I Huff & I Puff

"I was checking in with my sis the other day.  We were talking about the latest stuff posted on Jailbird.  I’m looking for your feedback.  What do you like – my art?  …The stories?

Right now it looks like my art gets the most attention.  That’s awesome!  I’ll keep the art coming.

They say “no news is good news.”  I suppose you all could be chanting, “You suck!”  Yeah, I guess it could be worse :)

But really – throw me a comment.  Do you get mad about what I write?  If you are a woman, I understand you might get angry by the things I talk about.  Maybe I could say just one thing in my defense.  There was a time when I picked my words carefully.  Everything I said was slick, a pick-up line, and basically an attempt to get into your pants.  Dare I say I have grown up a little?  Perhaps not.  However, I’m keeping it real.

I have a completely different approach to love, life, and the opposite sex today than I had not long ago.  Today I have a lot of respect for women.  You are not objects.  It’s been said that behind every good man stands a good woman (Ester adds: “Good” men let you stand beside them, not behind them, but carry on…).”  A good woman can keep a man grounded.

At this time in my life, I would feel honored to have a good woman who had my back.  Unfortunately, after a good woman reads the shit I have to say, she will probably make record speed in the opposite direction.

I don’t figure I piss any guys off.  Guys pat each other on the back when you reach male whore status.   Unfortunately, women don’t get the same treatment.  Personally, I don’t think that is right. 

Honestly, I am trying to tell myself to be careful about what I say.  I’m one of those guys who takes one step forward and five steps back, as if life is a country line dance.  Do we ever get graded on brownie points?  Do brown-nosers ever get ahead?  You know what?  Fuck it!  I’m just going to say what I have to say.

Looking back over my life, I have a few regrets.  Drugs would be number one.  My sex life would be number two.  Of all the things I’ve done, I’ve never joined the mile-high club.  Sex on the ground has been good to me.  …And in stairwells, elevators, parking garages, rooftops, beaches… ok, so the only thing I didn’t join was the mile-high club.  Poor me.  I did meet a lady on a plane then slept with her a month later.  Does that count?

My regrets would be all the sex I had during a relationship.  Let me rephrase that.  All the sex I had with other people during that relationship.  A relationship with a lot of sex is great.  If you’re having relations with everyone but your partner, that’s fucked up.  No one deserves that.  Be single if that’s how you want to live.   

That’s where I’ve messed up so many times.

To the guys who read my shit: No, the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence!  Take this wisdom from a man who has jumped more fences than a billy-goat.  One day someone comes along and cuts the billy-goat’s nuts off.  Ouch!  Then your fence-jumping days are over.  Wow, that sounds like a wedding joke!  …Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

I don’t agree with being ‘content.’  Well, perhaps I could be ‘content’ to stay inside on a rainy day.  Or ‘content’ to have a Bud light instead of a Michelob light.  I never want to just be ‘content’ with a partner.  So fellas, when you find that rare patch of green grass, put a fence around it, water it, weed it, keep it green and know you have the best.  Never jump the fence!

You’re thinking, ‘What the fuck did he just say?’  Hey, you’re the dumbass reading this shit!  A marriage counselor gets what - $100 an hour?  This advice is free!  I know, now you’re thinking, ‘I’m not about to take marriage counseling from this ass.’"

 (Neither Norman Rockwell or any of his associates or offspring officially approve of this message).