Sometimes I take comments personally because I (Ester) am the first one to read them. I wake up to get ready for work, and I check on the blog, and sometimes I read comments before my first cup of coffee. We LOVE comments, and I love passing them on for Mike to put in his scrapbook (yes - he has a prison J.J. scrapbook). And sometimes they get me thinking.... We know that most of communication is tone of voice, body language, emphasis on specific words, etc. Without face to face contact, I cannot know how to take all comments. Part of this intro (OK, anything written by me) may be a little over-reacting. I feel particularly sensitive about certain things that come up, and I jump to defend. When I don't know who left a comment, it makes me even more defensive. If you are a close friend of mine and left this comment, please don't take all of this to heart, and e-mail me if you would like to talk further about it. Otherwise, here is my overreaction, and the consequent reactions of our Jailbirds.
So this was part of my last update to Mike (and yes, this is really how I write to him, only I edited out about 20 "f-words" for the sake of honoring our readers. I cuss more than Mike does, and it's probably a fact).
"Comment left on J.J.:
[in a letter to Mike:] "I know we have already addressed it – these were my initial thoughts when I first read it though: 'Yep. Somebody asked.' Well, others have asked me, but they messaged me privately to ask. Seeing this on the blog was a different feeling. I don’t mind writing privately with people I know personally and could even call if I wanted to.
Anyway, now that you’re thinking about that, I want to say that I just spent an hour and a half thinking about that last comment. I do my best thinking in the shower and while doing arts and crafts on my face (also known as putting on make-up). So I was thinking about this for a little while, probably trying to figure out who asked, or how I could respond, or how you will respond, and who’s fucking business is it, anyway? So I guess I don’t know how much you guys discuss your sentences – like the reasons why you were sentenced. I don’t mean to ask you all to sit down in a circle and talk it all out. Personally, this is what I think it is:
1. FUCKING RUDE TO ASK. …Just like I think it’s rude when someone asks a soldier if he has killed anybody. He’s a soldier. It’s most likely that if he ever killed anybody, he HAD to. Not only is it his job and his duty to look out for his buddies, but what if somebody had a gun pointed at your face? Would you shoot them before they shot you? It’s a rhetorical question. I just mean, I am guessing for most of you [jailbirds], if you hadn’t been fucked up on drugs or alcohol or whatever, you might VERY LIKELY have NOT done whatever it was that sent you to prison. Just like if he wasn’t in serious danger, a soldier likely wouldn’t kill somebody just because he is holding a gun.
2. A qualifier. And by that I mean, somebody is asking with what purpose? …To satisfy their snoopy bone? …Or so that they can decide whether or not your crime fits nicely into what they have decided is an ‘acceptable crime?’ …You know, like getting caught with an ounce of weed is different than mugging someone. Everybody makes these judgments on their own, which is – whatever. People are going to have their own opinions. I just don’t understand how someone feels like it’s an acceptable question to ask.
Last semester at school I felt psychotically angry with one person in my class because she was like, “I will NOT work with someone who has molested a child.” REALLY?? You’re going to be a social worker and you are going to decide who you think deserves your help? …And how do you know who has and who hasn't done such a thing? Your own husband could be doing that very thing right this second, and you don't know, so STFU. I’m sorry, I know that is all rude shit for me to say right now, but those were my feelings. Get another fucking job if you can’t handle it. One thing social workers are NOT supposed to do is pass judgment, and this girl was passing judgment on an entire segment of humanity. I wanted to rip her face off. Instead I dropped out of school. I WIN!!
So this is what I was thinking about with Lance and H.A. and Scottie – have you guys prepared for what is going to happen if someone asks you? I know that’s a shitty question, but it’s happening. Lance is out there (I don’t mean ‘out there in left field,’ I mean you PUT it out there), but what about the rest of you guys? I personally don’t want people to be judging ME for what I was doing 10 years ago! I know people do, and for those who actually think I could possibly be the same person I was 10 years ago, screw them, they’re idiots. But most people aren’t asking me about it. There’s nothing to ask.
...Unless you’re dating, then people ask some stupid none-of-your-business questions sometimes too. That was always super fun. I won't be dating again in my entire life, and that means I am lucky I don’t have to deal with questions much weirder than “Do you dry your work clothes on medium heat or low heat?”
Anyway, this all has me in a quandary.
Have you worked on ways of answering? …Even ways of telling somebody it’s not any of their damn business while being able to keep your blood-pressure down at the same time? And whose business is it? In any other forum, I could easily tell a stranger to piss off. But because so much else is public regarding your sentences, and because J.J. has fans, IS it their business? Do they deserve something better than a piss off? I don’t know – you can write a book and publish it, and the only people who will ask direct questions are reporters. But a blog is different. It’s an on-going back and forth between readers and writers. Some bloggers bare it all. Some don’t. Some are anonymous. J.J. is NOT anonymous. It’s just not.
It could have been anybody who asked. ...Someone we know or don’t know, someone we love or don’t love, someone with good intentions or cruel ones. It could be someone who didn't really think it through or someone making a calculated move. I don’t know. Everybody has their own definitions of what is a heinous crime and what is a victim-less crime. We all think differently. I know my way of thinking on this very matter has changed just in the last couple years. And it all comes down to judgment. I shouldn’t say that. I don’t know what it ALL comes down to. I just know I am thinking a lot and wondering what you guys think about this too. I’m sorry because I know you guys have to think about this shit more than I do :( But here I am, unloading on you."
(This photo in no way corresponds with this post,
the mood I was in when I wrote the letter to Mike,
or even the hairstyle I currently wear.
I was just doing J.J. "stuff" when I took it.
And I couldn't find a good picture to sign this all "big ol' cranker")
So Mike writes back:
"Since Lance, Scottie, and H.A. posted on J.J., they have all been active with the project. We have a little sit-down time where we talk shit to each other. …Like we need a reason to do that J
We call our meeting to order, and I like to call them business meetings, although ‘business’ is seldom the topic.
From time to time, Ester asks us questions. The guys have grown to love Ester, and we all discuss her thoughts and questions on J.J., life out there, and life behind these bars. In Ester’s last update, she asked if we discuss our charges, or what we’re in for. Bless her heart, Ester really wants to get the low-down on life back here. Sometimes I answer these questions of Ester’s, and they become posts for you.
Scottie took off and summed Ester’s question up best. So, here he is once again.
Scottie returns."
"What'cha In For?"
By Scottie
"OK, let’s make this as simple as possible. Well, in prison terms, nothing is ever simple. So many times, people go through phases where curiosity gets the better of them. Allow me to expand on this…. Let’s say you’ve known me for a few months and we have a generic sort of friendship. In prison, this consists of card partners, work-out groups, yard get-togethers and cooking and buying food together. We consider each other bros and we got each other’s back in a jam. For instance, this describes H.A., Lance, Mike and me. Ours is a little closer than “generic friendship” but you get the idea.
One day, it’s bound to happen. The questions come up. I mean: 1. What’cha in for? 2. How long you got? and 3. Do you have paper when you get out (“paper” is prison slang for probation). These three questions – especially #1 – are not questions people in here discuss. Closest friends in here may never ever know even after years of time together. Why, you may ask.
1, it’s personal. 2, it’s mine to tell if I wish. And 3, does it benefit or hurt knowing? Me? I’m here because of an all-consuming habit that had ruined a lot of good things. Ice (Crystal Meth) is the stupidest choice I ever made. But I made it. Violated my simple probation sentence and here I sit. Any intoxicated, drugged up, pill poppin’ addict can tell you the life is great, wonderful, fun, peachy, blah blah blah…. But when he’s sober at the end of his delusions, ask him then, ask him what matters most (in prison, away from all who love him, care about him, NEED him), ask him then. Hell no! I’d rather be home with my son, wife, and family.
…But I stray from the point.
So you’ve been ‘generic’ friends for a few months and the question comes up – “Whatcha in for?” Now, depending on the answer you receive: drugs, murder, rape, battery on a LEO (Law Enforcement Officer), embezzlement, child porn – whatever the answer, there are those out there and in here that would be so shallow and superficial that the answer, not them, dictates if they’re a friend or not. What a crock of shit!
What happened to the person I was before the question? If my answer will ultimately define me as a person, why get to know me in the first place? Since I’ve been in prison, the people I call friends are the ones who understand that people make mistakes. Yes, I’m in prison. Yes, I am paying my price. But it doesn’t define who I am as a person if you look past labels, stereotypes, and bullshit of the “I’m better and above you” crowd. I’m me, and if you get to know me, please base our friendship, your opinion, or whatever on who I am, and not the mistake I made to be labeled FELON. Some people hear this word and think, ‘Oh MY! He must be awful – I’m so glad he’s locked away. Society is better off without him – Let him rot.’
To you who think this way, I feel sorry for you and pray that you yourself or someone you love never makes a mistake and gets sent to prison. Here you will learn there are many people who made a mistake and it cost them. …It cost some of us everything. I sleep, eat, and live with murderers, rapists, wife beaters, drug-dealers, stick-up artists, etc. But you know what? We’re all serving our time. Nobody is better or worse than the next. Some of us have release dates, some of us don’t. The real question we should all be asking isn’t “what’cha in for?” but “Now that you’ve been to prison, will you make better choices and stay out?” That, to me, is a more realistic inquiry.
I, for one, am going home in 4 months as I write this, and the experience truly awoke my decision-making skills. As I said before, I will be leaving great friends behind. Regardless of their crimes or the length of the time they have, I know them, and I know this is just a detour they have taken and life outside of here will be sweeter, more cherished and more sacred to them when they leave this place.
We all make mistakes, but only some learn from them.
Lance, H.A., and Mike – I don’t care what they did or didn’t do – whatever put them here. I do, however, care that they don’t ever come back. They’re my friends, my family away from home, if you will. I based that on who they are now and that’s what defines them.
So if you ever get the chance to ask a felon a question, please think before you ask “What’cha in for?” If the answer they give may change the relationship you’ve already established, don’t ask. If you do, it won’t prove you’re a better person, it will only prove you weren’t ‘friend’ material in the first place.
All my thanks to the friends of J.J. – keep reading, keep commenting, and by all means, keep supporting your local felon!”
-Scottie
