“When was the last time you just wished you could go take a nap and wake up tomorrow?
Lately, I wish I could fall asleep for the next 7 or 8 years. Stuff just begins to weigh heavy on your shoulders. Some days even the funny guy can’t find anything to laugh about. Back here we say you’re ‘going through it.’
Welcome to real life.
My cloud has been looming since Memorial Day. I was sitting on my bunk and Z.Z. Top came on the radio. …“Cheap Sunglasses.”
I closed my eyes and was riding down a country road on my Harley, kicked back, smelling flowers. The song ended, and when reality came back it hit me in the face like a Mac truck.
I am not free. I am not riding my Harley through a flower patch. The sun is not shining. I got no mail last week. My phone privileges are restricted and I have no money on canteen. I had a few sheets of paper to write on, but as of now, not even an envelope to mail this with.
Seems like it’s been one thing after another. If you’re having a good day, read this some other time.
Today, life sucks. Don’t let it soil your day, but the life of J.J. is not always peachy. I preach all about ‘keeping it real,’ yet it seems I only write for laughs.
Well, right now there’s a cloud over my head and I want to go to bed until further notice.
I’m usually the guy who sees the glass as half-full, rather than nearly empty. Right now I wish it was half-full of Jack.
Mom and I have coffee on Saturday mornings, we try and fix problems. I hate to tell my mom I have problems because then she wants to fix me. I constantly remind myself that I can’t change anything out there, so don’t sweat it. The same goes for my mom. She can’t hug me, hold me, put her hand on mine and tell me it will be OK. This is why prison sucks. My family and anyone who loves me is doing this time with me. When I hurt, they hurt. I know this. That’s why I keep all this shit to myself. My family means that much to me and I don’t want them to cry for me. I can carry this burden myself, I don’t need any help.
Can the people I have hurt in my life get some peace from that? Can I at least comfort myself with that? All the hurt, pain, and tears I have caused others – am I paying back a debt to society? …Or are you still out there, judging me, pointing fingers?
This life isn’t funny. Nothing about prison is cool. I refuse to give up, always telling myself this will one day make me a more loving, caring man. Plenty of others before me gave up. I’m not the only one who feels like this. Just let me talk it out. I refuse to end up like the others.
Steven took the laces out of his boots and made a noose. While we were all at chow, he was hanging himself from his bunk post. John cut both his wrists and bled to death while everyone was on the rec. yard. Nobody should see this shit.
Have I painted some rosy picture of what life back here is like? Does it only look like we’re having a blast – always laughing? Do the people I’ve hurt in my lifetime really wonder if I’m paying a price for my sins?
Have I painted some rosy picture of what life back here is like? Does it only look like we’re having a blast – always laughing? Do the people I’ve hurt in my lifetime really wonder if I’m paying a price for my sins?
I’m sorry if my dark cloud just rained on your sunny day.
Then again, maybe somebody is reading this that needed to see this perspective. Maybe you don’t like me and think I got off easy. Maybe you read J.J. and are offended that a criminal has so many laughs in a day. That’s not the case. I just don’t tell you about those days.
To the people who no longer call me a friend, to all the ones who hauled ass when shit hit the fan, tonight I'll pray for you as I pray for myself.
Dear God, if you can hear me now, take the pain, make it all go away. Please let tomorrow be a sunny day.”
Copyright M.S. 2011, all rights reserved.
SCOTTIE SAYS:
I just read something J.J. wrote before he sent it off to be posted and it made me think. Many times when J.J. writes something, I get to read it and let him know what I think. This time I‘ll allow you in on this.
I’m sure you’ve read “Horseplay” and either laughed, thought it was stupid or silly, or maybe you were like, ‘These guys aren’t serving real time…they’re just playing around like it’s summer camp.’
Well, this last piece Mike wrote, “Dark Days,” is right on the money. This place sucks. Not in the loose definition of the word, but in the all-encompassing form of the word. At times, it absolutely hurts, it demeans, it laughs at you. That’s why we try to lighten it up for each other with bullshit.
I’m going through some of the very same things as J.J. when it comes to actual time. All of our family and friends – shit, even some people I don’t know, but who know my family – are doing this time with me. And I’m the same as J.J. on not burdening them with everything we actually go through back here. When we write, call home (when we can), or visit, we don’t want to taint that time with the dark, twisted and really shitty stuff that goes on back here. We keep it light, fun, full of smiles and good times. When we do interact with the outside, it takes us away from this crap. Those sacred 15-minute phone calls, those 2-or more-page letters, the ‘Thinking of You’ cards, the 6-hour visit, the one-liner comments you post on J.J. – all of this helps in more ways than you know. I’m not saying you need to do more of these things, I’m just relaying to you how much they mean to us and the importance those small gestures have in our everyday prison lives.
I know that just about everyone on J.J. and in the free world has heard the saying, “Same shit, different day.” That’s how it is here – we wear the same clothes 24/7, 365, we eat a weekly rotation of the same food, we wake up and go to sleep exactly the same time every day, we have phone and TV between 5 p.m. and 10 p.m., rec. the same time (if they allow us to go outside), etc. It’s never changing ...except what a guard may call you - inmate, dumbass, low-life, scumbag - or when someone else is having a shitty day and picks a fight or hurts themselves. Or maybe when they shake us down and take all of our personal belongings (pictures, letters, magazines, and such), tear it all up, throw it on the floor, kick it around, dump it all over your bed and treat it like trash….
What I’m saying is this: We do not have it easy, we don’t have a number of choices for what we’d like to do today, we don’t even have the liberty to just take a break from it all. We are here. This is prison.
J.J. made me think about that in the post I just read. The real prison.
Anyway, some days we get by and it’s bearable, other days it just kicks the shit out of you. J.J. is having one of those days. Thankfully, when I have one, J.J. is there for me. Today, I’ll try to be there for him. It’s days like these, dark days, when your local felon needs the most support.
-Scottie.
9 comments:
I can relate to what is being said in this post. I have served time nothing compared to these guys... but im still a felon that needs support. J.J. is my big brother and i can vouch for him... Dark days suck ive been free for about 9 months now and still i am faced with dark days... the difference is when our on the outs you can talk to people or spend time alone whatever it is that you do when you start to feel down for me its mother nature that helps me out when im feeling down. Behind bars, fences, and block walls you arent able to cope with lifes shit sandwich so easily. for me when i was feeling down its when i got fucked with the most. i'm not a big guy so i was normally a pretty easy target. anything to remind you of home or that you have people out there that care about you is a tremendous help. getting your name called when the mail rolls around makes you forget about being locked in that cage... even if its just for an instant its a huge relief. I haven't written my brother in quite some time now and i always come up with an excuse... im too busy... dont have time... ill do it tomorrow, truth is its still not getting done. I know when i was down how much letters or a card anything to know that i hadnt been forgotten meant to me and i was only down for a short amount of time. I guess maybe its time for me to tighten up and take a night off of drinking, kickin it with my homies, or going out trailing and show my local felon that i actually support him...
-Phillip
YES! You SHOULD take the night off drinking and write your brother! Even if it's bullshit.... I just tell him every damn thing that crosses my mind. Poor guy hears about my job, my shopping experiences, my weight fluctuation... whatevs.
I love you Spud. We both do. I know Mike gets to talk to you on the phone, but I also know he will love to get some mail from you. This piece made me feel really bad, but it's shit that needs to be said, and almost anybody can relate in some way. I love you, brother. Thank you for your thoughtful comment :)
I have a close friend that I lost contact with 17 yrs ago. He says he thought of me when he was in and wished he would have heard from me. I had no idea he was doing time (actually thought he may be dead.) He does not talk about it very much but reading your post helps me understand what he went thru. Like you said he has became a more loving and caring man. Thank you for your post, they help people in more ways then you can know.
I can only try to imagine what it must be like. I am so sorry for the dark days. I think they are probably inevitable. I think about your lonely nights, the horrible repetitive food, never having privacy or even being ably to play an instrument. Since i started being an avid follower of this blog I took quite alot of things for granted. Sitting on the beach and watching the waves roll in was so casual and readily available that I didn't stop to think of what life would be like if I couldn't do that. Now when I sit on the beach and look out over the ocean, I close my eyes and think of you. Praying for you and your sound strong mind to stay focused on the prize. The prize of freedom. The prize of love and forgiveness. Now when I grudgingly wash the bugs off my car I stop and thank God that I have a car to wash bugs off of. That if i'm having a rough day I can drive some place quiet and rid myself of the stress. Thanks to you I no longer take these things for granted. Yes we do your time with you, but you have also given us a priceless insight to our lives that when you do return to us, we will be more loving and caring also. Yes you are paying your debt and yes there will always be haters, but know that once its paid. its Paid! God has forgiven you and so should everyone else. If they cant, its then their burden to carry, not yours. There is going to come a day when you walk out of there, no more loneliness, no more shitty food, and no more dark days. We will be waiting eagerly with open arms to celebrate your freedom. Stay strong my lovely felon. Always in my heart.
P.S Thank you Scott for being there as a brother to him. He's in the thick of it and without you guys, he'd have such a harder time. I love the insight you've given in this post. You are the shit bro. Stay strong and stay true.
Your friend, ~A~
Oh how I wish there were no days that "kick the shit out of you." Life is really tough and actually just sucks sometimes, both inside and out. One of the huge differences being, your dark days are spent behind bars without the loving arms of family or friends to comfort you. I wish all those that love you could give you huge hug right now, myself included.
Not everyone has the strength and the courage to be so real about ... well, about the real stuff. God bless you for doing so as I'm certain others are listening and learning. JJ's girl even spoke to that in her comment. While it may not be much of a consolation on those days that "kick the shit out of you," please know you're making a positive difference in more lives than just your own with this blog.
Also, I would be willing to bet your family, certainly your mother, would be more than willing to share this burden with you. That is what family and loved ones do. You ought never feel you must do this all on your own. At least I don't think so.
I'm so sorry you hurt. I'm so sorry you cry. But even during those deepest darkest times, as you say, you must never give up. I pray you are blessed with the strength and the courage to never give up, no matter what. I pray the same for Scottie. My heart aches for the families and loved ones of those who did. Each of those shitty dark days takes you one day closer to freedom and the loving arms of your family and friends.
Sending you love and hugs from Cali. One day it will be in person.
Took me awhile to be able to post on this. Michael told me about this after he was through it. I could tell when we talked that he was down in the dumps but he still tried to put a front on for me. He wants me to tell him the "crap" going on out here with loved ones so he can pray. He doesn't want to not know--he insists. Then keeps quiet when he needs our prayers. I am so thankful he has Scottie--a hand on his shoulder when he needs it; kind and encouraging words when he needs it. Thank you Scottie. But Michael, LET US KNOW. I promise I won't cry myself to sleep--I will pray and keep my heart open for how I can encourage you. Thank you for having told me about this and for sharing it with JJ readers. I know it wasn't easy---but prison isn't easy despite the funny stories you share.
Much Love to my Son, to Scottie, to all of you who read this stuff and of course---to Queen Ester.
The MOM
Michael, Michael, Michael-
I feel horrible and cheered up at the same time. How do you do that? I feel horrible for how distant I have been. Having you on my mind isn't enough. You can't know that unless I tell you.
i feel cheered up because i woke up to a dark day. i thought the last few weeks had been pretty dark, but today made them seem like a light shade of grey. maybe that's why i even decided to start reading your blog today. i was feeling pretty alone and then i read this. i am a hypocrite. i am deeply disappointed in our society for our lack of appreciation and here i'm doing it myself. thank you for the wake up call!
oh and p.s.
way to impact so many people in the world from where you are. that's talent you can't learn.
and p.s.s.
although the J.J.'s girl name thing is weird to me, she sounds like a pretty cool chick. just don't forget we're all psycho at heart. (me especially). hahaha! ok, i'm really talking about myself here so i don't offend people, i will explain further.) I have always been very possessive of my brothers, to the point that it created some rather conflicting situations (to sound as professional as i can about it.) Do I need to remind anyone of Aaron Deckard's wedding? That said, those are my brothers. now try to imagine being my boyfriend. Yeeeeaaahh. so michael, as much as you may hate george, can you imagine what shit he dealt with from me? you only hear my side, so cut him a break. we smith's are all a little crazy. we all admit that right? shit, i need to stop before i offend more people.
peace (if that's possible)
Thanks Michael, Scott has been asking me to read this post for sometime now, it has been hard, knowing that each of you go through these "dark days". I just want to believe life back there is a little ok, not crappy, but I'm not that blind. My heart hurts for you Mike and obviously for Scott, so many times I wish the "system" would sit down with each inmate and rate/score how much they have improved since they have been in and let the GOOD ones go, I know you and Scott would have been out along time ago. One day you will both be home and hugs and laughter will be "sunny days" for all of us serving time. Be happy when you can...
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