"I was recently reconnected with a childhood friend. She wrote me to tell me she is now happily married and expecting her first child. She went on to tell me she had been on J.J. reading about my life.
In her letter, she asked me a few questions, but one really stuck out. “As someone about to become a parent, I’m interested in knowing how to create a sense in my child that some rules are in place as a way to protect us, rather than control us.”
I have often marveled that we can send people into space, create weapons of mass destruction, but no one can figure out the formula for flawless parenting. Personally, I feel the Bible itself probably comes closest to any manual you should even consider trying to live by.
Now hold on. There’s no pulpit anywhere near me. It’s not Sunday, and I’m not about to preach. Go to your local church for that, or e-mail the ‘Probable Preacher.’
Often times I try to make you think. Well, my friend made me think.
I grew up in a conservative Christian home. Many times over the years, I have rebelled against the way I was raised. At times it was a little over the top. To this day, I cringe when I hear, “thou shalt not!” Then again, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today if I had paid more attention during church. …But there was that cute girl who sat two pews in front of me, and a tic-tac-toe game to play with my brother.
God bless my Moma. She never gave up, and I gave her plenty of reasons to. That in itself has probably affected me the most over my life; the love of a mother for her children. It would very closely resemble the love that God has for each of us. No matter what we do, it seems impossible to fall from their grace. I think that a good mother teaches her children the love of God through her actions than any manual could ever teach.
Jeez, I got a smile on my face and a tear rolling down my cheek. The tear would be because this is serious stuff we’re talking about. Probably 80% of J.J. readers are female, and a large number of you have kids. I could have wrote my friend back a letter, then again, as a parent, do you ever question yourself? Do you wonder if you are a good parent?
I’m not a Mom. I don’t know what runs through you ladies’ heads. However, after toting that little one around for 9 months, you’re not gonna want to one day give up on them. Am I right?"
"Ha! The smile on my face is because this conversation is probably tripping you out. The stuff we talk about on J.J. We’re doing this because I have a heart and I care. My friend asked me a question that I realized a lot of you mothers probably ask yourself.
I want you to laugh, but at the end of the day, I’m still a man who broke the law and is now doing a prison sentence.
Dr. Phil has a degree to do what he does. I just have a life-time of real life experiences. I’m already here, but maybe I could share some ways I think you could spare your child from my life. So as we all laugh about the bull-shit I’ve put myself through, please take something away from this that is deeper than only laughter.
If you are, or ever plan to be a mother, pour your heart into your child. Don’t stop when they hit their teens and you think they hate you. That’s when your love counts the most.
Whether you try to use a Christian approach, or just love unconditionally, you are showing the very love of God. Let me tell all you mommies this. There will come a day when you can’t hold that child. Maybe they are states away at a college, maybe they are fighting for our country, or maybe they are locked in a prison cell. That love you showed will always be there to comfort and to hold them.
In answer to your question, Alicia, love is the answer. In answer to your next question: Yes, our perceptions of our earthly parents do color our perception of what God must be like.
On a lighter note, you’re now taking advice from J.J.? OH MY!
6 comments:
Beautiful picture of Jamie I have known her for a very long time.
JJ, this moved me so. You are a wise, thoughtful, caring and loving man; all of which is a testament to your momma and her unconditional love and her never giving up. I would agree with and second your statement ... God bless your momma.
I would also add that you clearly paid a lot more attention in church than you realize, or possibly care to admit. haha And you clearly paid attention to the lessons your mother was teaching and living, this I know for sure. I believe this to be true, otherwise you would not be able to have imparted such a heartfelt, thoughtful and insightful piece of advice to your childhood friend.
God's children make mistakes, we mess up and sometimes we even fuck it all up in a big way. The difference in those that paid a bit of attention to their God and their momma along the way is that they take their huge fuck up and learn from it. They are humbled by it. They do their best to learn and grow from it, and better yet, pass along what they have learned in hopes of helping others and sparing others their pain. They also move forward in a manner becoming of the cherished child they are, both of God and their momma. I would say the preceding pretty much has your name written all over it. Yeah, you were listening and learning, no doubt about it.
Mommas love with our entire heart and soul, no matter what. We never give up, no matter what. We remain full of grace, no matter what. We cling to hope, no matter what. We do all of this for our children, EVEN if we have NOT had the privilege of "toting that little one around for 9 months," and even if we have, on occasion, been told we ought not. We do all of this because that is what God has done with us. I certainly cannot speak for others, but this is what I believe and I'm fairly certain many, if not most, other mothers do as well.
Please keep sharing all that you have learned, JJ, because we are now listening and learning. That is the gift of your incarceration. Yeah I know, that possibly sounds ridiculous and I certainly hope no one takes it the wrong way. I am not for a moment making light of the living hell that is your current life. (Especially given this entry is following your, "Dark Days" entry. And I"m not gonna lie, I heeded Ester's warning and since I was not having a great week, I have not yet read that entry. Point being, I desperately do not want to sound insensitive and sincerely I apologize if I do. Possibly I can explain.) Having said that, I do believe there is a gift in just about every situation if we are only willing to see it.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 40 and subsequently had a bi-lateral mastectomy. The immediate gifts of my cancer diagnosis were that it was the earliest stage possible and totally curable. Also, during this time I learned things about myself that I would never have had the privilege of learning otherwise. I was given a perspective on life I would never have otherwise had the privilege of knowing. I came out the other side a wiser, stronger and more humbled woman, daughter, wife and mother. (I'm thinking your sister and mother can relate to much of this.) Just recently the gift of my diagnosis kept giving as I was able to support a dear friend though her breast cancer journey. I was able to bless her with all that I had learned in hopes it would help her and ease her journey. She is now cancer free and a changed woman and one day she too will pass along the gift of her diagnosis, I'm sure of it.
I truly believe this blog is your way of passing along the gift of your incarceration. You are able to bless us with what you have discovered and learned and in turn, many of us will be able to bless others with our JJ knowledge at some point along the way.
Yep, you were most definitely listening and paying attention. I love you and I love your momma and I adore your sissy. xo
Sorry for going on and on ... this entry just touched me on several different levels for several different reasons.
P.S. Congratulations on being a new (or soon to be) mommy, Alicia. You've blessed our world with a brand new little soul, what a privilege. Might I just share as a mother of four ... there are things that our children never fully understand, and may even resist, until they are older and so far past the time when we were so desperately wanting them to understand. But as JJ just said, love will get you through as it always seems to find a way. Best wishes with parenthood. :D
Thanks for the post J.J. Little Noah is here as of June 10th and taking all the love I can pour into him, although he doesn't recognize it as such yet. I will reply to your last letter as soon as I can, but I'm thick in the middle of "baby boot camp" right now and it might take some time :)
Blessings!
Alicia
I love this! I love that you have so many ways to reach out to so many different people. You have a good, good heart!!
There was a time when I was judgemental. Then I lost a dear niece in an auto accident and the last words I spoke to her were critical. Coupled with the grief of loss was the shame and regret I had when I would think of my last conversation with her. I loved her dearly but felt it "necessary" to speak critically. No more. I made the decision that someone else would have to do that; not this woman ever again. "Love covers a multitude of sins." I have many sins and pray that I have enough love to cover mine and others.
My son....I love you immensely.
Alicia---Blessings upon Baby Noah!!!
The MOM
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