Keep It Real

“Hello again J.J. Crew!  Seems you are a rowdy bunch :)

I called home last night and was able to speak to my youngest brother.  He signed on to J.J. to give me a quick update over the phone.  The last piece Ester had ran was Heart 2 Heart.  Spud says, “Quit apologizing, Mike!”  He read to me Erica’s comment and a few others.  Then he said, “Your shit is just fine!  That’s why we read it!”  Well, thanks!  So I can feel free to be myself?  Sweet!!

By the way, to those of you paying attention, my sister Grace wrote me back.  Her letter arrived just about 5 days after we faced her (Ester would post a link, but an executive decision was made to take down the post because of good, old-fashioned Christian guilt - works 70% of the time EVERY TIME!).  That means she read that post, wrote “FUCK YOU MIKE” on a piece of paper, and mailed it out the next day.

No, I’m just playing.  Her “Fuck you” was more subtle.  What she said was, “At least I’m getting some.”  Nice, Grace!  That was a low blow.  However, then she goes even lower.  Yeah… “Unless you’re getting some of that good prison sex you talk about.”  Silly wabbit!  You should know… dicks are for chicks!

OK, OK!  I know… not everyone reading agrees with that.  Before you start hatin’ on me, work with me here.  I’m not dissing on that.  I love me some gay people.  You all count as hits too!

So I do what I can.  I’m learning to give good phone.  Well, what would you call it?  What’s it called when you write it out on paper?  …Paper passion, paper-porn, how about letter-love?  (Ester adds: It’s called “Literotica,” brother…just don’t google it).  The thing that gets me is that someone in our mail room reads all that before it’s even sent out.  So before that ‘dirty’ letter reaches the outside, some man or woman has read it.  Yeah, “A,” did you ever consider that?  That means all that stuff I write you has been read at least once before you get it.  Remember that last one I sent?  Yeah – THAT one – I wouldn’t doubt if they passed it around the mail room and let everyone read it.  We may have had a threesome and never even knew it!  Crazy.  That may explain why those letters seem to take a couple extra days to reach you.  That doesn’t count as ‘cheating,’ right?

Allow me to get back to the subject here….  A while back I drew a picture of me and my tats – Got Ink? – Gracie’s next question is, “Are you really that big, or did you enhance yourself?”

No, Gracie, I’m really that size.  And I’m small compared to most of these guys.  …Medium, at best.  The uniforms they give us to wear are like trash bags.  You really can’t tell a dude’s size in these outfits.  That’s why you don’t just go around prison talking shit.  You can’t size a dude up when they are dressed – and our gay readers just loved that one… yup, just walked straight into that one – anyway, yeah – that’s my size because I work out 5 days a week, two hours a day, and for nearly 2.5 years now.

Gracie, I love you.  We’re cool, right? 

You know, it’s hard to get protein in prison.  They don’t feed us any – you have to buy it off the canteen.  For the past year, I have been eating a huge peanut butter sandwich every day for protein.  About a month ago, I changed it up and went to tuna fish.  I guess it’s the fish oil.  I thought that stuff was supposed to be really good for you.  All I see is I’m now breaking out in zits.  For real.  I’m 32 years old.  Those of you who knew me in high school, I was the fat kid with zits.  I’m having flash-backs!  For real, I woke up yesterday and had a land-mine in the center of my forehead.  No, I couldn’t resist, and I began fucking with it.  Yes, that made it even bigger.  It really did bring back the dreaded days of puberty and high school.*   

Scottie didn’t help things either.  Asshole! 

“Hey Mike, what’s that thing on your forehead?  …Has it declared independence?  …Looks like it needs its own zip code!”

So I’m gonna give the tuna fish another week or so and see if my body adjusts."

 (Photo borrowed from iGadget Life.  And hey guys and girls! Helpful hint of the day!  Don't Google "Zits."  Just don't...)

"Yes, I have jumped all over the board with this update.  That’s how my mind works.  ‘Blame it on my A.D.D.’  There’s a new rock song out, and that’s the hook.  I laugh every time I hear it. 

Thanks for letting me be me.  I encourage you to be YOU.  It’s the best way to live life.

Til next time!”

J.J.

*Note from Ester: Gonna have to mail Mike a copy of his high school yearbook so he can see how awkward and geeky and zitty everyone seemed to be back then... 


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