Better Man

Who cares if the glass is half empty or half full....drink it up!  Hello to 2014.  Hello to life.  One year less here in this prison. 

Everyone looks back, the year-in-review and takes some sort of tally.  When I look back over my 2013, I'm seeing some wonderful stuff that took place.  My institution locked me up for the Jailbird blog.  I was quickly released and changed housing to a better dorm than I was prior.  So that worked out nice.  Next, they tried to pass a revision to the rule book, or Chapter 33 as they call it.  The rule proposal would make inmates directly or indirectly involved with media such as e-mail, blogs or Facebook a violation.  Both the ACLU and the Florida Civil Liberties board came to our defense and made Tallahassee terminate this proposed rule change.  Since it is unconstitutional and even prisoners have rights to free speech.  Even through blogs and Facebook.  Another big victory for the men in blue.

I have noticed personal changes.  My ability to roll with things and see the good, even in really shitty people.  Perhaps your glass truly is completely empty.  I still try to see something in there.  May not be much, but thank God for happy hour!!  Drinks are on me!

I look at my mother.  The absolute peace she has.  I want to know that peace.  She raised me telling me it's the peace of God.  His peace passes all understanding.  There are many things I don't fully understand, yet I still find peace in that.  So perhaps I too have found His peace.  

I spoke to an officer the other day.  After we spoke for a few moments he asked if I was a Godly man.  I don't think anyone has ever asked me such a question, and definitely not in my current situation.  My reply to him was that I am a man always seeking to be better.  I saw a sincere smile stretch across the officers entire face.  For a moment we were just two men having an in-depth conversation.  I walked away impacted by our conversation and looking back I believe he did too.

That's how I closed out my 2013.  I'm not a man for new year resolutions.....rather if my life needs to change, I'm going to do it today.  Resolutions are like saying "sure, I know the car needs new tires and a brake job, but let's wait until January 1st to do it!!"  It's just silly people.

If you consider the resolution, it's obviously something you truly need.  But!!  If your going to wait until net year to do it?  Chances are you'll never get around to it.  I'm able to look back over my past year and see accomplished resolutions because I handled that shit the very day I felt I needed to change.  And that's how I can look at my sergeant and mean it when I say...."I'm a man seeking to be better."

You may not agree with me and see things the way I do, but if you stick around long enough I'll give you something to think about.  If nothing more, be blessed at least that one prisoner truly is trying to be released as a productive member of society. 

Foolin' Around

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me....a pep talk and the 10 commandments.  I've overheard women plenty of times discussing how after their marriage their man changed.  The other percentage of women thought they would change their man.

Check out the stats on divorce and you'll know how that's been working out.

I just figure the best approach is honesty.  Throw it all out there right up front.  Then make sure both parties agree.  So I've been doing just that with my lady.  And she's been countering...I'm not sure there's much give and take when it come to her.  I have pitched my tent for most of my life in the "grey area".....my lady took my tent down and put it up someplace else.


I'm still trying to find it.  Or is that the tent over yonder with a welcome mat and pink lace curtains? 

How do you women do that anyways?  Before long, your hair tie is on the car shifter and there's a box of Tampax under the sink.

You ladies mark your territory better than Fido and he's cocked his leg on every mailbox in sight.  You smile at us and say we're cute even when you know we're pissed and ready to kill.  You change the radio station and adjust the seat and mirrors to fit you.  In the present circumstance my lady asks me to wake up early on my day off and stand in the phone line to tell you good morning.

And the funny thing is, I do it.  For most of my life my momma tried and tried to save me.  God bless her for the heart and the will to never give up.  She blessed me with the same will and I've been raisin' hell for many years.

Now, I'm standing in a phone line on a Saturday at 7:30 a.m.  My lady, my mother and my daughter have somehow managed to finally reach me.  I've seen plenty of married men slip and stray from their family.  I pity the fool who thinks a bachelor pad is heaven on earth.

You can't replace a home-cooked meal, a clean house and a pussy beside you every night.  I know....you were really getting into this mushy stuff and had a big smile.  Just remember there will always be a set of nuts between these legs.  My lady may wear the pants, but I still have these nuts.

Now where the hell is my tent?

Blog Tips from your Jailbird Friend

I think a blog is a lot like a bird feeder. 

It takes time to establish your feeder. 

If you run out of seed the birds find a new place to dine.  

Once they find a new feeder it takes time to bring them back to yours.

The more activity at your feeder lets the other birds know that you have a great menu.  

Could I interest you in some bird seed?    

Faith & Peace & Chicken Grease

Faith.

A believe in the things unseen.  I believe hope is nearly the same thing.

For me, if I put hope into something it's because I truly care about it.  And if it doesn't happen, then a little piece of me dies.  Hope for me seems within my grasp.  As if it's nearly close enough to reach out and touch.

Faith, on the other hand, is more like a shot in the dark.  There's too many possibilities of what the result may be.  Like that ad that states..."results may vary".  That's faith for me.  Knowing that there are so many variables causes me to not place hope, but rather faith.  My faith is much less than my hope.

This may be wrong.  Perhaps it's backwards.  But it's what I do.

Faith is something that Bible speaks of.  The unseen.  A trust that God is real and one day he will return for his believers.  I allowed myself to put faith into my motion in the court.  I put hope in my child growing to become a great adult.  My child will break my heart if I ever see her fall.  My denied motion did not break me.  Instead, what I did was immediately plan for a longer stay.  That doesn't mean accepting this world behind this fence.  Rather accepting that I have to live, sleep and dwell here for another five or so years.

I will continue to work out.  That's a must.  When I walk out of here I will gladly leave this life behind.  However, the only thing I will take is ME.  My body and it's health is a must for me.  I have plans, and I need to be one in-shape  40-year-old dude.  I'm sure that there will be many more lessons for me in hope and faith.  Over these past years I have learned to stand tall.

There are too many people out there who fall down.  I'm talking about letting your boss walk all over you and take advantage of your time.  Calling you in on a weekend when you are supposed to have it off.  Instead of telling him/her no, you show up but wear a chip on your shoulder.  Or that family member who tells you that you are overweight and your house is a mess.  You act like you don't hear them, but when your home you cry your eyes out.  Then you have the men that take their upset home and abuse their wife and kids.  The man who is not man enough to stand up to his boss, but takes it out on his wife when he gets home.  She and the kids become the verbal punching bag.  In some cases it's even physical.

Prison has changed that for me.  Push me and I'll shove you back.  What you gonna do?  Call the cops?  Press charges?  Look where I live.  Some of you out there need to do the same.  Learn to tell the person you have the problem with about how they make you feel.  Don't take that shit home with you.  Your home is suppose to be your palace.  Your sanctuary.  Your zen place of peace.

That's how I have to do the next five or so years.  Find that little happy place and hold onto it.  Never let it go.  Thank you all for helping me do my time through your participation in the Jailbird project.    

The Things I Ponder.....

There are aspect of life behind bars that I just don't get.  Like the guy who wears his flip flops into the shower.  After his shower he then uses his towel to dry off his flip flops.  then hangs the towel back up to dry.  Then repeats the same process the next day.  He took a towel he wipes on his face and dried someone elses unborn babies off his shower shoes.  Yes.  This is a men's locker room we're talking about.

Or the guy who won't sit on a toilet seat, but perches his shower shoes on each side of the bowl, then sits on them.  Nearly everyone washes their ass around here.  So, the germs on the seat are minimal.  Well, until you place your jizz-stained, bacteria-infested shower shoes on the seat.  Now your putting whatever is on the shower floor on your ass.  Not to mention, the condition you have now left the seat in for the next man who comes to sit on that seat.

Disrespectful assholes....

It doesn't end there.  I see stuff all day that causes me to shake my head.  Take our reck yard for example.  The middle of summer and no houses anywhere near and so some of us like to take our shirt off while we work out.  Get a little Vitamin D and fresh air.  Here comes the recreational coach, a sergeant who has decided to be shirt patrol.  He chases anyone down who pulls their shirt over their head to write paperwork on.  Issuing a corrective-consultation paper.  Even going to the extreme of kicking you off the reck field for removing your shirt.   

He is so intent on doing this that he overlooks everything else.  Thing that are totally security risks.  The very things he should be monitoring to maintain safety, he overlooks to chase inmates down who have removed their shirt. 

I watched the gang activity on the reck field the other day.  Blatantly throwing gang signs around while the officer watches.  A ring of guys all surrounding the petitioner.  It's an initiation ceremony.  One guy in the center of the circle is on his knees with his head bowed.  Everyone in the surrounding ring hold his hand on the new members shoulders.  If you didn't know any better you could mistake it for a charismatic healing ceremony.  Except this is no prayer circle.  These are gang members.  Here to swear in a new member.  Organized crime and it's alive and well in the prison system.  It goes virtually unnoticed since the officer is busy chasing down a shirtless inmate doing push ups.  That's just one senario.  Here's yet another.....

We have Mp3 players that have to be plugged in to a kiosk to download our music purchases.  A couple of the officers post up around the machine and tell us inmates it's off limits.  It's a security risk for us to plug in and download our music.  Nobody's going to download their tunes to go jump the fence.  What, so they have something to listen to while they're on the run?  I think not!

Besides....if an officer can patrol the kiosk to tell you it's "off limits", then why can't he just be security and see the area as patrolled since he's leaning on the machine?  I just don't get if folks.  Some people have so much sense they have none.  There you have it.....

The things I ponder.

Until next time.....     

My Salvation

Life.  What a wild roller coaster ride.  Crazy.

One day we're up, the next down.  Over two year ago I filed a motion to try and change the original sentence of 12 years that judge gave me.  I've learned a lot in the time I've been in prison.  Seems there's life lessons every step of the way.  If nothing more than stand tall and breathe.  Breathe in and out.

Reflecting back over my life at times, I feel all I can accomplish from behind this fence has been done.  I have my sobriety, relationships with all my family and I've learned how special the love can be between the right man and woman.

I have a long term and short term business plan.  I know where I will go once I'm released.  I have learned to forgive myself and move forward with my life.  I have changed the people in my life.  Replacing the bad ones with people of moral.  Everyone else has been cut loose.  I feel good about that.

I find myself doing a lot of praying these days.  Funny my motion went to Orange County Courthouse.  Now that all this time has passed, the motion to rule was sent to the higher court.  The District Court of Appeals.  However, I take the whole thing in prayer to the highest of the high courts.

I don't always speak much on these topics.  Everyone has their own opinion.  I hate the term jailhouse religion.  Nor do I want anyone to add that to the way they describe my life.  Like I jumped on something to help save me.  I relay on myself more than anyone or anything else.  People let you down.  My life has proved that time and time again.

My daddy told me as a boy if you want it done right, do it yourself.  That's me as a man.

So, if you can imagine...trying to exercise faith in someone who hung on a cross for my sins, died, then ascended up into heaven to sit on his throne sometimes overwhelms me.  I not only met God halfway, I still try to get the whole way myself.  Just the way I am.

I don't need any crutch.  I get by on my own.  Nobody can say I came to prison and found some form of prison religion.  Instead, somewhere along the line I saw that living my life accountable to something would make me even better.  Instead of looking to God for what He can do for me, I decided to try and meet some standards. 

He set some standards called the 10 Commandments.  Most often referred to as the "thou shalt nots".  Again, I don't talk much about all this since I do it for me.  Most people would laugh anyway if they heard me say I live by some morals.  How can I possibly say that when I talk like I do about the things I do.....

Well, something I'm doing is right.  It's right for me and I'm happy.  I have peace.  Even here in prison, I'm wearing a smile.  Without laws there would be no order in the world. Without a set standard in my life, I tend to wander.  When I wander, I get into trouble.

Today I have purpose.  What I'm doing works for me.  Guess that's part of growing up.  Learning how to move through the world with grace.  Something we all could use more of.  Hope you find yours.