A Regular Joe

I walked down my hallway to talk on the phone.  While passing the bathroom I caught movement in my peripheral that caused me to quickly glance and catch some dude leaned against the wall jacking off.  After I passed the shooting range I made that phone call.

The call was placed to Brooke where she told me her dog was in the backyard eating another dog's poop.  Sometimes I wonder if my life is super crazy or does everyone have days where it seems your living in a movie?  I'm a regular dude.  I wake up in the morning and tie my shoes just like the next guy.  I then head off to the reck yard where I work out for about one hour.  I then grab an empty vitamin bottle with holes punched into the sides and catch grasshoppers.  They're called "hoppers" because they tend to do just that....hop away from you.

It's quite comical to watch a dude corral grasshoppers I'm sure.  And if you wondering why I do this....I do this for my Diablo, my spider.  He is a Florida Regal.  Most commonly referred to as  the jumping spider.  He eats a grasshopper every other day.  It's my responsibility to capture the food for him.  Then I pull off it's big jumper legs, stick it on the wall and let it walk to its death.  Diablo comes out of his web and handles the rest.

All this seems normal to me.  Then again, if my life was normal, I don't suppose this blog would still be growing every day.

I'm 34 years old.  I hang out on the playground with my friends and catch grasshoppers.  I still think farts are funny, have burping contests, and say "balls on your forehead!"

Most of my life lessons have come through trial and error.  Usually by the error means.  Then again, that's where lasting lessons come from.  I live my life like chicken pox.  Do it once, and it should never happen again....right?

Although there have been cases where the pox hits twice.  Ironically it's usually where the first case was mild and not very extreme.  I was removed from school and placed in a bathtub full of oatmeal for three days unable to swallow.  What's oatmeal have to do with chicken pox anyways?  Was that just my parents genius at work?  "He he....let's put him in here then we'll know where he's at." 

One time I complained of being tired and my mother told me I probably had mono.....the kissing disease.  Her next question was who had I been kissing on.  Moms are super nosy.

I'll never forget the time I came home and she just looked at me, then began to cry.  She then says, "My son...you just gave away the gift you can only give to one woman."  Yes, you may have guessed.  I gave her a special ride on my bicycle.  And how the hell did my mom know?  That was my question.  She'll swear to this day a mother just knows these things.  And I'm screaming...."BULLSHIT!"

If you had any idea how many times I gave that "special gift" away you would have died from a heart attack!!  I'm gonna just guess you couldn't help but catch the glow radiating from me.  The dazed and confused look a man gets just before he passes out to take an after-sex nap.  I know....all you ladies want to do is cuddle.  That's cool....you cuddle while we sleep.