Friends With Benefits

Ahhh… Friends with benefits.  Can it work?

Last week an old friend of mine wrote me.  In her letter, she asked me a question, and I quote:

“Mike, I’ve been on J.J. and read all your stories about strippers and fat chicks… we were never in a ‘relationship,’ but we’ve had some good times.  Could you tell me where I fit in?”

Thank you for your question.  After some thought, I’ve come to a conclusion.  Obviously where you ‘fit in’ was between my sheets.  Likewise, I seemed to ‘fit in’ somewhere also.  Jokes aside, our only ‘relationship’ was friendship.  There were also ‘benefits’ to that friendship.

Sometimes this works.  Other times it’s a disaster, and can ruin an otherwise good thing.  Bottom line: it depends completely on both people and their feelings.

Over my history, women have come and gone.  Even after they are ‘officially’ gone, they sometimes ‘unofficially’ come back.  One woman said to me as we broke up, “This is ok, as long as I can still come back when I need to.”  Perfect!

The problem is that sex activates emotions.  Before long you may be falling in love with your friend, and they might not share those feelings.  This may piss some people off, but I have a system.  It’s not fool-proof, but it’s worked fairly well for me.

First-time sex is awkward.  Drunk, drugged, or stone-sober, it’s usually not mind-blowing.  However, you are still in the ‘safe’ zone.  My system is simple:

One time, you’re ok.

Two times is golden.

Three times?  Problems begin.

Meaning: One romp in the hay – nobody’s falling in love over that – you got some good stuff.

Second time – you remember each other’s names.  It’s more comfortable, it’s probably going to be better than the first.  I’m a big fan of ‘second-time-sex.’  I’m also a big fan of bailing after the second time.

Shit hits the fan on time three.  Time one and two, you part ways.  By the third time, stuff gets left behind.

Allow me to explain.

First and second time you are still uncertain if there will be a follow-up.  The next morning you grab your shit and go.  This is what happens the third time: A bra is left behind.  You find an earring on your bathroom sink.  …Panties on your bedroom floor. 

This is no accident.  These are reasons to call you back and come back around.  See what you’ve started?

This happens to me for yet another reason.  Marking territory.  If a woman suspects you have other women, they leave messages for each other.  Have you seen Batman?  Gotham City shines the Bat-signal to call Batman.  Women leave shit – stuff for the other women to find.  This says, “Yeah, hi – I was here too.”

 

So yes, I have had sex with a few of my friends – I just tend to close the door after the second time.  However, there are a couple exceptions.

For example, that person you dated and split up with.  You’ve both moved on with your lives.  There are new partners now.  Except from time to time you both slip away for some comfortable, mind-blowing sex with each other.  You only allow yourself to get caught up in the moment with each other.  There are no promises or deep conversation, just passionate sex.

There are ways to keep things simple.  That’s really the key to this.  When sleeping with a friend, I leave right after sex.  Don’t stay the night and wake up there the next morning.  Try not to cuddle – that too leads to problems.  Keep it about the sex.

You may be reading this, shaking your head, thinking, ‘This guy’s retarded.’  In some ways you would be right.  However, this guy has been with a couple different women (to be modest), and I have never been stalked, had my car keyed or my windows broken.   

To this day, I remain on good terms with nearly every woman I have ever been with, whether in a relationship or just casual sex.

I won’t lie.  I’ve been on both ends of the stick.  Feelings get involved.  It’s important to always treat someone else the same way you would want to be treated.

God, this sounds like Jerry Springer’s ‘final thoughts.’

Just take care of each other.  Look out for other’s feelings.

To the women I have shared ‘special’ moments with, thank you!

It’s been two years, six months, and five days since I last got laid – but who’s counting?

QUICK FACTS:

1.    Item strategically left behind.  Hair clips and scrunchies.

2.    My rules don’t apply to strippers.  They try to move in after time #1.  You’ll need to throw them out.

3.    Sex with women 30 and over can be good on the first time.  They know what they want and will tell you – on the first time.

4.    “Don’t worry about it – I’m on birth control…”  RUN!!!!!!!!!!