Reflections of a Baker

Just looking through my rear-view mirror at 2012.  Did it ever fly past.  In the four years I have been in prison, this has been the shortest year yet.  Writing for The Jailbird has helped make my sentence fly by.  All the time spent on my art projects.  The blog has helped me remain productive, though some may question how productive my rants truly are.

I'm basically half way through the sentence handed to me.  Reconnecting with my childhood friend, Brooke, has put a huge smile on my face.  Finding a mutual connection between us has given me many hopes and dreams that await my release.  Making plans for when I am free keeps me from slipping into the depths of prison life.  So I roll on.

The year 2012 has been good to me.  As I watch it come to a close, I hope that 2013 will be as rewarding.  If life is indeed what we make of it, then I have no doubt I will do fine.  A great group of people cheer me on.

I am truly blessed to have the people in my life that choose to stand tall beside me.  Only a couple months ago I was transferred from the Florida panhandle to a central Florida prison.  This prison has turned out to be a true blessing.

My bunkie's name is Rose, my spider's name is Diablo and I sleep in a two-man cell.  Once a week I have music class and get to jam on a guitar.  Even here I have surrounded myself with positive things to fill my day.   Like the candy factory, where we melt and re-shape Jolly Rancher candies into what we call jolly pops.  Since we add a sucker stick which is made from a Q-tip handle (with the fuzz removed) and inserted through the reshaped candy making a lolly pop.  Because it's made from Jolly Ranchers, they have been named "jolly pops".  Because it is something different from what is available at the chow hall and canteen, we sell a lot of them.  We have $.26 invested and sell each unit for $.60.  It's a small profit, but it is productive.  The time spent shaping these suckers is productive.  And when sold in bulk a nice profit is made. 

Our latest venture has been no-bake cookies.  If dried properly, the mix makes granola.  The ingredients are oatmeal, brown sugar, peanut butter and vanilla.  These items are then mixed in a big bag.  A new trash bag to be exact.  The ingredients are considered contraband since the prison system deems anything in an altered state to be contraband.  Once altered, the police can and many times will confiscate the said items.  I like to mix these ingredients in a large bag so that when the police come and our look out warns us of their approach, I can quickly toss this bag into a hiding spot.  Then I grab a rag and some soapy water and pretend to clean my room until the patrol unit passes.

Prison teaches you two lessons on a daily basis: patience being number one for sure.  In close second would be sneaky smart.  I know, that sounds bad.  But come one...who are we hurting making peanut butter cookies?  For real....

I haven't had my momma's cooking in over four year.  So I came up with a way to bring a small taste of home on this side of the fence.  God...it's not like I'm cooking meth.  But you always have some officer who feels differently.  He comes in and confiscates my cookies and then acts as if he busted five pounds of pure fish-scale cocaine. 

We often wonder how the big "cookie bust story" is embellished before it's told to the officer friends back home.  I doubt he's bragging that he kicked the door in on a full-scale bakery.  That he busted a roomful of prisoners making oatmeal cookies.  I'm just saying....

Police on the street take a vow to protect and to serve.  Here they proudly state "never walk alone".  They are definitely not protecting and serving anyone back here!  They're more like a pimple in the side of your butt cheek.

Anyways, it's the holiday and I won't let a little pimple on my ass get me down.  My dilemma now is how to make peanut brittle.  I think if I can place a small burning wick under a soda can I could boil down syrup.  If I add sugar to that refining process, rock candy should be the result.  Add peanuts and that is basically what peanut brittle is.  See what I'm saying?  I came to prison an addicted drug dealer.  I know...that's a mouth full.  When I leave?  I'll be a baker.

My big plan was to open a tattoo shop.  Lately, I've been thinking of a bakery instead.  Rather than sell crack rock, I'll sell rock candy.

Well, I should go.  My look-out informs me a patrol unit is approaching.  No doubt in hot pursuit of someones no-bake cookies to confinscate.  That's why they make the big bucks.  Bust a bakery and earn sergeant status.

Happy Holidays Hooligan Style!   

    

J.J. Joins Us via PHONE!

Brooke (childhood friend who is proud to keep this blog going) and Ester (J.J.'s sister who started this project!) work together with J.J. on speakerphone straight from prison to create his new hustle - Prison Pops, made with Jolly Rancher candies.

Unfortunately, a Prison Pop is not created, but enjoy hanging with us!   (NOTE J.J. gets very hard to hear between 1:30 and 4:00, but at 4:00 you will hear him again loud and clear.)

Later after this call Phillip (baby brother to J.J. and Ester) showed up and cranked out a Prison Pop with J.J. 

Here is what a Prison Pop looks like when done:

Hustle

Nearly everyone has seen that heavily tattooed prisoner.  Most people know doing tattoos is perhaps the biggest chain gang hustle.  There are quite a few others as well….

There’s the guy who puts sugar and rice into a container, along with a few other ingredients, then let’s them sit and ferment.  Heat accelerates this process.  This mix is placed into containers and buried in the ground on the reck field.  This way the guards are less likely to find the brew.  Guys don’t drink to be social.  They drink to get smashed.  Once a batch is cooked, a group of guys will get together and get their drunk on.  A big tumbler of this wine or “buck” as we call it sells for $5.  It takes two cups to get smashed.  Your buzz will cost you approximately $10. 

Once a week our menu is chicken.  The last real meat the department of corrections serves inmates.  Inmates continue to serve each other meat.  But that’s a whole different hustle.  And one we won’t get into. 

The chicken is bland, so…. there’s a hustle for that as well.  Ketchup, mixed with some chili powder, garlic and a few secret ingredients produces a sauce.  The secret is in the mix and that’s why I don’t buy the secret sauce.  However, plenty of people do. 

The sauce man mixes these ingredients and sells the sauce on chicken days.  Hopefully he hasn’t made too many bathroom breaks while he made the sauce.  Or that became another secret ingredient.  Sauce is sold in a glove finger. That’s one serving and will cost you one Ramen Soup, or the equivalent of $.50. 

People in prison love to gamble.  There are square boards passed around on game day.  These are tickets for your favorite teams and point spreads.  We call this guy the ticket man.  The pot (or winnings) can be anywhere from a couple dollars to hundreds.  Gambling is a big hustle.  And prisoners gamble on nearly everything.  Gambling is not limited to sports.  These guys gamble on who will wipe out first in the Nascar race.  They gamble on who will be voted off American Idol first.  They gamble on whose dick is bigger.  Clearly it gets out of hand.  What they need back here is gamblers anonymous. I’ll bet that never happens.

For a bag of coffee a week you can have a guy wash your laundry for you.  The coffee costs $4.80 a bag.  You pay extra to have your boxers washed.  Another guy will make your bunk for you.  For a small fee you can get nearly anything done to you, or for you.

Last week a buddy of mine and I opened the Jolly Pop Factory.  They are called jolly pops because they are made from jolly ranchers.  There are three jolly ranchers to a sucker.  The candies are heated up with hot water and reshaped into a sucker, and then a stick is added.  The stick is a Q-tip with the fuzz removed from each end. 

They sell all day for a soup, or $.50. 

We have $.26 invested between the Q-tips, the candy and the latex glove we form the candy in.  Yeah, that’s right.  We re-form the candy in the fingers of the gloves.  Then leave the candy wrapped in the finger.  We cut them from the glove so they are individually gift-wrapped.  

A Jolly Pop all packaged and ready to be enjoyed!

A Jolly Pop being enjoyed!

A well formed Jolly Pop!

STAY TUNED!!!  I (Brooke, the typist) am going to attempt to make Jolly Pops this weekend and share the video with you!  AND I will be making them with a special guest.....J.J. himself!!  That's right.  No, he is not on this side of the fence yet.  But, he is going to join me on the phone.  

 Next week we (as in J.J. and his buddy) will attempt granola bars.  And now you know too much....