Matters of the Heart

"Since coming to prison, I read books.  A LOT of books.

The other day, Scottie gave me a book, Stephanie Meyer's Twilight.  This book is not my normal reading material.  It’s a love story with a bite!

Have we all seen these movies?  ...2 hours of intense stares and panting...

The girl, Bella, is totally in awe of Edward.  It could be love, but she is clearly smitten by him.  It’s sweet and made me think.

To this day, I can’t honestly say I have ever been ‘smitten’ by a woman.  I have loved, but not to the degree that I melted.  In other words, fully and completely surrendered my heart to someone.  Is that the difference between love and head-over-heels in love?

On the street, I was absorbed by an all-consuming addiction to drugs.  I wouldn’t allow anyone to come between me and being high.  I really went through hell to become the man who sits here today.  Being locked up, I am unable to have a physical relationship with a woman.  The relationship I have is on paper.  My girl reads about all of my failures in life much like you all do, on J.J.

I’m rambling for sure, but my nature is trying to understand things.  When it breaks, I want to fix it.

However, there are many things I don’t understand.  Like women, and matters of the heart – they confuse me.

At some point, we’ve all been in a relationship that felt like ‘the one,’ only to find out that over time, two hearts have grown apart.  Back here I realize how helpless I am to reach the world out there - In a physical sense, of course.  …Which at times makes me wonder: How long can someone hold on to the idea of two people being together when there is no physical contact?  People grow apart every day and they live together!  These are the things that eat at me.  For this reason, having relationships through the fence is truly bitchin! J

I know for sure when I get out, I’m opening a tattoo and art studio.  Then I’m buying a Harley.  These are things I am certain of because they are not matters of the heart.  They are special interests of mine.  Then again, a woman is too!  I love falling asleep next to a woman, waking up, eating breakfast and planning the day.

I guess I am kind of weird.  When I was married, I was a dog.  My wife became a comfort blanket.  I knew she would be home when I got there.  …Whenever I got there.  Seems like when I have a ‘live-in’ woman, it works better for us both.  First, I’m faithful.  There is no ring and it feels like it could end at any time.  Just pack a bag and walk away.  Yet, in this “freedom,” I choose to stay and work at it.

Women are different, I get that.  Maybe you want that security.  My mother didn’t raise me this way.  She wouldn’t be impressed with my take on this.  Then again, Mom surprises me sometimes.  She is very wise and understanding.  What works for one isn’t right for another.

Personally, I like waking up, rolling over, looking at that woman next to me, and choosing her all over again.  She may never even know the things that run through my mind, but I do.  Is that love?  …Watching her sleep softly and realizing there is nowhere you would rather be than right there next to her?

Three years ago, I woke up next to a woman.  I looked at her sleeping and kissed her cheek, then headed off to court, not knowing then that I would never wake up next to her again.  Maybe I would have held onto the moment a little longer.  Not because love was involved – what we had was nice and comfortable, peaceful and honest.  It felt right at that time in my life.

I broke her heart that day.  Looking back, I felt something too.  Maybe it was the realization that she was free to go.  Realizing she would move on and my life would go on pause.  Then again, maybe it wasn’t pause at all.  Maybe my life started that day."