I'll Drink to That

You know the saying ‘Open mouth – insert foot?’  …Many times, I feel my bullshit meter is pegged at a full tank.

I’m reminded of the time I purchased a used truck.  It didn’t run, so I picked it up on a flat-bed trailer.  Driving through downtown Orlando on the 408 expressway, I watched that truck back itself off my trailer.  It then drove itself across four lanes of traffic before it smashed into the side of a semi.

Seems I drove it on to the trailer, put the truck in park, but forgot the safety chains.

Watching it back off my trailer, my jaw dropped.  When it broad-sided the semi, I said, “Oh shit!”  And yes, I tried to keep going as if it didn’t happen.  But then there’s a car next to me, honking, making lots of hand signals, flashing his headlights.  …The Good Samaritan making sure I realized that a full-sized Chevy service truck just unloaded itself off my trailer.

Thank you, Sherlock!  As if I hadn’t fuckin’ noticed!  Sometimes we need the obvious stated.  That day?  …Not so much.

I really like how everyone pays close attention to me, like I’m the car crash about to happen. 

You’re driving down the highway at 80 m.p.h. when you’re passed by someone doing well over 100.  Five miles down the road, you pass him as he’s pulled over by the cops.  As you drive by and give him the finger, you mutter, “Fuckin’ retard.”  I like to be the dude giving the finger, but often times I’m the other guy.

…Reminds me of another saying.  Something about planks and beams in your eye.  Fix yourself before you flick me off?  Yeah – I know – there’s a forest growing in my eye.

I have a new plan.  If you don’t like me, just ball-check me.  Scottie and I had this down pat.

Speak of the Devil!

SCOTTIE, you little dick weed – where you at?  I haven’t been ball-checked, shit on, spooned, mooned, or shown the goat for some time now.  Could you just check in?  I know sex isn’t taking you this long.  Holster the pistol, man!

OK, back to these genius sayings.  These nuggets of encouragement.

I wrote some time back, “When life hands you lemons [make lemonade].”  A reader wrote, “Find someone with tequila and have a party!”  …Now that’s what I’m talking about!  Do you cook as well?  Tell you what… grab your tequila and meet me in 2018!  Don’t worry about cooking.  If we get around to eating, we’ll order room service. 

For the rest of you who are watching me:

Do you get hung up on the man who broke the law, or do you see the changes?

I talk about being accountable… like driving off after that truck rolled off my trailer.  …If nobody is looking, I may just drive off today as well.  Thing is, I know this about myself.  Growing up doesn’t mean you ‘fixed’ all your errors, you just know what they are and live accordingly.

This project, J.J., has become my preventative maintenance.  So please…go ahead and watch me.  You can pull alongside me and flash your lights – give me hand signals….  Just prepare to get hand signals back at you. 

Nah… changes, people. Changes.  I’ll just smile and wave.  …While I think to myself, ‘Fuckin’ retard.’

I guess in some ways I am still the same dude.  Many of my changes can’t be seen from back here.  Or I don’t know how to talk about them.

…Like trying to be a dad to my daughter, being a good big brother to my siblings, or a son my mother can be proud of…Or being faithful to my woman and letting her know she’s my queen.

If you’re one of my peeps, you know I love you.  My daughter makes me melt.  My boo puts my head in the clouds.

The biggest change you can’t see… I put my people first.  I put myself last.  Addicts are about number one.  That’s the nature of the beast.  If you’re watching… I’m clean.  Just over 3 years now.  Smoke free for 14 months and going strong.  I drink coffee, but that’s legal in all 50 states.  Weed may be one day too.  You can have that shit too.  I don’t need it. 

Half my family smokes weed, which makes Christmas easy.  Doritos for everyone…Tequila for me. 

Hey baby!  Psst!  You awake?  Grab your tequila and let’s go… fishing.”  J