Hustle

Nearly everyone has seen that heavily tattooed prisoner.  Most people know doing tattoos is perhaps the biggest chain gang hustle.  There are quite a few others as well….

There’s the guy who puts sugar and rice into a container, along with a few other ingredients, then let’s them sit and ferment.  Heat accelerates this process.  This mix is placed into containers and buried in the ground on the reck field.  This way the guards are less likely to find the brew.  Guys don’t drink to be social.  They drink to get smashed.  Once a batch is cooked, a group of guys will get together and get their drunk on.  A big tumbler of this wine or “buck” as we call it sells for $5.  It takes two cups to get smashed.  Your buzz will cost you approximately $10. 

Once a week our menu is chicken.  The last real meat the department of corrections serves inmates.  Inmates continue to serve each other meat.  But that’s a whole different hustle.  And one we won’t get into. 

The chicken is bland, so…. there’s a hustle for that as well.  Ketchup, mixed with some chili powder, garlic and a few secret ingredients produces a sauce.  The secret is in the mix and that’s why I don’t buy the secret sauce.  However, plenty of people do. 

The sauce man mixes these ingredients and sells the sauce on chicken days.  Hopefully he hasn’t made too many bathroom breaks while he made the sauce.  Or that became another secret ingredient.  Sauce is sold in a glove finger. That’s one serving and will cost you one Ramen Soup, or the equivalent of $.50. 

People in prison love to gamble.  There are square boards passed around on game day.  These are tickets for your favorite teams and point spreads.  We call this guy the ticket man.  The pot (or winnings) can be anywhere from a couple dollars to hundreds.  Gambling is a big hustle.  And prisoners gamble on nearly everything.  Gambling is not limited to sports.  These guys gamble on who will wipe out first in the Nascar race.  They gamble on who will be voted off American Idol first.  They gamble on whose dick is bigger.  Clearly it gets out of hand.  What they need back here is gamblers anonymous. I’ll bet that never happens.

For a bag of coffee a week you can have a guy wash your laundry for you.  The coffee costs $4.80 a bag.  You pay extra to have your boxers washed.  Another guy will make your bunk for you.  For a small fee you can get nearly anything done to you, or for you.

Last week a buddy of mine and I opened the Jolly Pop Factory.  They are called jolly pops because they are made from jolly ranchers.  There are three jolly ranchers to a sucker.  The candies are heated up with hot water and reshaped into a sucker, and then a stick is added.  The stick is a Q-tip with the fuzz removed from each end. 

They sell all day for a soup, or $.50. 

We have $.26 invested between the Q-tips, the candy and the latex glove we form the candy in.  Yeah, that’s right.  We re-form the candy in the fingers of the gloves.  Then leave the candy wrapped in the finger.  We cut them from the glove so they are individually gift-wrapped.  

A Jolly Pop all packaged and ready to be enjoyed!

A Jolly Pop being enjoyed!

A well formed Jolly Pop!

STAY TUNED!!!  I (Brooke, the typist) am going to attempt to make Jolly Pops this weekend and share the video with you!  AND I will be making them with a special guest.....J.J. himself!!  That's right.  No, he is not on this side of the fence yet.  But, he is going to join me on the phone.  

 Next week we (as in J.J. and his buddy) will attempt granola bars.  And now you know too much....