J.J. Issues A Challenge

This post came in on January 30, 2011.  Michael had a few comments sent his way about how long his posts were, and he attempted to throw a few shorter pieces my way.  For some of you who are use to the longer posts (especially after the "My Life" series), this might seem really short.  However, Mike and I are always open to suggestions, and this one was meant for those who want to read, but have to be out the door and on the way to work in 2.5 seconds :)  ...Or for me to easily type up in the half-hour I have before I need to get ready for work.  Enjoy!

"I hate resolutions, don’t you?  This year I said screw it and made none.  Well, other than the usual, ‘Don’t get stabbed in the back, stay alive, and talk tons of shit on Jailbird.’

A few times I said to myself, “Self, today is the day we quit using drugs.”  This happened when I ran out of drugs, and as soon as I had more, that was out the window.

My boss would threaten to fire me for being late, and I would resolve to be on time.  Ha ha - yeah right!  For the life of me, I cannot be to work on time.  Even if I’m there on time, my favorite song comes on the radio and I have to hear it.  The phone rings and I start chatting.  Technically, I’m ‘there,’ but I’m in the parking lot, fucking around in my car.

Honestly, I hate work.  Don’t you?  Seriously, if you like your job, tell me what you do.

Note: if you are a bouncer at a topless bar or the manager of Hooters, you don’t count!  Don’t even mess with us normal people.  No, I want to hear from the dude who flips burgers, the chick who waits tables, or the guy who cleans sewers – and likes your job.  I’m challenging you.  Tell me what you do.  Remain anonymous - I don’t care.  If you like your job, and it’s a ‘real’ job, tell me what you do.  I’m curious to see if anyone even replies.

One quick story: There are some jobs that are cool, and I had one myself until I assed it up.

This company used a time-clock and required us to punch in at the start of a work day.  They were trying to weed out slackers like me who are late every day.  For every problem there is a solution.  Just find the guy who is always on time and have him swipe your card along with his.  Works like a charm.  I held this job a lot longer than I should have, thanks to the guy who punched me in.

My job was to fill canisters with Nitrous-Oxide for dentists and hospitals.  Some of you are probably shaking your heads already.  Nitrous-Oxide is referred to as laughing gas.  On the street we call it hippie crack, or Whippits.  Rave parties sell this gas by the balloon full.  You inhale, hold it, let it out, and see strobe-lights while swaying back and forth to the time of ‘whump, whump, whump’ – that only you can hear.  So here I am, getting paid $16 an hour and all the gas I can huff.

Then it began to get out of hand.  This was in the mid-90s, when the rave scene was full-tilt.  All the guys I work with are in their early-20s and were partiers.  Dudes would try to steal these canisters because of their high street value.  Employees were searched coming in and going.  Your car is inspected before you leave the lot.  The lot at work is surrounded by a 20-foot fence, topped by barbed wire.

My motto has always been ‘For every problem, there is a solution.’  Well, I found the solution.  On our lot are fork lifts to load and unload tanks from the delivery trucks.

So here I am, standing on the forks, balancing a full canister on my foot.  The guy driving looks out for the security camera to scan past us.  Then he yells, “Now!  Now!” and I am shot 15 feet into the air while teetering on these forks and balancing a 200-lb. canister on my foot.  The shit we do!

I then have to heave the canister the other 3 or 4 feet over the top of the fence.  Mission nearly accomplished.  Now I just have to come back after dark and collect the canister.

My solutions to problems are not that good; and good solutions are seldom legal.  Look at where I am today.  Prime example!"