Happy Valentine's Day

Guys, you do know what’s coming up, right?

There are three things you better never, ever forget.  You never forget your woman’s birthday, anniversary, or Valentine’s Day.  In case you forgot, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.

Let’s pretend you forget one….  Ooooohhhhh – you dumb ass!  Some free advice: Memorize these dates.  Tattoo them on your brain, and never forget them.  You will be tested on this.

Driving down the road, your lady will look over at you and ask, “Honey, do you know what tomorrow is?”

Hold it dude!  That’s a loaded question!  DO NOT blurt out one of the days of the week until you are 200% sure you know the correct answer.  You can’t take too long either.  She’ll pick that up too.  Another tip: Women have very accurate bullshit meters. 

So you fuck it up and forget.  She says, “that’s ok.”  Hmmm – when hell freezes over, that's ok.  Depending on how bad you assed it up, you’re about to miss out.  Birthday sex, Valentine’s Day sex, and anniversary sex are awesome.  But that doesn’t matter.  You’re not getting any.  Nope, sorry dude.  At this point, your best bet is make-up sex.  …And that won’t happen until she burns you with the cold shoulder for a while.

Allow me to add ‘drunk-sex’ to this list as well.  …Let me clarify: Not drunk sex where you are wasted with someone you don’t know.  If you even remember that sex the next day, it was probably clumsy and slightly uncomfortable.  No, I’m talking about drunk-sex with your woman.  The lady you are comfortable with.  These are special days.  You get a pass to do extra awesome stuff.  Meaning:

“Just sit back while I do this.” 

“Let’s try this position.”

“Put it in here.”

Sorry dude, the only thing you’re putting it in is your hand.

Guys see things completely differently.  Our answer to a problem is sex.  We think with The Penis. 

A guy walks into a room.  The women scan you.  They assess you.  Are you clean?  Are your nails nicely trimmed?  Is your hair cut and combed?  Do your clothes fit?  And what kind of shape are your shoes in?  Then they measure your air of confidence.  They do this quickly and efficiently.  Within a few seconds they give you a rating.  You probably didn’t even notice, but trust me, you were sized up, buddy.

Men, on the other hand, are very shallow and rarely subtle at all.  We are often caught staring… at one of two places: Tits or ass.  This is because we think short-term (that’s penis talk).  We are not thinking about marriage, babies, careers, or picket fences.  No, we’re thinking about sex, plain and simple.  We have a rating meter as well.  On a scale of 1-10, what would sex be like with you? 

...Of course, I’m not that guy.  I used to be.  Right now I’m just trying to help a dude out and remind you to have a Happy Valentine’s Day!"