From day one, the sole purpose of this project has been to inspire change. To challenge people to think bigger than their own problems. Sometimes when we see others who deal with problems far greater than our own, we are able to look back and change the mountain back to the mole hill it really is.
I'm a firm believer I can't help myself if I point fingers at others. That's why I write about myself. I don't talk down about being in prison. I have learned many lessons here. I don't talk bad about the people and staff in charge over me. No...I openly talk about me. My ups and downs and failures. And what I plan to do to change them. That's the Judicious Jailbird project in a nutshell.
The prison I am currently at openly claims to be faith and character based, claiming to help inmates to better their lives. In hopes they won't return to a life of crime once released. Here I am. Since coming to prison, my character has changed. I also have faith. Today I have faith in myself, and in God. Shame on me if I choose not to pass that freedom onto the next person in need. I feel that one day I will answer to God concerning what I did with the gifts He gave me. And so I write. I write about my life. In hopes it may reach out and touch you.
Christians of old were burned at the stake for what they believed in. The message they tried to pass to others. I have been blessed to be able to pass this message to you.
Judicious Jailbird is currently under review by the prison system. The biggest question here is will they say "no" to "no"....or will they see change?
Many times when a platform is created it's then used for selfish reasons. I hope that during this review eyes will be open to see the bigger message. A message of hope. Before prison I was a junkie. I had no idea I could draw. Before prison I never tried to inspire others. I chased drugs. They consumed my life. Today my art helps me do my time. Passing hours of this prison sentence. Not to mention keeping the BIC pen company in business since I use nearly six pens a week. Yes....you read that correctly.
I hope you enjoy what you see when you sit down to read the Judicious Jailbird. You will never see me bad talking those placed in authority over me. I don't like the canteen prices and my mattress is a bit too worn....HOWEVER! In the end these are the very things that remind me to never come back to this place.
Perhaps I can give you just enough of a glimpse into this life that you decide to never come here. That's the mission of the Judicious Jailbird. And this is J.J. signing off.
Showing posts with label junkie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label junkie. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Some Bad News. Some Good News. Some Bad-Ass News.
The bad news? The Judicious Jailbird is sadly in confinement. There is no information why (for those that may inquire).
The good news? Confinement provides air conditioning and J.J. has a break from his food service job....hosing down 1,200 - 1,500 trays with steaming hot water, during the steaming heat of summer during the not-so glorious hours of 2a to 11a.
The good news? Confinement provides air conditioning and J.J. has a break from his food service job....hosing down 1,200 - 1,500 trays with steaming hot water, during the steaming heat of summer during the not-so glorious hours of 2a to 11a.
The bad-ass news? J.J. is also known as the Tattoo'd Hooligan (this is his artist name). We invite you to like the Tattoo'd Hooligan on Facebook! There will be Tattoo'd Hooligan merchandise for sale at www.tattoodhooligan.com featuring his art one day. One day when the Tatoo'd Hooligan is a free man. Yep, some bad-ass news friends.
**Please remember that J.J. spends his time writing posts and drawing art in efforts to do his time in a productive way. J.J. is not able to benefit from these sales. BUT, it DOES bring him a ton of happiness to know that people enjoy his art. Additionally, it DOES bring him a ton of happiness to think that his art is all around.**
Monday, January 2, 2012
Methadone & Me
It's 5 a.m. I'm sitting in my truck looking out the window. There's a Doral 120 hanging out of my mouth. I'm sick. I didn't sleep last night. My body is covered with sweat. The smoke from my cigarette is rolling into my eyes and they burn. My nose is running. My boots are untied. One lace is shut in the door. I didn't have the energy to bend over and tie them. I take a final drag off the cig, then flick it out the window.
Cars begin to pull in around me. Before long a 'closed' sign is flipped to 'open'. I roll up my window with the last bit of energy I can muster. Then get out to take my place in line. I'm not sure if I even want to be here, but I need help. Looking at the others in line, I see me. A whole lot of fucked-up people. There is a mother pushing a stroller with her baby. A guy my age. An old man with a walker. People of all ages and races.
It is now 6 a.m. Once I am inside I am handed a questionaire. I sit down to fill it out.
How long have I been using? What is my drug of choice? How many milligrams do I use a day? Do I drink on top of the drug use?
I fill this out and turn it in at the desk. A nurse takes me to a room for a physical. She takes a urine sample and while it's being analized she goes over more questions.
On a low end I use 500 milligrams of oxycodone a day. But, I use up to 1,000 and even more. When I am out of prescription doses, I buy street heroin. Lately, I have been smoking crack as well. I also smoke the heroin.
Today, I am at a methadone clinic. I was told to come to the clinic in a state of withdrawal. I am. My urine shows I have all the drugs in my system I claimed to be using. The nurse then walks me to a small window and hands me a small cup. "Drink this," she directs. I have just been dosed with the drug methadone.
By the time I leave the clinic the shakes are gone. I don't feel sick an hour later. Only empty. I'm not 'high'. I'm not sick. I feel dull. Is this what 'normal' feels like? I don't know...I forgot.
My day continues...
Later in the afternoon a friend throws me some roxycodone. I chew them all at once, then take a blast of crack. Now I'm in a better state of mind. For the first time today, the beast is happy and allows me to smile. I light another Doral 120 and smoke it to the filter. Long, deep drags.
I continued through the next week like this. 'Dosing' at the clinic at 6 a.m. then using whatever is available as the day progresses. Methadone is designed with users like me in mind. Once it is in your system, it becomes an opiate blocker. After a week of morning doses of this drug, the street drugs no longer get me high. I am still a junkie and try. I would spend my money on crack, or a bag of heroin. I was using it with no effect. I can't get high. All I get is pissed.
This causes me to drink more. The alcohol still works...only after I have drank myself to black out. So that's what I do. People marvel at how much I can drink. I am a machine. Now I have yet another problem. I drink too much. I continue like this.
The clinic has upped my dosage. I hear methadone is just as addictive as opiates. Withdrawal from opiates is 3-5 days of hell on wheels. I've been there. Methadone is 30 days of hell. That's not cool. But, by daily dose of methadone is 12 bucks...my daily does of opiates runs in the hundreds. What should I do? A week later I quit the clinic and hit the opiates harder than ever.
Opiates and narcotics are the drugs that consumed me. I couldn't find the strength to get free. They are also the easiest for me to conceal while 'under the influence'. I told my woman this the other day...catch me sucking a Doral down to the filter? Give me a drug test. That's not a joke.
I always want to be better. For me and everyone who loves me. Basically, I've put myself on probation. I'm a fan of preventative maintenance and short leashes. Not many guys are...I know. I can't live like most guys. I need my woman in my shit. Not many dudes like that either. This dude loves it. What God, my momma and my boo can't handle? Ha! It isn't much.
Cars begin to pull in around me. Before long a 'closed' sign is flipped to 'open'. I roll up my window with the last bit of energy I can muster. Then get out to take my place in line. I'm not sure if I even want to be here, but I need help. Looking at the others in line, I see me. A whole lot of fucked-up people. There is a mother pushing a stroller with her baby. A guy my age. An old man with a walker. People of all ages and races.
It is now 6 a.m. Once I am inside I am handed a questionaire. I sit down to fill it out.
How long have I been using? What is my drug of choice? How many milligrams do I use a day? Do I drink on top of the drug use?
I fill this out and turn it in at the desk. A nurse takes me to a room for a physical. She takes a urine sample and while it's being analized she goes over more questions.
On a low end I use 500 milligrams of oxycodone a day. But, I use up to 1,000 and even more. When I am out of prescription doses, I buy street heroin. Lately, I have been smoking crack as well. I also smoke the heroin.
Today, I am at a methadone clinic. I was told to come to the clinic in a state of withdrawal. I am. My urine shows I have all the drugs in my system I claimed to be using. The nurse then walks me to a small window and hands me a small cup. "Drink this," she directs. I have just been dosed with the drug methadone.
By the time I leave the clinic the shakes are gone. I don't feel sick an hour later. Only empty. I'm not 'high'. I'm not sick. I feel dull. Is this what 'normal' feels like? I don't know...I forgot.
My day continues...
Later in the afternoon a friend throws me some roxycodone. I chew them all at once, then take a blast of crack. Now I'm in a better state of mind. For the first time today, the beast is happy and allows me to smile. I light another Doral 120 and smoke it to the filter. Long, deep drags.
I continued through the next week like this. 'Dosing' at the clinic at 6 a.m. then using whatever is available as the day progresses. Methadone is designed with users like me in mind. Once it is in your system, it becomes an opiate blocker. After a week of morning doses of this drug, the street drugs no longer get me high. I am still a junkie and try. I would spend my money on crack, or a bag of heroin. I was using it with no effect. I can't get high. All I get is pissed.
This causes me to drink more. The alcohol still works...only after I have drank myself to black out. So that's what I do. People marvel at how much I can drink. I am a machine. Now I have yet another problem. I drink too much. I continue like this.
The clinic has upped my dosage. I hear methadone is just as addictive as opiates. Withdrawal from opiates is 3-5 days of hell on wheels. I've been there. Methadone is 30 days of hell. That's not cool. But, by daily dose of methadone is 12 bucks...my daily does of opiates runs in the hundreds. What should I do? A week later I quit the clinic and hit the opiates harder than ever.
Opiates and narcotics are the drugs that consumed me. I couldn't find the strength to get free. They are also the easiest for me to conceal while 'under the influence'. I told my woman this the other day...catch me sucking a Doral down to the filter? Give me a drug test. That's not a joke.
I always want to be better. For me and everyone who loves me. Basically, I've put myself on probation. I'm a fan of preventative maintenance and short leashes. Not many guys are...I know. I can't live like most guys. I need my woman in my shit. Not many dudes like that either. This dude loves it. What God, my momma and my boo can't handle? Ha! It isn't much.
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