Ester's intro: This piece is lighthearted and pretty "normal" for any large group of guys, as far as I know. If you're in the military, live in barracks, have been deployed, or have been in a fraternity, this might all sound familiar. If you're a woman, here's one more reason to roll your eyes at the neanderthal which remains in men everywhere.
(I never thought about the fact that 'velveteen leopard-print mini-dress'
is synonymous with caveman fashion. Go figure!)
"Often times over the past three years I have been down, my mom has asked me this question: “Son, tell me what it’s really like back there.
Well, are you ready to hear the really crazy shit I don’t usually write about? Sure you are!
You’ve all met Scottie. Well, yesterday he passed out at like 2 p.m., laid out on his bunk with no shirt on. We all stood around looking at him, wondering who would be the first to pounce. It wasn’t long and a guy comes over with “Icy Hot” and puts a drop on each one of Scottie’s nipples. That didn’t take long before Scottie sat up, pissed, looking for the guilty party.
Wouldn’t you know - the guy who did it points to me… “He did it.” You see, we all play hard, but Scottie likes to think out his come-backs. It would do no good to try and deny I was involved. I became involved when I let the other guy put the icy-hot on Scott.
So that happened at 2 p.m. yesterday. That was on Scott’s mind all last night. At 5:30 a.m. today, when they turned the lights on for breakfast, everyone saw me and Scottie spooning. Very carefully, Scott had climbed into bed with me. Scott did it at just the right time so everyone saw it. Nice job Scott! Then, as he jumps up and acts like the lights ‘caught us by surprise,’ he yells, “He was moaning too!!” Nice Scott, I’ll give you that one.
Well, a few minutes ago I walk by Scott as he’s telling a joke. He has quite an audience, so I feel the need to take advantage of the situation. I ‘pants’ (also known as ‘de-pants-ing’) Scottie as he’s telling the joke. He actually has his hands full, so he can’t react right away to pull them back up. So he’s left standing in front of a bunch of dudes with his junk hanging out. Crazy part – he never missed a lick telling his joke – that’s my boy!
Trouble is what will he do to get me back?
Last time I was duped by Scottie, he ‘pants-ed’ me while I was brushing my teeth. There were about eight guys who saw that. You see, between the strip-searches, pat-downs, and shake-downs, being naked isn’t odd anymore. We have to up the ante now. That just means try and catch a guy while there is a big audience. The bigger, the better.
One advantage Scott has is he wakes up really early. I don’t. So I wake up, half asleep, making my bed, and hear Scott behind me say, “Hey, man, give me a hand with this!”
So I turn around to see what he needs…
There is Scottie, bent over, showing his bare ass to me as he’s touching his ankles. W.T.F.?!?!
Think that’s bad? Wait ‘til he shows you the “goat.” Let me explain: The goat is when you bend over, touch your ankles, but pull both the dick and balls out behind your legs. Then you pinch your legs together to hold it like that. So if you are the one looking at the goat, you see a bare ass, and dick and balls scrunched in below that. Do you get the picture?
Another problem we have here are the spiders. Spiders bite guys during the summer months. Well, if Scottie or H.A. ask you to look at their spider bite, don’t do it. What they do is pull the leg of their shorts up and let one ball hang out. Now one guy looks at that and turns in disgust. But another guy reaches out and smacks that one little ball. That’s how we play. So if you’re gonna be sick and play hard, be careful.
Our friend Lance is around for all our shit. However, he usually observes, rolls his eyes, and keeps a safe distance away from the action.
I get out of the shower naked and Scott smacks my bare ass as hard as he can and says, “Nice game.” I’m left with a red hand-print. H.A. whipped me in the nuts with a rolled up towel the other day. That shit nearly took my breath away. I almost cried. So I pull out the dick and tell him to sit on it. …To which he replies, “Put it in my hand.” I put it away and scrap that idea. None of us go that way, but playing that way provides hours of entertainment.
So when my friend Candy asked if any of us were homophobic? Nah – I would say absolutely not.
When life isn’t serious, and we have the opportunity to forget where we are for a moment, that’s priceless. At times, our group of 30+-year-old guys act like college kids in a frat-house. You may not understand this, but we are in an extreme situation here. It takes some extreme horseplay to get your mind out of here. There are a couple of us who try real hard to make that happen. You’ve met them – Lance, H.A. and Scott. Brothers from different mothers, my friends and yours too." J
Keepin’ it real,
J.J.Hey guys and girls, remember to enter before July 1 for the custom piece giveaway!
6 comments:
Is it at all disturbing that I have actually, in ALL honesty, witnessed similar behavior, including something much like "the goat," in my own home with my four boys? Hmm ... eh, what can I say ... that's how we roll at the Melin Manor. "Keepin' it real" is what we do. Be real or be gone, is what I always say. :)
Yeah, I didn't figure you were at all homophobic and actually I only mentioned that after the "Prison Sex" post as I heard you were concerned you might possibly offend. I assured you that I was fairly certain there wasn't anything you could say that would offend me, short of y'all being homophobic or racist.
Now that we are friends and know each other a bit better, I believe it is safe to say you are not at all homophobic or racist and I am not at all offended buy much. :)
And P.S. to Ester ... I am a woman and as I was reading I never rolled my eyes, but I did giggle quite a bit. Again, just not at all sure what this says about me. haha Apparently my boys have raised me well ... um, or not ... depending on ones point of view. lol :)
Ok, Scottie (and Mike), this is funny stuff...but as a mom, be careful or someone may get an eye poked out ;-) Horseplaying can do that you know. I enjoyed this piece, I always thought you guys were having too much fun in there. Take care!
Ester, I just wanted to say, as a publisher you pick excellent photos to go with the stories. Great job!!!
SweetMelin, it's not weird or gross that you think it's funny. I haven't seen THIS particular kind of Goat and that is totally OK with me!
Sherri G., thank you for your comments. I learned a little bit working on the Yearbook at my high school, and I figured it would help to add some photos for added interest. Whenever I see something in the writing that puts a visual in my mind, I have to try looking something up for added fun on the blog. Thanks again :)
Another interesting piece. Keep them coming.
yup you guys find a way to make it fun. even when it sucks
Post a Comment