Prison Nights

(Borrowed from Jared Shelburne's Flickr)

My friend Scottie and I were talking about life behind bars.  Our conversation was serious for once.  That’s not usually the case when we’re together.  We are both clowns.  Scottie is quick to admit his humor is often times a defense mechanism.  We fill our day full of the few activities we are offered here.  That’s called ‘doing time.’  It’s a different story at night when the lights go down.

At night, the hustle and bustle fades away into silence.  Time slows down and you are left alone with your thoughts.  I’ve been to confinement, and I’ve been beat down.  Neither compares to the battle of the mind.  Honestly, I think nights are a prisoner’s worst enemy.  They say that a near-death experience causes a person’s life to flash before his eyes.  This happens to a prisoner every night.

My solution to this problem is pictures.  Above my bunk I have taped up a couple of photos of special people and special places in my life.  Nights suck, and I try to steer my thoughts in a good direction.  Thanks Scottie.  Our talk jinxed me, and I had no control over my thoughts last night.  My thoughts were of my last days as a free man.

Here are a few of those memories:

Yes, I tried to have some control.  When I saw the direction my mind was going, I tried to turn it to sex.  Yeah, I know – typical male, huh?

The last time I had sex was three years ago.  My girl woke me up when she got home from work at 3 a.m.  Had I known that would be my last for this long, I would have put more into it.  Ha ha!  Put more into it… that’s funny. 

Ok, never mind.

These days my sisters and I are very close.  The last time I saw my baby sister Gracie she got wasted with me and puked on my guest bed.  Thanks Gracie!  I miss you!

The last time I saw my sister Abigail was here.  She is the only one of my sisters who has been able to see me since I fell.  She hugged me like it might be the last time.  She cried, and I tried not to.  I’ve honestly never felt that amount of love radiated from a hug, except maybe by our mother.

You will soon see a picture of me with my mother.  That was her last visit, which was a surprise on my birthday last year.  We had a blast!  You can see the happiness all over my face.

My sister Ester, who makes this thing happen, has not seen me in years.  When you did see me last, Ester, I was a mess.  Next time things will be different, but you know that.  Doing this project together has taken our relationship to a whole different level.  This is the closest I think we have ever been, even through the miles that separate.

The last time I saw my brother Aaron was here.  He drove me to court the day I was sentenced.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen the kind of hurt on a face like I on my dear brother that day.  In one word, I would say ‘broken.’  He came to visit me here a little over a year ago.

My baby brother Phil has not seen me in a long time.  The last time he saw me would have been during one of my visits to our mom’s, at which time I was heavy on drugs and chasing women.  We talk on the phone now and he learns all about me on Jailbird.  …Which may or may not be a good thing.

My dad tries to visit me every couple of months.

I was the oldest of six kids growing up, and the only one in my family to go to prison.  When I lay in my bed at night and think back over my life, I see the people who I let down.  …The people who loved me the most: my family.

Within the first six months of my sentence, I saw friend after friend drop out of my life.  The girl I was dating left during that time.  “Out of sight, out of mind” is very true.  Today I cherish the people who have stuck by my side.

Still, late at night, when you are left to your thoughts, it’s lonely.  The life you had and left behind, the people you knew are gone, and the people you let down….  My family does every day of this sentence with me.  When I came here, I brought my mother and my brothers and sisters with me.  That’s some heavy shit – that’s the late-night conversation between me and my thoughts.  If I couldn’t laugh and make jokes, this place would eat me alive.

We all need a good laugh.  I hope you find one or two at Jailbird.  I’ll keep doing what I do.  And Scottie, thank you for the time you take to make me laugh.  God knows I need it too!