Guest Post by Lance



My friend Lance sleeps two bunks away from me.  He is the most educated guy in our crew.  Lance joins us in our silliness, but many times is the voice of reason.  …The quiet, reserved type.  Our crew is well-rounded.  We are quite the characters.  My intentions are to introduce you to the guys, and then attempt to paint a picture of our daily lives behind the fence.  Welcome to our lives, and my friend Lance…

“Greetings, J.J. readers.  My name is Lance and Mike has asked me if I would like to contribute to the site.  My first thought was, ‘What more could be said about this place that Mike hasn’t described already?’  I think I should start with a few experiences and observations of my own.

We’ll begin with one basic truth.  The universal opinion held by incarcerated people all over the world: Prison sucks.  There is no way around it.  Some enjoy it more than others, but when you’re lying on your back in the middle of the night, fighting off the ‘what-ifs,’ the only place you want to be is at home with your family.  For some, this isn’t going to happen any time soon. 

I am serving a 25-year sentence for DUI-manslaughter and other DUI-related felonies.  The only things I can remember about that night are hanging out with friends, drinking beer and popping Xanax.  Things go dark.  Next, I’m coming to in the E.R.  I’ve got a broken arm, leg, and sternum.  I look around.  My mom’s standing there, scared shitless, telling me I was in a wreck and someone died. 

I’ve been living with it ever since.  Hopefully anyone reading these words will think twice about driving impaired, even if you’ve done it a million times before and you think it can never happen to you.  Believe me, it can.

So where were we?  Oh yeah.  Prisons.  Another popular opinion is that the food sucks.  Everything is either overcooked or undercooked.  Salt and pepper are needed for all meals – lots of it – because nobody in the kitchen seems to know what spices are for.  Once in a blue moon, someone who knows what he is doing will slip through the screening process and get a job as a cook.  After he has prepared his first meal, he will be immediately noticed by the kitchen supervisors.  The new cook is warned not to use garlic again, or serious consequences will result.  The cook is torn: Will he tow the line?  …Or will he follow his conscience and make an effort to create food that is palatable?   …After all, he does live with the people he feeds, and shitty food is a good way to piss them off.  As you can guess, our friend didn’t last long at his new job.  But at least he can sleep soundly in confinement, knowing he’s done the right thing.

If, by chance, you ever get in trouble with the law and find yourself in prison, please follow this advice:  Never, ever, under any circumstances, become seriously ill or injured.  The chances of your surviving are slim.  I remember a doctor at my last camp who blamed all physical ailments on smoking.

Doc:  What seems to be the problem?          

Me:  My lower back is killing me, doc.

Doc:  How did you hurt your back?

Me: I don’t know.  I just woke up this morning and I was in pain.

Doc:  So what’s wrong with your back?

Me:  Well, doc, I was kinda hoping you could help me out with that.

Doc:  Do you smoke?

Me:  Um, yeah.

Doc:  That’s what’s wrong with your back!

I swear I’m not making this up.  This guy prescribed ibuprofen for everything from headaches to heart-attacks and had the beside-manner of an Islamic dictator.  I must be fair and add that there are medical practitioners employed by the state that have genuine care and concern for inmates.  Just make sure to say no when asked if you smoke.

The next thing you need to know is this: Toilet paper is as precious as gold.  Back in the day, when the state had plenty of money, you could get toiletries whenever you needed them.  These days you are issues soap and razors once a week and toilet paper once every 10 days.  TP is important for obvious reasons and must be protected at all costs.  Carry it in your pocket or keep it under lock and key, or you may end up like my friend Mike (not that Mike – we’ll call this guy ‘Mike #2’), who has just informed me that some scumbag communist pussy has stolen his Charmin, and that there will be hell to pay if it is not returned immediately.  Mike #2 is obviously pissed, but he has only himself to blame.  After all, this is prison, and shit gets stolen all the time.  Sorry buddy, but it looks like you’ve got a long week ahead.

 

Believe it or not, prison has a few perks.  One is that most inmates have great teeth.  That’s because we have dental care that is first-rate and very inexpensive.  Hell, it’s free for those with no money in their account, and only $5 for those who do.  Extractions and fillings are given when needed, cleaning and polishing once a year, and dentures are provided for those recovering from “meth-mouth.”  …All this from the same dentist who charges you $500 a tooth on the street.  Not a bad deal, huh?

Another perk is that you can meet people from all over the world, from all walks of life.  I’ve ran into Columbian drug-runners, Russian mobsters, Moroccan phone salesmen, and an authentic Cuban Marialito.  …And of course, there’s Mike, H.A., and Scottie.

Prison is full of good people who made bad decisions or got caught up in unfortunate circumstances.  Some have told me I don’t belong here, and while I appreciate it, I’ve definitely earned my sentence.  Yet there are thousands of inmates who deserve a second chance."

(Image borrowed from The November Coalition)

"For years, the state has relied on prisons to stimulate the local economies of rural counties, in turn collecting tax revenues.  Over the years facilities were built in almost every county, and more than one in many.  That’s over 150 institutions.  With so many beds to fill, the state began to enact tougher crime legislation and stricter penalties for those on parole and probation.  In the ‘90s, the parole system was ended for new offenders, and gain-time incentives reduced, insuring inmates stayed incarcerated longer.  Slowly, the inmate population rose past 100,000, one of the highest in the country. 

Things were running smoothly until the housing market collapsed in 2008, sending real-estate-dependent economies into turmoil.  Since then, the state budget has been cut repeatedly, putting the squeeze on state departments.  Things have become so bad that our new governor, who promised 700,000 new jobs in 8 years is now forced to cut state jobs to reduce the budget deficit.  This means that officers at over-staffed prisons will be unemployed soon.

So who will watch the inmates?  One thing is certain.  The state will continue to cut corners until every option is exhausted, and the obvious remains.  Early release for first-timers and non-violent offenders are sensible options as well as drug-treatment programs for those struggling with addiction.

This Lock ‘em up and throw away the key mentality has failed.  As times change, our attitudes about crime and punishment should change as well.  A little common sense should help too.

NAMASTE”