CHOKE

I read a statistic that states...

"People who read blogs tend to spend 3-5 minutes before they lose interest."

Consequently I began to shorten my speeches.  Still, I must ask...what were you doing prior to reading this?  I hope it wasn't productive....since this won't be! 

There is an ad for Rosetta Stone that states.....

"In the time you spend listening to this ad, you could have learned a new language."

Then the bastards go on to remind you that indeed you did not learn a new language.  And you should consider that possibility in case you want to talk to the guys cutting your grass.  I won't remind you of what you are not doing.  Instead, allow me to say THANKS!  Thank you for giving me three to five minutes of your time.

With reality TV you can actually watch a prisoner's life.  Here, you only read about me.  Then again, who wants to watch a prisoner talk shit and do push-ups for two hours?  Looks like I only have about two more minutes of your time.  I should move on.

Last week I was looking for a way to kill some time.  My buddy suggested we try the library.  We entered the multipurpose building before realizing the library is closed.  Then we discover the exit door is locked.  That's when the music starts, and the choir begins to sing.  My friend's eyes get big and all I can say is "Hallelujah!" That was our first service here and my friend says his last.  

I was surprised to see my name under the schedule to meet with the chaplain this week.  Church last week, now a personal meeting?  Did I piss off God?  So I show up to the meeting....the chaplain does not.  I do the logical thing and slide over to the library to check out new books.  Since I finished Crank, I decided to grab two more.  Books with short titles grab my attention.  Short, simple and to the point.  My new book is Choke.  My next choice wasn't short...How to Kill a Florida Tourist.  And I just had to have this one.  Wouldn't you know it....as I leave the library I see the chaplain finally showed up. 

My choices are to run the other way or face the music.  I walk into his office.  The chaplain wants to know if I am interested in signing up for a faith based prison.  That's what I just left.  So, I look at him to see if he's serious.  Staring at me over the top of his coke bottle glasses, I realize that he is indeed serious.  At which time I drop my latest reading material onto his desk.  I continued to explain to him that my last prison was faith based.  I am not interested in going back.  Would he like me to put that in writing for him?

Was it the book titles strategically facing him?  Perhaps the words CHOKE and KILL stood out.  He reaches into his desk and produces a sign out sheet.  My faith and character have been tested ever since I came to prison.  Ironically, the biggest tests came during my stay at faith and character camps.  All I want to do is catch up on my reading.

Looks like our time is up.  I stretched the three to a five.  You did not learn a new language.  Nor did this accomplish anything productive.  If you have enjoyed doing nothing, then you too may want to check out the book Choke.  Chuck Palahniuk is the author.  You better know him as the author of Fight Club.  Hang on for one wild ride.  As is my life.  Thanks for joining me.