I’m low. Really low. Nothing is making me happy. Even the drugs I’m on don’t make me happy.
Across the street from me lives a young woman. Her man is in jail and she has no car. Being neighborly, I drive her to the store, to her appointments, and to her drug-dealer’s. She smokes crack. As soon as she gets a rock, she fires up. I’ve smoked crystal meth. Maybe I’ll try some crack.
I’m glad I wasn’t in my truck. As soon as I exhale my hit, I puke. But I am also very high. Together we smoke a rock. Then get some more. Now she wants to have sex. She’s nasty. I leave.
I don’t smoke crack for like two weeks. Amazing. All the drugs I’ve done in my life, and this is the first one that makes me feel dirty.
I’m still spending time with my buddy who sells G.H.B. We run into this girl I know. I’m not with anyone right now and we decide to go out. Instead of hiding my life from her, I tell her how I live.
Basically, I’m a dude with 99 problems, I’ve got more baggage than any chick I’ve ever met, I’m a living nightmare. But I have blonde hair, blue eyes and dimples. I win. Ever heard the devil wears Prada? Hmmph!
Now I have a new girl, Nichole.
Nichole is very cute. She really likes me and she knows I’m on drugs. She thinks she can change me. Right. The only changes are me changing her. First to go are all the piercings. Beautiful girl, but she looks like she fell into a tackle box.
We get along great. She rides the bike with me. I’m happy, right?
Not really. No - In fact – not at all. The girl is good. You were just fine sweetie. My life sucked. When you’re an addict on the level I was, nothing will make you happy. Every day is in the search of the next high. Good days come when you’re high. Bad days come when you run out. My body craved drugs. If you’ve never been at this place in your life, you’re lucky. I had certain drugs I preferred, but settled for others when those ran out.
I’m a walking time-bomb. My time is running out. I’ve got problems. I’ve got legal problems. They set a court date for me. I’ll be ok. …All the shit I’ve been through in my life? This is just another hurdle.
I remember a very special visit from a very special someone. My angel perhaps. A woman who always hovered nearby, staying in the shadows, observing. I met this woman when I was 18, and over the years she always checked in on me.
Two days before my court date she visited me. It felt like a goodbye. I assured her I would be ok. In and out. She said she didn’t think that was the truth. I didn’t listen.
Today I sit in prison. Things didn’t go like I had planned. They went better than I could have planned. I got what I needed. Court-ordered rehab. For the first time in ten years I am free from all drugs. I remember cursing God that day. Today I thank Him.
Sometimes we think we know what’s good for us. I made one mistake after the next. Just like many of my friends, I could have been one more life lost to drug abuse.
One more mother without a son.
I almost checked out, but it wasn’t my time.
Sitting her today, I have a vision. I don’t want to lose any more of my friends. If you’ve hit that pipe, snorted that line, swallowed that pill, or pushed that needle beneath your skin: I know you.
You have a friend. Sitting right here talking to you is a man who’s been in your shoes, felt your pain, and wants to be your friend. You can be free. It’s there for you if you’ll reach out and grasp it.
No one can make you change. You and only you can make that decision. I’m always here to listen. And if you try, you can get a hold of me.
For the rest of you, I write silly-ass stories. Laughter is a wonderful medicine. I’m making guys laugh back here too. We’re all just taking one day at a time, but hey! That’s really all you can do.
Stay tuned to see the end of the story. I invite you to step aboard, just keep hands and feet inside the ride at all times.
Much Love.
Humbly yours,
M.S.
3 comments:
I had coffee with Michael this morning; our regular Saturday and sometimes Sunday routine. We laugh, cry, and attempt to solve the "world's problems" one topic at a time. He recommends a book he just finished and I get it from the local library so we can discuss. He wants updates on the sibs, all SIX of them, and their children. Sometimes we pray together. He wants more than anything to really know his family. As a young boy he was the protector of them; always watching out for them. As an older teen there was an experience that shook him to the core. I remember trying to direct him to some counseling but he wouldn't follow up. That situation threw him into the darkness of drugs and hell on earth. You are reading about it all here. It took prison, and his facing his past demons, to find light and peace.
Reading this is difficult but he warns me in advance so I can handle it. I was duped for many years because he was so far away and did his best to hide his pain and drugs from me. I knew things were wrong but didn't know just how wrong. His younger Brother tried to tell me. That bro was sick with worry and would talk to me. The night Michael was in the ER I was on the phone with his younger brother constantly. That night is etched in all our lives. But still no change in our Michael.
As a mother my heart has grown very battle weary. Days and nights on my knees praying, carrying pain that should be left at the foot of Jesus' cross but just couldn't do it.
Now I know that Michael has faced his worst enemy and is free from drugs. He is finding himself again and growing close to his family. I know he prays for each of his siblings because we talk about that.
The day Michael was sent to prison for 12 years broke the heart of his little brother, who was with him for court. I had spoke with Michael on the phone that morning and we had prayed together. None of us had any idea of what could happen. I prayed that God, the Righteous Judge, would sit on the bench that day. I guess He did but we had no idea what that would mean. Michael's younger brother called me right after the hearing and he could hardly talk. Besides his pain and disbelief around the immediate 12 year sentence, he was worried sick about me. And I fell into a deep hole that I didn't know if I could get out of. I drove to school to pick up my very youngest son and tell him what had happened in court and we held each other in the parking lot and cried rivers.
The first few months he was locked up I saw so many changes in Michael. We could not talk by phone but were writing. He started out angry, but as the drugs got out of his system his mind began to clear. Now, after these years, I have my son back. Despite Michael being in prison, he is a free man for the first time in many years.
Sometimes we talk about sitting on my screened in porch, drinking coffee......God willing we will do that.
Well I hope I wasn't hovering :) However i always kept my eye out for you as you know. I always hoped to hear something good but I didnt. I knew that day would be the last time I would see you for years to come. It was nearly unbearable. The weeks that followed were miserable thinking of what you must of been going through. Now I know you are gonna be just fine. Amazing really.. Thank you for calling me your angel. I miss you and cant wait to see you fly free beautiful bird. All my love. ~A~
hey brother just stopping by to show some love, michael cooley II
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