Dumb Turkey

I used to take my dog for a walk.  She would come to the edge of the bed and nip my leg, my butt, whatever was closest for her to grab.  If I told her to go away, she would jump into the bed with me.  So, I would get up.  Put on a hoodie and shorts and let her out.  And this started my day.

Now I'm in prison and my dog is gone.  I wake up to the hooligans instead.  They call me the Hooligan, but as I look around at them...they are hooligans as well.  I traded my pitbull for a handful of guys I call my dogs.

A couple of weeks back we started doing coffee and cookies in the morning.  Everyone comes to my place and we poke fun at each other.  Make fun of the guards while we eat cookies and drink mugs of instant Nescafe coffee.  In the free world, I met buddies at a Cracker Barrel or a local mom and pops breakfast joint.  Gets the day started off on a good note.  So I decided to do it here. 

I'm 34 this year and a well-oiled machine.  I understand the formula to crank this engine.  You don't jump in, turn the key and drive.  That's all wrong. You pump the gas twice....wait a second, then turn the key.  Repeat if necessary.  When the engine catches and comes to life you let it sit and warm up.  Rushing will get you nowhere.  But it took me all 34 of my years to figure this out.  I come with a warning label and a full disclaimer.  And my lady still chooses me every day.  Hope she doesn't secretly think she's gonna change me...hmmmm....

And it's called growing up.  Learning about yourself and what makes you tick as a person.  Finding the difference between 'good' and becoming 'great'.  Whether it's a great husband, a dad, or visa versa. 

I see these young dudes come fresh in prison.  Think they run shit and you know full well it's only a matter of time before they crash.  You can lead a turkey to water and see what he does.  Prison is full of dumb turkeys.  I have coffee with four of them every day.  Except we call ourselves Hooligans.

You see...dumb turkeys think they're smart but are stupid as hell.  A hooligan figured out they're stupid and decided to roll with it.  And they call this being confident.  This is a trait Men's Health told me women love.

I must be rolling with a lot of stupid cause my woman loves me like crazy.  Perhaps I can make stupid start to look cool.  Like the guys who wear those skinny jeans.  That's dorkey, but put a skateboard and a shag haircut in the mix and it's a new trend.  Everyone's doing it.  In my case, I took stupid and tattooed the hell out of it.  Sweet.

My lady will be the brains behind the operation.  Just call me "Pinky".  That's one of my favorite cartoons of all time.  Second only to Ren and Stimpy.  My third choice could be Thundercats.

Well, I'm gonna go put on my skinny jeans and head to the water hole.  I have a turkey to meet.