Some Funny shit!

God I feel great.  It's good to be alive.  I'm 33 years old.  My lady came to visit me the other day.  During our visit she held my hand and told me how soft hands are.  I laughed.  Then went on to say that's to be expected.  I don't work.  I'm self-employed and my biggest job is trying not to work. 

I enrolled in a bible correspondence class.  They are studying the Book of John.  I say THEY are studying because I have yet to complete and return a lesson.  I'm currently in danger of being thrown out, but I haven't even shown up yet.  They have sent me two nice postcards informing me they are eagerly awaiting my first lesson.  Maybe I could send them a postcard back to tell them I'm almost done.  The other option is to pay someone else to do the class for me.  My lady said I may not do that.  Something about being sacrilegious.  (Is that like keeping a Bible on the back of the toilet and reading it while you take a shit?  I'm not sure.)

I'm not poking fun here.  I enjoy stupid people and at times I am one as well.  I overheard the village idiot tell everyone he wasn't going to gamble anymore.  Yes, even here in prison we have a village idiot.  Most times we have more than one.  This one states he's done gambling.  He states this by saying that he bets no-one sees him playing cards and betting anymore.  Sounds like a plan.  He was gambling earlier today. 

I see this all the time.  Your in prison for drugs.  Instead of getting clean, you use them here as well.  Not only that, but you spend the small money you family sends you on dope.  If your people knew you sat in here gambling and paying $3.00 a cigarette, they would cut your silly ass off.  The best part...they're big ballers on the street with two houses, five cars, and their chain hangin' to the floor.  Screw it.  They're not my responsibility and when I leave here, I go home alone. 

Here I am, giving you my thoughts and opinions as if you asked for them.  You didn't. But....what if you had? 

I ask people for something, and I pay attention to the answer.  Not many people do this anymore.  Paying attention is a dying art.  Everybody is in such a rush all the time.  Why call, when you can text?  Texting means that you don't even have to talk. 

You call a business with a question.  (Now pay attention....because you call them with a question.)  And the first thing they say to you is...."Please hold."  Have you ever told them no?  Doesn't matter cause you are already being placed on hold.  That's not even a question.  And I like to reply with...."hold these nuts."  Then you hang up, call back and as soon as they say the name of their business, ask them to hold.

Same thing when someone is walking past you and says "Hello, how are you?"  They're walking past for Christs sake.  They don't plan to talk to you.  So as as courtesy we say, "Fine, thanks."  You may be anything BUT fine, yet you will answer that you're good.  Why?  Because we are nice, programmed Americans.  Try giving someone a long answer next time.  Make them stop walking.  Make them stand there for a second.  What?  Does that make me an ass?  Hell no!

When my lady begins to tell me about her new earrings and high heels?  I listen.  When she tells me she painted her toes to match her nails, now she needs a purse to match?  Yep, I listen.  For the most part she listens to me.  I mean, all you ladies have that "selective hearing" perfected.  You will lie and say the kids did that to you.....no, your man did.

So I told her I want a cannon in our front yard.  A big one.  With the wheels and all.  Like civil war style.  And I'm painting it gold.  This is my cannon and I don't want anyone touching it.  Maybe I'll put a little fence around it.  I'm excited about this.  My lady buys purses, all I want is a gold cannon.  Owning a cannon is really cool.  Maybe I could start a club.  Baby!!  Will you look into that?!