We put the 'ass' in class....

So, I'm trippin' out here.  It really blows my mind to hear the songs I grew up with are being introduced as classic rock.  Stone Temple Pilots?  Classic?  That makes me feel old. 

A car becomes a classic after like 20 years.  So am I a classic?  I don't want to be a classic.  Now, referring to my pecker as a classic makes me laugh.  Kind of makes me proud.  That's nearly bragging rights.  But me?  I'm not digging that too much.

Classic cars are missing parts.  They have holes in the floor boards and they leak fluids.  They are not reliable.  I don't like the sound of that.  Yet here I am listening to the classic rock station introducing Alice and Chains. 

Classic Rock!

This can't be right.  Seems I heard a saying about the older the berry the sweeter the juice.  Come to think of it...the saying goes "the blacker the berry...."  Well, just wait till they're calling Marilyn Manson 'classic rock'.  And why doesn't this apply to rap music?  Why only rock n' roll?  I have yet to hear of the 'classic' rap station.  As far as I know, they place Tupac long side with Little Wayne.  I mean....Jay Z has been around for like 30 years.  So has NAS.  The DJ isn't introducing these guys as classics.  "Here's another oldie but a goodie....a classic rap by Snoop Dog."

What about Easy-E?  Dude ran shit with N.W.A. That pimp would jump out da grave and pop-a-cap in yo ass for calling him a classic.  B.B. King may smile.  :)

'Classic' must be a 'white thing'.  White dudes restores a classic car and goes 'original'.  Mexicans restore a classic and installs hydrolics, a chain steering wheel and spokes.  A black dude jacks it up, puts it on 26's with bass in the trunk, T.V.s in the headrest and Louis Vuitton interrior. 
So, my question is.....what is a classic?

A car and a song becomes a classic at 20, but a person can't even buy a beer at 20.  Look back at the hair bands of the 80s.  I mean Poison, Motley Crue, Cinderella.....yep, all classic now.  I can see why Kiss would be considered a classic.  Just look at Gene Simmons.  All that paint did something to that face. 

What paint?

Yes.  Missing parts, bondo and leadking fluids all come to mind when I think Kiss.    

Should we address Bret Michaels?  Have you ever seen him without the bandana?  What's going on up there anyways?  My dad once had a ballcap that had a ponytail sewed onto the back of it.  When I see old Bret and his bandana collection, I can't help but wonder if the hair extensions are attached to his head, or the rag.  Whatever.  Even his lip-pucker-smile seems fake to me.

The bandana.  The lip-pucker-smile.

*GASP*  Bret with no bandana!  (I imagine J.J. will be pleased.)

For what it's worth, I hope to age peacefully.  I don't smoke, use drugs or even drink.  That should help.  And, if all else fails, I'll invest in the hat with ponytail. 

In case of a major overhaul, I would like to become a mexican lowrider.  In part to the Lowrider song from Cheech and Chong...but mainly because I love those little chain sterring wheels.



Can you see the little chain steering wheel he loves to much?

Then, if I could just get one of those little Taco Bell dogs to look out the back window.  Can everyone say, "Hot Chalupa?!" 

Ok.  I'm done here.

More Freakin' Riddles

As a reader of my blog, you know I tend to be an ass.  My life resembles a broken down cottage: rusty hinges, sagging doors, and a roof that leaks.  I'm a work in progress...then I get to hear my woman's sassy response...."Mike, you are fine!"  Then again, she brings out a side of me most people won't see.  Ummm....and she just thought 'a side NOBODY better see.'  You are right dear.  You always are.  So, I can keep these rusty hinges?

Well, here I sit.  Seven years left on a 12-year sentence.  My radio is playing a tune...."that which don't break us will make us stronger."  From the rest of the lyrics, I'm fairly certain this song is sexual in nature.  Sounds like he's talking about his pecker.....something 'she' is doing is making him stronger, longer.  Leave it to these rap dudes.  Anything to make a rhyme.  Years ago when I came to prison I adopted the line "If it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger."  I was looking at doing this sentence, but after listening to this song this thought seems good to apply to all areas of life.

My woman told me the other day to let them move with us, or get the fuck out of our way.  Yes, she is quite sassy and I love this.  Obviously, we don't have cars back here.  Yet when someone brings a negative vibe, or attempts to rain on my parade....I say to them, "Get out of the car."  In other words, move along.  Don't tread on me.  I would challenge you to do the same.  You will feel better, trust me.  They either move, or get with the program.  When someone comes into your life that steals your sunshine, then you need to kick their sorry ass out of the car.

"The meek shall inherit the earth."  Where I live the meek and the nice guy both occupy the end of the line.  Only the strong survive.  I came to prison thinking I was all that.  I wasn't shit.  Today?  I don't care if your three times my size.  I will throw you out of my car if you don't move on your own.  Prison will not kill me, but it has made me strong.  Don't be fooled by the manscaping.  I also tan, lightly tweeze my eyebrows, and get face peels  Just remember I am also a prisoner that will put my foot in your ass.

My dad once said, "Son, if you know you have to fight, then throw the first punch."  The element of surprise is then in your favor.  Obviously, I need to be careful punching people in their shit once I'm out there.  People out there want to call cops and press charges.  Pussies.

This reminds me of yet another saying.  "Your mouth is writing checks your ass can't cash."  I'm not a banker.  Don't try me with a check.  Ass, cash, or grass....nobody rides for free.  My woman brings the ass, I don't smoke grass....cash will be fine.  The other option?  Move out of the way.

The majority of our readers is women.  You carry babies around for 9 months and get fucked by some man daily.  Whether it's how you want it, or some other way.  Whether you realize this or not, you are the stronger sex.  Dudes tend to be the pussies.  If your a dude hitting a chick?  Then your an ass and a pussy.  If you are a chick being hit?  You need to call the cops.  I needed to clarify that.  I have a mother, three sisters, a woman, and a daughter.  I don't play that abuse shit.  And for the record, verbal abuse is just that.  Abuse.  So, put that fucker out of your car too.

God, I feel like I am getting meaner.  I speak in riddles and throw people out of my car.  Then again, if you read my blog you know I have a good heart.  We call could use some repairs.  Nobody is perfect.  Hell, if I was normal it wouldn't be nearly this cool to read about my life.

And......who said this is cool?