonder how many fathers wish at some point in life they could have one.  Happy Father's Day to the man who made my life possible.  The man who comes to this prison and stands in a line to visit his boy.  I can't begin to imagine how that feels, but I do know a little about second chances.

At the age of 19, I gave my little baby girl over through adoption to a family who I knew could provide her with the love and care she would need to become a great woman.  You see, event at 19 I wished that for my little girl.

I went on to live life for myself.  The more time that went by the more I have thought about the little girl I made.  Nearly four years ago I was given a second chance to once again become a part of this special little girls life.  There was a stipulation from her mother.  I would need to decide whether I would stay this time.  No more coming and going.  The decision to stay forever changed my life.

This August my little girl turns 16.  On that same day I also celebrated three years without a cigarette.  I made that choice for the both of us.  She helped me keep that decision.  She has saved my life in more ways than one.

I made a great little girl and I hope to one day become a great dad.  I love you little lady.

Happy Father's Day, Dad!  Happy Father's Day to all the men out there who never give up on their kid.  It must be hard to pull up to a prison to visit your boy.  God bless the children who never give up on their parents.  Who look past all their faults and shortcomings and love.  After all, its because of the kids that we have a Father's day.

To my dad, the music man!

Larry,

This Father's Day I want to wish you the very best and thank you for being more of a father than I could ask for.  Over the years, you've been my dad, best friend, mentor, provider and most of all....my father!  You've been there when I've needed you.  Stood by my side and gave me love even when at times I didn't deserve it.  I couldn't have made it without you and I appreciate all you've done not just for me, but for mom too!  I can't really express my gratitude enough, however, I can dedicate this day to the best father in the world....YOU!  Thank you for being my father.  I love you and miss you so much.  Happy Father's Day Larry!

With Love, Your Son, Ran

Keep on Truckin'!

  

This year, I would like to wish a few important people a happy father's day starting with my dad, Richard; my brother, Jerry and my two brother-in-laws, Eric Ledferd and Scott Mathews.  I hope all of you have a great Father's Day.  This will be my second father's day away from my daughter, Kelsey.  I have one more father's day to go.  I can't put in to words what it will mean to me to come home and try to make up for all the family times I have missed.  I know it won't be easy but with a little luck and God willing I will be home in 16 months.  Then I can start fresh and become  the dad I started out as.  Well, I'll see you all soon.  Thanks for every thing y'all do for me in here.  Love ya!  Ricky

A Jewish Dragon for my friend "The Rabbi"

2013 Copyright by Tattoo'd Hooligan

Nuggets

Looking out my windshield at the next exit sign.  In the rear-view, I just had a most wonderful visit with my friend and partner, Brooke.  During her visit she explained to me the zoo she encountered in order to get into the visiting area.  I replied..."welcome to my world."  The same swarm of line-jumpers that push and shove to be the first folks that she encountered are the parents and family members of the dudes I live with.  On the other hand, once inside the visiting park our visit was beautiful.

My time continues to literally fly by.  Another summer is here.  Since being released from confinement, I now reside in a new dormitory.  This has allowed me to meet another group of guys.  The jews.  That may sound funny.  As I wrote it just now it made me chuckle.  I have come to enjoy the company this new housing situation has brought me.  I marvel sometimes that I have met some stand up guys during my time if incarceration.  Guys I will no doubt remain in touch with after my release.

Looking back over my life, I was no type of friend before prison.  At least on no level close to where I am today.  I am a man of my word.  I can keep a commitment since drugs have no influence on my mind any longer.  Not only do I enjoy the friendships I have made here, but I enjoy knowing someone else can feel the same about me.  Prison is far from rehabilitating in itself, yet there is a group of men who have found inner strength to allow this experience to inspire change.

Change is good.  Men who change will not come back to this place.  Change and a will to be better is a common denominator whether you are a Baptist, Catholic, or a Jew.  Change knows no racial boundaries.

As I ride life's highway, I am ever changing.  The only reason you can't teach an old dog a new trick is because they are stuck in their ways.  For what its worth, that's also bullshit.  An old dog will learn a new trick.  More often its people who won't accept change.

Today I am a prisoner.  But all my tomorrows are an adventure.  I long for the day I am free.  No longer restrained by the perimeters D.O.C. sets in place.  Until then, I will keep my life open to change.  At the ripe old age of 34, I still love to learn a new trick.

Besides...what would you think if someone was trying to get you to sit, stay!!  Roll over and play dead.  That old dog still knows what your saying.  You just don't understand what he's saying to you.  He's saying...."Fuck you!!"

That old dog has learned the water is always cold in the toilet, the trash can is the land of milk and honey and it feels good to lick your asshole.

I'm not sure what I was trying to say here exactly.  You're probably wondering the same. 

Please allow me to take the time to personally thank you for being a part of my life.  Just as I meet good men here daily, you as the reader are also a part of my life.  I can't promise you nuggets of inspiration, as you may walk away confused and scratching your head.  Eh.....welcome to my life.  I still pinch myself some days to see if I'm really here in prison.  I find that in fact yes....yes I am indeed in prison.  But for the last ten minutes, I have been hanging out with you.  It's been fun.      

Defining Moments in a Man's Life

My latest issue of Men's Health had an article about the moments in a man's life that shape the man he becomes.  This is the very same magazine the D.O.C. literature review committee is now trying to reject each month.  One thing I can get here that inspires me and they want to take that away.  Yet they say they want to rehabilitate us.

Reading this article caused me to look over my life and remember the moments that caused growth toward manhood.  Well, the day a judge handed me a 12 year sentence in prison changed my life.  If you can, picture life like a buffet line.  There are all sots of dishes.  Some are appetizers.  Others are sweets.  You can try something a little out of your comfort zone.  One plate you may not care for, but another may make you nearly gag.

Are you looking over your life yet?  What's that moment for you?

Often times we forget.  As children our parents handle the big stuff.  If we have loving, caring parents the very description of their job is to keep your problems small.  Yet it seems those very problems become the very things that inspire growth in us.  I would guess most people's defining moments happen later on in life.  They become the transition from children to adult.

We have seen the pastor who preaches the importance of being faithful to your spouse from his pulpit, yet is knocking off the choir director on the side.  Or the very teacher at the AA meeting caught with a purse-full of prescription meds.  At times, people preach a sermon that sounds well researched.  Yet when their own life is faced with a hurdle, they take an "F" on performance.

I think the best advocate for breast cancer awareness is the lady who suffered the loss of a breast.   There's a real passion for what she does.  I would guess the day she was diagnosed with cancer was probably her defining moment.

At the time we are faced with this "thing", the last thing on our mind is seeing it as the very thing that will shape the person we are.  It's only after we emerge from the other side that we can see the change it inspired in our life.

Like the mother who lost her son to a drunk driver.  Then in court, she finds the love in her heart to forgive the guilty man.  Wow!!  What kind of love is that?  And what a blessing she not only brings to herself, but the lesson she teaches to the guilty party.

The day I was sentenced to 12 years in prison was a dumb-founded moment for me.  All these years later, I now see it differently.  When I thought about what the most impacting time of my life was, it was the day I was sentenced.  That is the very moment that defined the man I am today.

And I wonder....I wonder how many people will have their defining moments from my life.  And how long will it take you see that?
    

Cobra

J.J.'s first attempt at a snake.  (Quite good, I would like to add!!!)

Copyright 2013 by Tattoo'd Hooligan