Crack Kills

It's said you can boil a toad in water if you increase the heat slowly.  Personally, I have never had the desire to boil a toad.  Yet this seems reasonable...why not?  I mean I went from smoking some pot to smoking some crack. Well, there were some steps in between that process.  Kind of like bringing lukewarm water to a boil under a frog's ass.

And, had I taken up boiling frogs, I could have quite possibly avoided my current situation.  At the very least I would have boiled less of my brain cells.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone...but they've always worked for me.  Are you completely lost?  Join the club!

You have to remember that I am a man well-schooled in heavy drug use.  Perhaps it takes a mind as twisted as mine to grasp what I am trying to say.  If you have never experimented in the use of mind-expanding drugs, then you are completely lost right now.  Then again...perhaps not.  Quite possibly it is I that gets lost at times.  Perhaps an easier question would be "Have you ever boiled a toad?"

You see, who has the problem now?  However, what's a problem if we can explain it away?  Take the phrase, "everything in moderation."  Wherever you see that quote, you should immediately find a warning sign posted close by.  Think about it!  When was the last time you heard someone say that?  Did they hand you a piece of triple-dipped dark chocolate fudge?  Here, try this...in moderation!  Or was is that voluptuous blonde at the company Christmas party?  Here, touch these...in moderation!  I'm gonna guess not!  No.  Most likely that was a drunk trying to explain away his drinking problem.  Or the weekend 'recreational' crack-smoker trying to explain away his habit. 

What about this one..."What's good for the goose is good for the gander."  Meaning that what 'one' goose likes, all the gooses must like.  Well...thank the good Lord we aren't geese.  Although I have been told I'm a real quack, full of shit, and I love to fly into the V.  (As in...OK, you must get that.)

Then the holidays roll around.  The radio begins to play the real gems.  Like A Partridge In A Pear Tree.  Need I even visit this train wreck?  How about Granny Got Ran Over By A Reindeer?  Well, sure you laugh.  People, we made these songs classics!!!

Let's not forget my personal favorite...A Christmas Story.  I love this movie.  The whole movie is about a Red Ryder B.B. gun and a lamp made from a mannequins bare legs.  "Be careful boy...you'll shoot your eye out!"

OH, OH!!  Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory.  Talk about mind-expanding drugs.  Who wrote that anyway?  You don't need to spike your eggnog to take a trip when you watch kids turn into blueberries.  What the hell?!  Whoever wrote that probably boiled some toads as well.  And I thought I lived a wild life.  I was only a recreational goose smoking crack in moderation.

Ahhhh.  It's been fun, but we need to go back.  Earlier, I stated drugs, alcohol, and violence worked for me.  Only for a time.  All three of those have nearly killed me.  I think a cold beer, an occasional mixed drink with a shot will keep me just right.  What that neglects, my lady can handle.  These truly are the finer things in life...the cold beer, a warm home and a nice wife.  Or perhaps that was a nice home and a warm wife.  I'm sure no-one wants a cold wife, and a warm beer.

In the end I'll probably always be the crazy goose.  I also traded the crack for that voluptuous woman and fudge.  Let's not forget the triple-dipped chocolate fudge.  The only thing better than that is my voluptuous woman drizzled with fudge.  This reminds me..."Honey!  Can you get some whip cream and a toad while you are out?  Yes, and don't forget the toad...I want to try something."