Positive Thinking Meets J.J.'s Sarcasm

“I was just sitting here, listening to some good ol' country music.

The singer just said, "If heaven wasn't so far away, I'd pack up the kids and go for the day."

 

Wouldn't that be nice?

...And if the bar wasn't on the other side of the fence, I'd go for a drink.  Yes, sir.

The other day, a friend gave me a self-help book.  …Something about the good effects of positive thinking. One of the things I read was about problems in your life.  They may seem 'bad' or 'big.'  The book said to remind yourself these are "small things in the eyes of a giant."

Come on, man - what the fuck?

First thing that came to mind, was we aren't giants, so how is that supposed to help me?

Now I have heard 'take one day at a time,' but have you heard this one?  "Life by the inch is a cinch, but life by the yard is hard."

Again - W.T.F.??

 

Is this all it takes to write a book?  My buddies and I used to sit back and do some bong hits, then for our own entertainment, we would come up with these one-liners.  It never crossed my mind to write a self-help book.  We could all be rich!

Imagine that!

“...A friend with weed is a friend indeed."  Then again, when you're stoned, you tend to forget shit.  Like... what was the problem anyway?  Have you ever seen a stoner really stressin' some problem?  I didn't think so!  Give a stoner a Mt. Dew and a bag of Doritos and there's no problem at all!

(uhhh... I Googled "stoner food" and this is what caught my eye.  

If it makes me a stoner just 'cause I had to catch the drool before it hit my laptop, so be it.)

However, there are plenty of people who don't smoke weed.  Thankfully, there is some guy writing these self-help books for them.  Just ask Charlie Sheen.  

 (It's all just really sad, isn't it?)

...All you have to do is visualize it, and it's yours.  Here, let's try it... All together now, let's think about WINNING!  Did it work?  Maybe you didn't visualize it hard enough.  Then again, what exactly is Charlie winning, anyway?  Looks like Ashton Kutcher is the one winning!

 (Mmmm hmmm...)

I don't know.  Sometimes I visualize being free again.  That turns out to be a real let-down.  However, if I visualize a nice piece of ass, it always helps me get off quicker.  Well, well - perhaps these things DO work!

...Speaking of visualizing things....  I'm taking yoga class now.  Perhaps you know where I'm going with this. Have you seen some of those yoga positions?  Holy mother!  Now, of course, my whole class is a bunch of dudes.

I have decided yoga is definitely something I plan to pursue on the street.  I'll set my mat up at the back of the class.

 

I'm sorry, a guy needs goals in his life... right?  Not too often you see people who can put their legs behind their ears.

One of my buddies came by and read what I wrote so far.  He threw out a comment of his own: "The negativity that we endure can become the fuel that drives us."  Why, thank you Stanley.  Did you know you have a vacuum named after you?  I believe it's called the Stanley steamer.  Just like you, it's full of a lot of hot air.  Naw, I'm just playin' man.  Thank you for your positive thoughts :)  ...Seems there is also a whole line of power tools named Stanley too, and we all know what a tool you are.  

Mmm... "Fat Max" is right...

...No, that thing between your legs is hardly a tool, silly.  Since this is all about 'positive thinking,' let's move on and get off poor Stanley.

I've already had far too much fun with this whole positive thinking thing.  To me, laughter will continue to be one of the best medicines ever.  However, I am always open to your suggestions.

On that note, I will leave you with a couple of the quotes taken from the 2010 Handbook for Positive Thinking.

1. Life is a school and you are here to learn.  Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like Algebra class... but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime!

2. Take a 10-30-minute walk daily, and while you walk, SMILE! :)

3. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a beggar.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously!  Nobody else does!

5. Dream more while you're awake.

6.  What other people think of you is none of your business... forgive everyone for everything!

7.  Your inner-most is always happy, so be happy!!

...Always remember...

8.  The best is yet to come.

9.  When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!

...Thank you!  Thank you!!  Please come again.  Next show tomorrow at 7.  Tip your waiter!!  :)

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