[An oldie, but a goodie. Ester found this post from July!]
Over the course of this blog, I have wrote very openly about my drug abuse, I do this in hopes that my story may help someone who is currently living the same struggle I lived. However, there are other reasons as well.
A recovering addict needs love and support...much support. You can’t make it alone. Perhaps you’re having a struggle in your own life. I’m talking to you right now. First you have to recognize the problem. Drugs are the most common, but alcohol, gambling, even sex are things that grab hold and are hard to be free from. Eating disorders, smoking… the list goes on and on.
I realize in my own life I have made big moves toward staying sober. First, I know I had a problem. Next, I went to my family, the people who love me, and asked for their support.
This project has become a huge part in my decision to remain free from drugs. Accountability. I look back over my life and realize that prison, in many ways, saved my life. Then, the J.J. project – not the ‘project’ as much as you. YEAH, you! Just as you are sitting there reading, you are quite honestly watching me. What’s this dude gonna say or do next? – this has become a major part in my choice to live a sober life.
Even if I manage to get clean on my own, if nobody else knows, then I’m really only letting myself down if I go back to my old life.
…And honestly, as an addict, you let yourself down all the time. …Because deep in your heart, you want to be free, but it hurts and you give in. That’s why if you really want to be free… tell someone.
There are drugs here. We get random drug tests back here because they know there are drugs here. I am still free. Since I was 15 years old I have smoked cigarettes. About two years ago, I decided to quit. It lasted for almost 3 months and I started back. I beat myself up, too. Part of me said "See, you’re not as strong as you thought." …And that right there pissed me off.
I realized I needed a reason. I needed to give my heart a good reason to help myself. Fourteen years ago this August, my daughter was born. I found the reason I needed in my little girl. On her birthday this year, I was one year smoke-free. You may not think that’s such a big deal. For me it is huge. You see, I have an addictive personality. I needed this. I needed to know I was stronger than my addiction.
I won’t lie, I didn’t even tell my daughter I quit until the 8th month. I was scared to fail again. When I told her, I wished I had done it earlier. Because I never want to let her down. I already have let her down enough. Now that I told her, it’s over. …Back to accountability.
For this very reason, I write stuff like this. Maybe it will encourage you if you’re having a hard time right now. But even more than that, you have become my reason to stay clean.
If you have a problem, tell somebody. Tell your mom, tell your dad, tell your spouse or your best friend. Find a church and tell a pastor. Tell someone who cares. I care. This project cares. Don’t feel like you stand alone. Find help, then take that hand and hold on for dear life.
My sister and I developed this thing in order to help people. It helps me all the time. I’ve said it before, but it’s on my heart again. Maybe you need a reason. Perhaps you are searching and you need an answer. Do you need some help?
Why did I sit down and write this today? Why was I awake at 2 a.m. to write ReachingOut? …Because of things I can’t see.
Ester and I had a conversation months ago. She said she likes to follow her heart. I love you sissy. You follow your heart and before long, you will know all too well about heartbreak. I’m a convict doing hard time. That’s why I follow my gut. It’s a built in safety device – a device that quite likely has saved my life.
But since I’m all about keeping it real, I can’t lie either. Sure, I try and sound like the tough guy, but you read The Answer is Love and you’ll know my heart is in this project. I’ve never met you, but I care about your life. I don’t care if you’re from my own backyard or from the outback. Black or white – I don’t see lines of any kind. Maybe you just need to know someone cares. I let my little girl be the reason for me. You need to find that reason for yourself.
Maybe you’ve burned your family one too many times and stumbled upon this blog. I questioned whether or not to write this. Maybe you’re wondering why you’re here, listening to me today. I don’t know if it was my heart or my gut. Maybe both inspired this. These days, I just go with it. Either way… I still have a good hand that reaches out. So does my sister. You are not alone.
If you are free, be thankful. If you want to be free, you can be. I get a lot done from bunk 113. And, I have time for you. We’re cool like that. Is there something you want to read about? Is there a topic you would like me to write about? Just leave a comment here. I will hear about it. I will sit on bunk 113 and write a new post.....a new post that might help you, a friend of yours, or a family member that you love. Just say the word.
As always, much love from The Hooligan
As always, much love from The Hooligan
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