Memorial Day Piece From J.J.

"I was scrolling through my pocket calendar and saw that Memorial Day was our next holiday.

When I was out there, Memorial Day was one of my favorites.  …Not that I needed a reason to drink beer, shoot guns, and call in sick on Monday.  That’s why this holiday is so cool – three days to drink, and you don’t have to pull the sick-day trick.

I gave this year some thought.  For obvious reasons, I will not be eating BBQ and drinking ice-cold beer.  So what can I do?

About that same time, I heard the news that Bin Laden had been shot and killed.  I thought, ‘One less shit-bag!  I know!  I’ll draw a picture!’

That settled it.  Now to figure out what to draw.  My first thought -  I’ll put Bin Laden on a camel, crossing the desert with a towel on his head.  What?  That’s the first thing that came to my mind.

Jokes aside, I’m not trying to piss off the Taliban or Al Queda or whoever the fuck they are.  Although I do have a little catch phrase for the former Bin Laden: “I used to be satanic, now I sleep in the Titanic.”

Hope you like seafood, bitch!

Ok, really – I’m done.

So I drew a picture.  Hope you like it…

I’m not going to waste my time on a whole piece of art about Bin Laden.  However, I feel honored to spend my time and much love on a piece of art for the men and women who serve our country.  This one is for you.  My hat if off and I give a bow to you for the risks you take to keep our country safe.

This piece is for those of you who currently serve, or are in the reserves.  You will also notice I show love to those who have passed away.  Much love to the families and loved ones of service men and women.  I know how it feels to be away from your family and loved ones – it sucks.

I tried my best to represent some of the weapons and machines used to keep the enemy under control.  I do apologize if anything is not accurate.

Then you’ll see I just went off and free-styled on the fill art, kind of like a look into our military vehicles on a hit of acid.  PLEASE NOTE: We do not condone using acid.  Don’t get me wrong… just enjoy the art and you won’t need drugs for anything. 

Much love to you friends!"

-J.J.

Copyright M.S. 2011

By Ester, Mike, & Scottie ("What'cha In For?")

Sometimes I take comments personally because I (Ester) am the first one to read them.  I wake up to get ready for work, and I check on the blog, and sometimes I read comments before my first cup of coffee.  We LOVE comments, and I love passing them on for Mike to put in his scrapbook (yes - he has a prison J.J. scrapbook).  And sometimes they get me thinking....  We know that most of communication is tone of voice, body language, emphasis on specific words, etc.  Without face to face contact, I cannot know how to take all comments.  Part of this intro (OK, anything written by me) may be a little over-reacting.  I feel particularly sensitive about certain things that come up, and I jump to defend.  When I don't know who left a comment, it makes me even more defensive.  If you are a close friend of mine and left this comment, please don't take all of this to heart, and e-mail me if you would like to talk further about it.  Otherwise, here is my overreaction, and the consequent reactions of our Jailbirds.    

So this was part of my last update to Mike (and yes, this is really how I write to him, only I edited out about 20 "f-words" for the sake of honoring our readers.  I cuss more than Mike does, and it's probably a fact).   

"Comment left on J.J.:

[in a letter to Mike:]  "I know we have already addressed it – these were my initial thoughts when I first read it though:  'Yep.  Somebody asked.'  Well, others have asked me, but they messaged me privately to ask.  Seeing this on the blog was a different feeling.  I don’t mind writing privately with people I know personally and could even call if I wanted to.

Anyway, now that you’re thinking about that, I want to say that I just spent an hour and a half thinking about that last comment.  I do my best thinking in the shower and while doing arts and crafts on my face (also known as putting on make-up).  So I was thinking about this for a little while, probably trying to figure out who asked, or how I could respond, or how you will respond, and who’s fucking business is it, anyway?  So I guess I don’t know how much you guys discuss your sentences – like the reasons why you were sentenced.  I don’t mean to ask you all to sit down in a circle and talk it all out.  Personally, this is what I think it is:

1. FUCKING RUDE TO ASK.  …Just like I think it’s rude when someone asks a soldier if he has killed anybody.  He’s a soldier.  It’s most likely that if he ever killed anybody, he HAD to.  Not only is it his job and his duty to look out for his buddies, but what if somebody had a gun pointed at your face?  Would you shoot them before they shot you?  It’s a rhetorical question.  I just mean, I am guessing for most of you [jailbirds], if you hadn’t been fucked up on drugs or alcohol or whatever, you might VERY LIKELY have NOT done whatever it was that sent you to prison.  Just like if he wasn’t in serious danger, a soldier likely wouldn’t kill somebody just because he is holding a gun.

2.  A qualifier.  And by that I mean, somebody is asking with what purpose?  …To satisfy their snoopy bone?  …Or so that they can decide whether or not your crime fits nicely into what they have decided is an ‘acceptable crime?’  …You know, like getting caught with an ounce of weed is different than mugging someone.  Everybody makes these judgments on their own, which is – whatever.  People are going to have their own opinions.  I just don’t understand how someone feels like it’s an acceptable question to ask.  

Last semester at school I felt psychotically angry with one person in my class because she was like, “I will NOT work with someone who has molested a child.”  REALLY??  You’re going to be a social worker and you are going to decide who you think deserves your help?  …And how do you know who has and who hasn't done such a thing?  Your own husband could be doing that very thing right this second, and you don't know, so STFU.  I’m sorry, I know that is all rude shit for me to say right now, but those were my feelings.  Get another fucking job if you can’t handle it.  One thing social workers are NOT supposed to do is pass judgment, and this girl was passing judgment on an entire segment of humanity.  I wanted to rip her face off.  Instead I dropped out of school.  I WIN!!

So this is what I was thinking about with Lance and H.A. and Scottie – have you guys prepared for what is going to happen if someone asks you?  I know that’s a shitty question, but it’s happening.  Lance is out there (I don’t mean ‘out there in left field,’ I mean you PUT it out there), but what about the rest of you guys?  I personally don’t want people to be judging ME for what I was doing 10 years ago!  I know people do, and for those who actually think I could possibly be the same person I was 10 years ago, screw them, they’re idiots.  But most people aren’t asking me about it.  There’s nothing to ask.  

...Unless you’re dating, then people ask some stupid none-of-your-business questions sometimes too.  That was always super fun.  I won't be dating again in my entire life, and that means I am lucky I don’t have to deal with questions much weirder than “Do you dry your work clothes on medium heat or low heat?”  

Anyway, this all has me in a quandary.

Have you worked on ways of answering?  …Even ways of telling somebody it’s not any of their damn business while being able to keep your blood-pressure down at the same time?  And whose business is it?  In any other forum, I could easily tell a stranger to piss off.  But because so much else is public regarding your sentences, and because J.J. has fans, IS it their business?  Do they deserve something better than a piss off?  I don’t know – you can write a book and publish it, and the only people who will ask direct questions are reporters.  But a blog is different.  It’s an on-going back and forth between readers and writers.  Some bloggers bare it all.  Some don’t.  Some are anonymous.  J.J. is NOT anonymous.  It’s just not.  

It could have been anybody who asked.  ...Someone we know or don’t know, someone we love or don’t love, someone with good intentions or cruel ones.  It could be someone who didn't really think it through or someone making a calculated move.  I don’t know.  Everybody has their own definitions of what is a heinous crime and what is a victim-less crime.  We all think differently.  I know my way of thinking on this very matter has changed just in the last couple years.  And it all comes down to judgment.  I shouldn’t say that.  I don’t know what it ALL comes down to.  I just know I am thinking a lot and wondering what you guys think about this too.  I’m sorry because I know you guys have to think about this shit more than I do :(  But here I am, unloading on you."

(This photo in no way corresponds with this post, 

the mood I was in when I wrote the letter to Mike, 

or even the hairstyle I currently wear.  

I was just doing J.J. "stuff" when I took it.  

And I couldn't find a good picture to sign this all "big ol' cranker")

So Mike writes back:

"Since Lance, Scottie, and H.A. posted on J.J., they have all been active with the project.  We have a little sit-down time where we talk shit to each other.  …Like we need a reason to do that J

We call our meeting to order, and I like to call them business meetings, although ‘business’ is seldom the topic.

From time to time, Ester asks us questions.  The guys have grown to love Ester, and we all discuss her thoughts and questions on J.J., life out there, and life behind these bars.  In Ester’s last update, she asked if we discuss our charges, or what we’re in for.  Bless her heart, Ester really wants to get the low-down on life back here.  Sometimes I answer these questions of Ester’s, and they become posts for you.

Scottie took off and summed Ester’s question up best.  So, here he is once again.

Scottie returns."

"What'cha In For?" 

By Scottie

"OK, let’s make this as simple as possible.  Well, in prison terms, nothing is ever simple.  So many times, people go through phases where curiosity gets the better of them.  Allow me to expand on this….  Let’s say you’ve known me for a few months and we have a generic sort of friendship.  In prison, this consists of card partners, work-out groups, yard get-togethers and cooking and buying food together.  We consider each other bros and we got each other’s back in a jam.  For instance, this describes H.A., Lance, Mike and me.  Ours is a little closer than “generic friendship” but you get the idea.

One day, it’s bound to happen.  The questions come up.  I mean: 1. What’cha in for?  2. How long you got? and 3. Do you have paper when you get out (“paper” is prison slang for probation).  These three questions – especially #1 – are not questions people in here discuss.  Closest friends in here may never ever know even after years of time together.  Why, you may ask.

1, it’s personal.  2, it’s mine to tell if I wish. And 3, does it benefit or hurt knowing?  Me?  I’m here because of an all-consuming habit that had ruined a lot of good things.  Ice (Crystal Meth) is the stupidest choice I ever made.  But I made it.  Violated my simple probation sentence and here I sit.  Any intoxicated, drugged up, pill poppin’ addict can tell you the life is great, wonderful, fun, peachy, blah blah blah….  But when he’s sober at the end of his delusions, ask him then, ask him what matters most (in prison, away from all who love him, care about him, NEED him), ask him then.  Hell no!  I’d rather be home with my son, wife, and family. 

…But I stray from the point.

So you’ve been ‘generic’ friends for a few months and the question comes up – “Whatcha in for?”  Now, depending on the answer you receive: drugs, murder, rape, battery on a LEO (Law Enforcement Officer), embezzlement, child porn – whatever the answer, there are those out there and in here that would be so shallow and superficial that the answer, not them, dictates if they’re a friend or not.  What a crock of shit! 

What happened to the person I was before the question?  If my answer will ultimately define me as a person, why get to know me in the first place?  Since I’ve been in prison, the people I call friends are the ones who understand that people make mistakes.  Yes, I’m in prison.  Yes, I am paying my price.  But it doesn’t define who I am as a person if you look past labels, stereotypes, and bullshit of the “I’m better and above you” crowd.  I’m me, and if you get to know me, please base our friendship, your opinion, or whatever on who I am, and not the mistake I made to be labeled FELON.  Some people hear this word and think, ‘Oh MY!  He must be awful – I’m so glad he’s locked away.  Society is better off without him – Let him rot.’

To you who think this way, I feel sorry for you and pray that you yourself or someone you love never makes a mistake and gets sent to prison.  Here you will learn there are many people who made a mistake and it cost them.  …It cost some of us everything.  I sleep, eat, and live with murderers, rapists, wife beaters, drug-dealers, stick-up artists, etc.  But you know what?  We’re all serving our time.  Nobody is better or worse than the next.  Some of us have release dates, some of us don’t.  The real question we should all be asking isn’t “what’cha in for?” but “Now that you’ve been to prison, will you make better choices and stay out?”  That, to me, is a more realistic inquiry.

I, for one, am going home in 4 months as I write this, and the experience truly awoke my decision-making skills.  As I said before, I will be leaving great friends behind.  Regardless of their crimes or the length of the time they have, I know them, and I know this is just a detour they have taken and life outside of here will be sweeter, more cherished and more sacred to them when they leave this place.

We all make mistakes, but only some learn from them. 

Lance, H.A., and Mike – I don’t care what they did or didn’t do – whatever put them here.  I do, however, care that they don’t ever come back.  They’re my friends, my family away from home, if you will.  I based that on who they are now and that’s what defines them. 

So if you ever get the chance to ask a felon a question, please think before you ask “What’cha in for?”  If the answer they give may change the relationship you’ve already established, don’t ask.  If you do, it won’t prove you’re a better person, it will only prove you weren’t ‘friend’ material in the first place. 

All my thanks to the friends of J.J. – keep reading, keep commenting, and by all means, keep supporting your local felon!”

-Scottie

All in a Day

“I have tried to write pieces that allow you to see into a day behind these walls.  There are so many reality shows and documentaries that many times paint the wrong picture.  Prisoners vary in many different ways.  Rules and regulations vary from state to state, but also prison to prison.  During my time with the Department of Corrections, I have been through four different prisons.  The rules have been different at each one.

First, let me clear up a few common misconceptions.  There has been no air conditioning in any prison that I have been in.  Next, there is no cable TV.  Last, but not least, the food is terrible.  If you want A.C., you can go to solitary confinement – trust me, it’s not worth it.  When you want to eat something that tastes good, you buy it from the canteen.  As far as TV goes, the officer on duty has control of the remote.  You watch what he puts on, and many times it’s the home-shopping network because they think it’s funny to fuck with us."

"When I first came to prison, we literally had a weight pile.  There were benches, dumb-bells, presses… all sorts of exercise equipment.  The problem is that all of us were getting big, and the guards stay the same size.  So instead of them lifting and working out, the easier solution was to remove all of the weights.  They did that instead.

We do our best to work around this and use our own body weight as resistance.  If you’re doing push-ups, you have a buddy lay across your back.  Then you can take advantage of both his and your body weight.  For legs we have a guy sit on your shoulders, and then squat them.  This is our solution.

Basketball courts are common on most compounds.  I’m 5’10” and leave that sport to the 7-foot-tall dudes.  I have a few friends who play, and I watch games from time to time."

(Borrowed from C.H.A.R.M. Prison Ministries website)

"My favorite sport was softball, which was recently banned.  That was a real trip.  …Takes some getting used to here.  You see, the bat is chained to the home plate.  Don’t need anyone running around with an aluminum ball-bat.

The prison I am at currently has volleyball.  I enjoy the game and play from time to time.

My favorite form of exercise is working out.  I run between two to four miles each day.  Since I stopped smoking I enjoy running.  My different buddies live in other dorms across the compound.  The rec. yard is where we all get together.  Our crew meets up and we work out 5 days a week.

The rec. yard can also be a dangerous place.  Your TV shows do accurately depict this.  We are split up in different dorms.  If guys have a ‘beef’ and need to ‘straighten’ something out, many times it goes down on the rec. yard.  Well, anywhere guys can get at each other.  This could also be the chow hall, or, unfortunately, the chapel.

For this reason, guys in prison ‘clique’ up.  Gangs are big.  Nearly every gang is represented on prison compounds.  The Latinos all ride together, or the black guys or white guys.  Some guys don’t get into the gang crap.  I’m not down with all that.  I have a crew of guys.  They are merely my homeboys.  Guys who work out together… A mixed racial group.  We work out together and are here just trying to better ourselves, mentally and physically.  These dudes are also the biggest dudes on the ‘pound usually.  I like to surround myself with guys who want to further themselves.  I’m just trying to do my time so I can get home to my family and loved ones.

There are rules in prison that are made by the state and warden.  This is what we have for ‘compound rules.’  Then there are the rules that we make for each other.

They make us shave our heads, dress in full uniforms, and walk in straight lines.  The prison has a book of their rules and regulations.  Most of their rules are petty, and are more to inconvenience us than anything.  You break their rules and they may give you paperwork, consisting of loss of your ‘good’ time, or gain-time.  Worst case, they lock you in confinement, or the box, as we call it.  Then you have the unwritten rules.  The rules we make for each other.

These rules are much more serious.  These are not written in any book, but can get you beat, raped, or killed.  You learn these as you go.  If you’re lucky, someone will explain them to you.  That’s why you don’t come in to prison acting like you own the place.  If nobody likes you, then they don’t explain the rules to you.  We call this ‘setting someone up for failure.’  Then you find out the hard way.

Before coming to prison, I was living the street life.  It’s a dangerous way to live.  Everybody totin’ fire and ready to throw down at the drop.  Am I speaking German?  Everybody has a gun and is ready to fire off.  That’s a lot like prison.

So when I came to prison, I had some street smarts.  I also kept my eyes peeled and watched my surroundings.  The rules are basically about respect for your neighbors.

Prison is confined space.  A lot of people in a small area.  You have to respect these other guys.

You don’t sit on another man’s bunk unless you are invited.  That bunk is your house.  You go to the bathroom if you have to fart.  You don’t stink up the area for everyone.  (Note: I will say that varies, and at times provides hours of entertainment.  We call it shitting on each other.  Dropping bombs and then quietly vacating the premises.  Also common is the ‘drive-by,’ which is pretty self-explanatory.  However!  Don’t do this is you are the new kid on the block.  You’ll probably have your ass handed to you.)"

 "Uhh… where were we?

You don’t cut in front of someone I line.  Wait your turn.  If you cough, sneeze, or burp - cover your mouth.  You don’t walk between two guys who are talking.  You don’t stare.  If you see something that causes a reaction like ‘What the FUCK?!?’ CALMLY go about your business as if you saw nothing.  Revert to the previous rule: Don’t stare!!  Stay out of alleys and dark corners.  And don’t get into debt.  That’s a set-up.  Somebody may collect on that ass (literally).

Doing time is really what you make of it.  That’s the bottom line.

Before I came to prison, I was pretty laid-back.  OK, no, I was not laid back, but I wasn’t a confrontational person by any means.  I’ve never been a bully EVER.  I was pushed around as a kid and I don’t like mean people.  Mean people suck!

Prison will change things about you though.  I used to run away from that bully.  Today I’ll straighten your ass.  We talk a lot of shit to each other.  At times it comes across as very aggressive.  You learn things back here.  A man that’s talking a bunch of shit probably isn’t going to do anything – notice I said “probably.”  Don’t quote me on that.

You watch out for the guy who doesn’t say a damn thing, then crushes your ass.  Something about empty cans rattle the most….

I talk a little shit, get warmed up, then start swingin.’  That goes a little like ‘ain’t the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.’ 

Your best bet?  …Obey the law and don’t get jammed up in this situation.  One day this life will be a fading memory for me.  Until then, I take one day at a time.

Guess that’s what we’re all doing. 

You take care now.”

-The Jailbird

  

Heart 2 Heart with J.J.

A new day dawns.  Yesterday is gone.  It’s a fresh start and today will be what I make of it.

What have you done with your day?  Can you look back on it and smile?  Did you spread some love, lend a hand to someone in need, or give some words of advice?

Have you gone out of your way to bless someone who is less fortunate than yourself?  Do you consider yourself a giver?  When was the last time you gave?  How did that make you feel?

…Something to think about.  That’s what I do these days – try and make people think.

Before prison, I was stuck in a rut like most people are.  My life was different than most.  However, that was my rut.  Wake up, get high, stay high, make some money, try and stay alive so I can do it all again the next day.  What a sad life to live….

That’s why this is your wake-up call.  Get out of that rut.  Give something away and see how that makes you feel.  Show some love.  Contact an old friend, tell them they were on your mind.  You never know, maybe they need that.

Swallow your pride and make amends with someone who wronged you.  Wow, now that’s a little harder, huh?

How far are you ready to move away from your rut?

I don’t doubt that I offend people from time to time.  That’s not my intention, I just want to make you think.  They way I see it, I have a lot to give back.  On the street, I lived life for me.  You and your feelings were your problem, not mine.  I was a very selfish person.

Coming to prison has forever changed the way I view life.  One of the biggest changes was the things that matter to me.  I was a worldly person who wanted possessions.  Big trucks, fast cars, flashy motorcycles - I really felt like that’s what mattered.

When I came to prison, I lost all my worldly possessions.  In a sense, my life started back at zero again.  Today what I have is rock solid relationships with my friends and family.  My pride and joy is no longer a motorcycle – how sill is that anyway?  No, today my joy, my smile, the love in my heart is from my people.  …The people who call me son, brother, uncle, cousin, or just friend. 

My sister and I started this project only a short time ago.  Today I am blessed.  I feel that even from here, I am able to reach out.

For years I was drowning.  When I first came to prison, I had to get my mind right.  Like a person who is under water, trying to break the surface to get fresh air.  Today I feel my mission is to reach out.

My life is out there for you to see.  I had to start at the beginning to get to today.  J.J. is my plan to reach out.  You are special to me.  I may never know you name.  We may never meet in person, yet here we sit, having a heart-to-heart conversation.  I have given you a chance to meet the man who sits on this side of the fence.  Have you shared a laugh with us?  Perhaps you’ve shed a tear.  Am I making you feel?  Do you stop and think about what really matters in life?

My sister and I are both silly.  We have had so much fun putting this thing together for you.  I work hard on my art, and it’s been cool to see how many of you enjoy it. 

My stories, well, I don’t work so hard on them.  That part comes easy, talking shit comes natural to me :)

I hope you will continue to be part of this project.  I try to keep you all on the edge.  At first I counted our hits.  Now I’m blessed to see how many of you are friending us (or liking us on Facebook).  You keep coming back.  That’s awesome!  I’ll keep writing and drawing.

I enjoy your comments.  If you have a question, I will answer it.  Do you have an idea for a picture?  Let me know, maybe I’ll use your idea.  Talk to me, I’m all ears.  Once again… thank you, my friend.  Until next time,

Your friend,

The Jailbird.   

I Huff & I Puff

"I was checking in with my sis the other day.  We were talking about the latest stuff posted on Jailbird.  I’m looking for your feedback.  What do you like – my art?  …The stories?

Right now it looks like my art gets the most attention.  That’s awesome!  I’ll keep the art coming.

They say “no news is good news.”  I suppose you all could be chanting, “You suck!”  Yeah, I guess it could be worse :)

But really – throw me a comment.  Do you get mad about what I write?  If you are a woman, I understand you might get angry by the things I talk about.  Maybe I could say just one thing in my defense.  There was a time when I picked my words carefully.  Everything I said was slick, a pick-up line, and basically an attempt to get into your pants.  Dare I say I have grown up a little?  Perhaps not.  However, I’m keeping it real.

I have a completely different approach to love, life, and the opposite sex today than I had not long ago.  Today I have a lot of respect for women.  You are not objects.  It’s been said that behind every good man stands a good woman (Ester adds: “Good” men let you stand beside them, not behind them, but carry on…).”  A good woman can keep a man grounded.

At this time in my life, I would feel honored to have a good woman who had my back.  Unfortunately, after a good woman reads the shit I have to say, she will probably make record speed in the opposite direction.

I don’t figure I piss any guys off.  Guys pat each other on the back when you reach male whore status.   Unfortunately, women don’t get the same treatment.  Personally, I don’t think that is right. 

Honestly, I am trying to tell myself to be careful about what I say.  I’m one of those guys who takes one step forward and five steps back, as if life is a country line dance.  Do we ever get graded on brownie points?  Do brown-nosers ever get ahead?  You know what?  Fuck it!  I’m just going to say what I have to say.

Looking back over my life, I have a few regrets.  Drugs would be number one.  My sex life would be number two.  Of all the things I’ve done, I’ve never joined the mile-high club.  Sex on the ground has been good to me.  …And in stairwells, elevators, parking garages, rooftops, beaches… ok, so the only thing I didn’t join was the mile-high club.  Poor me.  I did meet a lady on a plane then slept with her a month later.  Does that count?

My regrets would be all the sex I had during a relationship.  Let me rephrase that.  All the sex I had with other people during that relationship.  A relationship with a lot of sex is great.  If you’re having relations with everyone but your partner, that’s fucked up.  No one deserves that.  Be single if that’s how you want to live.   

That’s where I’ve messed up so many times.

To the guys who read my shit: No, the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence!  Take this wisdom from a man who has jumped more fences than a billy-goat.  One day someone comes along and cuts the billy-goat’s nuts off.  Ouch!  Then your fence-jumping days are over.  Wow, that sounds like a wedding joke!  …Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

I don’t agree with being ‘content.’  Well, perhaps I could be ‘content’ to stay inside on a rainy day.  Or ‘content’ to have a Bud light instead of a Michelob light.  I never want to just be ‘content’ with a partner.  So fellas, when you find that rare patch of green grass, put a fence around it, water it, weed it, keep it green and know you have the best.  Never jump the fence!

You’re thinking, ‘What the fuck did he just say?’  Hey, you’re the dumbass reading this shit!  A marriage counselor gets what - $100 an hour?  This advice is free!  I know, now you’re thinking, ‘I’m not about to take marriage counseling from this ass.’"

 (Neither Norman Rockwell or any of his associates or offspring officially approve of this message).