Reaching Out

"Please allow me to paint a picture for you.  It’s 1:30 a.m. April 9, 2011, and I can’t sleep.  No, I haven’t been out partying or hanging with my friends.  Tonight I am troubled.

I have been staring at the pictures that hang above my bunk, and tonight I am sad.  After tossing and turning, I decided to get up and do what I do.  Write.

Nearly everyone around me is asleep, but I can see just well enough to write this.  The guard tower shines a spot-light all night that comes through my window.  Usually it’s just enough for me to see my pictures.  Tonight it will be just enough for me to write.

I have many things on my mind, but when I break it down, it boils down to one.  Sometimes even I get caught up in my little world.  No, it’s not much, but working out, drawing, classes, and doing time sweeps me away.  Then something comes along that reminds me of my mission.  Tonight, my friend Corey is on my mind.  You see, it all went down like this:

Friday’s mail-call came at 4:30 p.m., and I was blessed with an update on J.J. – Ester is awesome, and knows what they mean to me.  I opened her package and tore through every page, reading all the special comments each of you left for me and Ester passes on in her updates.  I laughed.  All these people I barely know, reading the words I write from this very bunk.  And then I saw it.  A name.  A very dear friend of mine, leaving a comment.  I stopped on his comment and froze.  Something in my heart was touched.  The words were simple.  “…Missing you brother, need you more than you know.”

Well, my dear friend, I am here.  No matter the distance that separates, I heard the call.  For you my friend, I am now awake.  At nearly 2 a.m. Corey, I feel your pain.  From my heart, I want you to know you don’t carry your burden by yourself.  Now I’m getting teary-eyed.  That’s ok, nobody is awake to see. 

Ha – I’m sorry brother – in the midst of this, I had some crazy flash-back.  The last time I had you on my mind at 2 a.m., we were both drunk, peeing on a hedge in someone’s yard.  I have a feeling you may have just smiled at that.  It’s been three years since I last saw you, but you like to laugh.  Like me, you are the heart of a good time.

However, brother, some days it’s hard to laugh.  Even I need someone to lift my spirits.  Many times I find it is God himself that carries me through my lows.  Then there are times I know he places people in our lives.  Special people.

There’s a reason you left that message.  And a reason that what you said stood out to me more than anything else on that page.  These days I don’t drink, and I haven’t peed on any hedges lately.  So there’s a reason I’m up at, now, almost 2:30 a.m.  That reason is you.  I am here brother.  You said you needed me.  Did you realize how deeply you would touch me with those words?  Probably not.  But you did.  You need to know that.  Sometimes it sucks to realize you need something, but it’s really cool to know you are needed.

Just like you needed me, I need you.  Reach out when you need a hand.  I’m right here.  One day I’ll call on you.  They say “what are friends for?”  Well, Corey, this is what brothers are for.

Perhaps you have read H.A.’s piece?  My goal was to introduce you (my friends on J.J.) to the guys I do time with back here.  As H.A. said in his piece, J.J. helps me do my time.  I personally thank each and every one of you for that.  What seems like me ranting and like a Hustler magazine is actually me trying to reach out.  These days I have many brothers.  My brothers back here would fight to save my life.  They have.

There are a few guys from my past life out there, who I know have my back.  It’s a short list, but these are guys with huge hearts.  You have all read about my best friend from high school, Paulie.  With big smiles, I see many people on J.J. who went to RHS with us.  So perhaps you saw us roaming the halls – Angie, Brooke, Sabrina.

My friend Corey has a huge heart as well.  Honestly, he’s quite a bit younger than me, but he has still been the voice of reason in my life many times.  My heart breaks for Corey because only a couple months ago he lost his brother.  The very drugs that tried to claim my life robbed Corey of someone dear to his heart, his younger brother Chad.

Corey, not only are my arms reaching out to you, but today my goal is to let my life change a life.  I’m blessed to see that many on you get what I’m trying to do here. 

There was another comment left that simply said, “You’re making me think.”  Beautiful J  I am all smiles.  I want you to feel.  I want you to think.  Perhaps I can inspire you to reach out to someone in need.  Everyone has someone in their life who is hurting.  The things they do that frustrate you and piss you off are often cries for help.  Don’t let that go unnoticed.

Yet another comment stood out.  “Before reading J.J. I would have judged a person in this situation much differently than I do now.”

I thank you for your honesty.  That is one of the coolest parts to this project.  Yes, my sister types all this up for you to read.  However, these thoughts are hand-written by a prisoner.  A convicted felon who is currently doing a 12-year sentence.  The very light I used to see this paper came from a gun tower located outside my window.  This is a hard life, but so was the life I lived out there.  I suppose I could sit here quietly and try to only save myself.  Nah… that’s not even an option for me.  Corey, I love you brother.  You are not alone.  (P.S. And you owe me a letter little bro J  Tighten up!!)"