Just the same, kids around the world are making their list, and checking it twice. Santa traded the sled in for a Cadillac on 24s. We are in for a hood-Christmas. Years ago a little kid sang that all he wanted was his two front teeth. This year he wants a platinum grill with any icy chain.
Somewhere deep within the department of corrections a man scratches his chin. Will he make the list? Does the good outweigh the bad yet? How will the naughty or nice list read this year? Just in case...a list is made....
Dear Santa,
This year I don't ask for much. My requests are not in any certain order. Of course, Peace on Earth is first. Forgetting that would be like Little Wayne and Nikki Minaj forgetting to thank their Savior Jesus Christ at the Grammy's for their extraordinary talent.
Second on my list? A bull whip. Ever since I saw Indiana Jones save the world and find the holy grail....all with the help of a bull whip? I have wanted one.
I'm not even sure if my next gift idea even has a name. It looks fairly simple. Have you ever seen Crocodile Dundee, Santa? Remember the aborigine dude who made the phone call? Well, he twirled that string thingy with a chunk of wood tied on the end. It made this humming noise that was heard across the jungle. Yeah...I could really use that here.
I'm not sure if the property sergeant will let the bull whip in. Maybe if you package it as a "fitness tool"? Well, it kind of looks like a jump rops. Maybe you could put some pink handles on each end. No, I don't want a bull whip with pink handles. I'm just trying to throw the property sergeant. That may be enough to distract him. Who knows...he's a littly 'funny'.
I have read over the large handbook of prisoners. All the 'thou shalt nots'! But nowhere did I see any stipulations on pink-handled jump ropes. Hey, bull whips are not mentioned for that matter. Well, it's worth a shot.
And then the jungle cell phone. They don't carry them at Toys-R-Us. You may need to google it. Try Crocodile Dundee aborigine portable cell phone. If that doesn't work, try eBay. I will settle for a used one. That's OK. I will be the envy of the pound, no doubt.
When I stand on the reck field and begin to twirl that string, I will instantly gain superior status. Perhaps I will even wear the traditional groin cloth. I am super excited. Now you can probably send that in as a religious relic. Well, I mean dudes get their special hats and these floor mats sent in to them. Oh! Prayer mats....that's right. So, if they can get a chunk of carpet sent in....there should be no problem with a small piece of wood. Worse case scenario? Just roll it up in one of those mud flaps and send it in.
If it's not too much, I would like to ask for only one last thing. Could you roll past my Grandma's and grab me some of her peanut brittle? She makes the best! But, listen Santa. If you drive the Cadi, turn the bass down at Grandmas. And if you still have those big rims? Don't stay too long. Granny may think she's being robbed and spray your ride. Don't mess with Granny! She's packin' enough heat to make the ghetto proud. Just snag some peanut brittle and slide out, OK?
You can look her up on mapquest. Just punch her into your GPS. She lives in a little place called Houghton Lake. And listen, mail me my shit, OK? You roll in here and they will jack your shit, for sure!
Sorry, there is no way I can leave out cookies and milk here. Not happening. These boys will steal your rims and leave your whip on blocks 'yo'.
Word. Santa! Just shoot it Dawg!!
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| Santa's Ghetto by guerrilla artist Banksy Photo from London Evening Standard More about this can be found at http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/arts/article-23376642-christmas-greetings-from-banksy.do |
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